A year ago this morning...

I was at the hospital undergoing a D&C for the pregnancy that wasn't to be. To say I was devastated...well, that would be an understatement.

But looking at where I am today.... This 'anniversary' didn't hurt as much as I thought it would and though Juliana can't take that pain or the memory away entirely, she certainly does soften its blow.

Happy anniversary to me, happy 10 weeks to the princess. She has made the struggle worth it...every single excrutiating step taken in our almost-five year quest to become parents.

Thank you little one, for more than you know.

T-minus 3 weeks and counting

How time flies when you're home with a baby. Three weeks from today I return to work. Has it really been that long? It seems like only yesterday that we brought her home.

Miss Juliana is growing so fast. At last check she was up to 8 lbs., 9 oz., and had vaulted into the 25th percentile (she was in the 10th previously). Destined, I guess, to be a petite flower, she's just now the size of some newborns! She goes for her next round of vaccinations in October (at her 4 month visit) so I unfortunately have no clue how much she's weighing nowadays. She's finally in N size diapers and out of preemies though but I think it may be a bit before she's into the size 1s.

She's become a very smiley baby and has gotten more vocal. She coos, and gurgles, and I coo and gurgle back to facilitate "conversation." We definitely have a routine--up to eat, play time for an hour or so (face-to-face tickles and love or time on the play mat or in the bouncy, etc.), down to nap...repeat again anywhere from 2 to 4 hours later. It's a lovely little routine that we both enjoy. And I swear she's bigger after every nap :-) or at least it feels like she's growing that fast!

But best of all is that for the past two nights she's slept between 5 and 6 hours. After talking with some friends of mine--one of whom has a pediatrician relative at her disposal--A and I made the decision to introduce cereal into Juliana's nighttime bottle. So for the past two evenings, her final feeding before bedtime has consisted of 4 oz. of formula (her usual) mixed with 2 TB of oatmeal cereal for babies. Voila! Apparently, the stick-to-your-ribs consistency of the oatmeal keeps her full longer, which means more sleepy time for her and for us. I almost felt human when I woke up this morning...and I'm hoping for more of the same tonight.

In the meantime, AF came and went and with it comes the thought that--holy moly--perhaps I could get pregnant again. Now, I'm not thinking this in a 'good' way (I can't even begin to contemplate having another baby anytime soon--my hands are way too full with one!). No, I'm thinking it in an 'oh jeez, does this mean that now I've got to worry about birth control?' kind of way. A weird concept when you previously tried to get pregnant for 4 years with medical assistance. I have to say it was nice not having a period for so long, not-so-nice now having to deal with tampons, pads, and condoms. Can't say I missed any of it. Plus, it's almost like they're all reminders of my former life...LBB (life before baby) which is such an abstract concept to me; so foreign yet so much a part of me. This 'new' life I lead is so weird yet welcome. It's also very welcome for Grrl so please go share your love with her as she embarks at the next station.

As for me, I'm interested to see the changes that will come when I go back to work. It'll be a lot to manage and I hope I can do it. We'll see. Should at least be good for a few laughs...or cries...or both.

Knock, knock...guess who?

Hey, guess who showed up in the Dee house today? Come on...can you guess? You can do better than that! It's an old friend....

Yep, AF is making her appearance! 8 weeks after Juliana's arrival and for the first time since October 2004--welcome back old friend...ha ha, how I've missed you. Yeah, right.

In other news, I met with a good friend yesterday for lunch (a fellow infertile) and she brought Juliana the cutest onesie--it says "I was worth the wait." I'm not sure where she got it but I know it was online. Adorable and I can't wait until little miss Juliana is big enough to wear it (it's 3-6 month size). She definitely was worth the wait...looking back on it all now.

But the return of AF? So not worth the wait.

Time and money

The days continue to fly by... look at how big this girl is getting! I've got about 5 weeks left of maternity leave left before I head back to work.

So with that in mind, last week I went and signed Juliana up for daycare. It's right next to my work so I can drop in for lunch every day if I like (and I do, very much). It's a Montessori which is also nice. I was a Montessori kid myself (for pre-K and K) so I'm comfortable with their methods, etc. Two of my colleagues also have their kids enrolled in the same facility and they've been very happy with the care their kids receive which is also good to know.

And while I'm not looking forward to going back to work, it's something that needs to be done. We live in a costly part of the country (according to recent reports, we're the 9th most expensive market in the nation) and while A brings home a good amount of bacon, he will be leaving his job at the beginning of next year to take over his family's business. This scares me to no end because when he worked there just out of college years ago, the income wasn't very stable. That was 10+ years ago though and supposedly the company is now so busy, they're turning down work, which hopefully will make for a steady income on par with--or more than--what he currently is making.

As it stands now, A's salary covers all of our living expenses. We've also never been ones to deprive ourselves of nice vacations, dining out regularly, etc. (what can I say? Years of childfree living made us self-indulgent) but without my income going forward, that won't be very possible. So my income is the one that will help see us into retirement, pay for Juliana's college (and whatever else she may have her heart set on--ballet, gymnastics, whatever), allow us to take annual family vacations and weekend mini-vacations, and more. The icing on the income cake if you will.

But yes, I'm conflicted about returning to work. Before I got pregnant I had said I wanted to stay home with our child until he/she started school. When I got pregnant with Juliana, I said I wanted to stay home until she was at least 1. Now that she's here, I wonder how I can leave her at all. But at this point in our lives, leave her I must...at least she'll be right next door though so I can see her every day for my lunch hour. It's not much but I'll take it. Who knows? Maybe that will change once A takes the reins of the family business and I can then stay home with her. For now though, all I can do is hope for the future.

Even on the other side of infertility, hope resides.