/ The RE's Muse: Time to let go?

The RE's Muse

After 4 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 1 miscarriage, and 19 months of high risk pregnancies, hubby and I now have two little women in our lives--one a toddler, the other not far behind. Buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Time to let go?

When it finally looked like this pg was going to stick around, I rented a fetal doppler from Stork Radio. That little machine got some serious mileage, typically being used every night before bedtime from 3 months along until about 7 months. Then its usage got a little more sporadic as the baby girl's movement became more consistent. And now...well, I think I last used it about two or three weeks ago. Since then, it's quietly sat on my nightstand, bottle of ultrasound gel nearby.

I'm thinking of returning it to Stork Radio, all I need to do is call them to get the authorization for it. Since it came with a postage pre-paid return envelope from DHL, I just have to call and find out the nearest drop box or schedule a pick up at my house. So what's stopping me--especially since we're paying $40-someodd dollars a month for it? I'm afraid...afraid that mere minutes after it leaves my house, I'll have an overwhelming need to hear the baby's heartbeat. That she'll have been quiet for a bit too long, necessitating a quick doppler check. I have become addicted to the security of knowing it's in my house, there if I should need it.

Twice weekly NSTs have taken the doppler's place. Every Monday and Thursday I get to hear the wee princess's heart just a' thwockin' thwocking away at a jaunty 155 to 160 bpm clip. If I'm lucky and she fails those NSTs (as she's wont to do), I then get an ultrasound--so it's not like I don't know that things are going well in my uterus. In addition to those NSTs, I'm also now seeing the OB every Friday, where I get a doppler fix as well (and a lovely peek-and-poke of the girl's exit tunnel).

So with less than two weeks left to go, do you think it's time for me to let go of the doppler and just trust that all will be alright? The doppler is on our coffee table, in its DHL envelope, but the envelope has yet to be sealed, nor has Stork Radio been called for return authorization. A tells me to hold onto it a bit longer if it makes me feel more secure. But I'm wondering if it's an unnecessary expense at this point. If I'm not using it, shouldn't we return it and save the $40+ dollars--especially since money will be extremely tight as soon as I start 12 weeks of unpaid maternity leave?

When is it safe for me to finally relax and trust that this baby girl will be okay/continue to thrive in my body until it's her time to come (BTW, tomorrow marks 37 weeks, i.e., full term, with induction anticipated for 38w5d or thereabouts)? Having gone through one miscarriage on the way here, I think I know the answer. I'll feel safe when she's finally in our arms. I guess that means I should keep the doppler until she arrives--just in case--and then have DHL pick it up. Realistically, for me, only then can I let go of the fear.


At 12:55 PM, Blogger Pazel said...

I didn't return my monitor until he got home from the NICU. I was planning on returning it after I felt him kicking, then after I got into the 3rd trimester, then after birth... Same thing, I felt that if I didn't have it then I would NEED it and drive myself crazy. However, after the baby is born you will be very busy and this will be your absolute last priority. You'll be thinking of nothing else besides how beautiful your baby is, how sore you are, and how much you want to sleep. So if I were you, I'd try to return it now.

At 6:13 PM, Anonymous Andrea said...

I didn't return mine until after the baby was born (at least, in both of my successful pregnancies, the m/c was a different story). I just didn't want to jinx anything and thought I might need emergency reassurance. But honestly, just hearing the heartbeat doesn't really say much about the baby's health at the end of pregnancy, and if money is tight I'd say go on and send it back. But I'll understand if you decide not to. Congrats on reaching the finish line.

At 1:34 AM, Blogger Jen P said...

Dee, I know it's a tough decision, especially when it comes to money. I can't give you any advice, because we didn't rent a doppler, (ooohhhh how we wanted to!!) but I know in my heart that the day we brought her home would be the day that package got sealed.

I don't know what it is about loss, but it just rips something away from your heart. Trust? Blind faith? I dunno.

Take care, trust your heart and oh my goodness, it's getting close, ins't it!?

At 8:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's funny -- reading your blog I get the impression that you and I are a lot alike.

I had rented a doppler around 11 weeks, and sent it back at 24 weeks, when I was feeling movement pretty consistently. Had occasional twinges of missing it and wishing I still had it, but nothing major.

Then, at 32 weeks, had a full-blown panic when we didn't feel the baby move for several hours during his usually most active times (bedtime and morning). Went in for an NST and the baby was VERY sluggish for almost an hour.

All turned out to be OK (as far as I know -- knock on wood -- I'm at 37 weeks, 2 days now!), but I rented a doppler again the first chance I got. And I'm planning on keeping it through the end.

Your mileage may vary. I think it's totally understandable to want to keep it, but if money is an issue, and since you're getting the other monitoring on a regular basis, you may be ready to let go of the doppler.

Good luck getting through these last couple of weeks! I know time is dragging by. :-)

At 7:51 AM, Blogger Toni said...

In the long term, $40 is worth your sanity. Keep it until the princess arrives.

At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Menita said...

I have to add my voice to the chorus yelling "keep it!"
Not to scare you or anything, but...the little weeks before the due-date are utterly and completely nerve-wracking. The main thing is that as they get bigger they don't move as much, so you can go for long stretches of time without feeling much of anything and...it's not nice. I debated whether or not to return mine but as soon as the lesser-movement thing started happening I was so glad I hadn't.
I did, however, pack it in its little box and put the return label on it the day I left for the hospital. But I didn't put it in the mail until we got back.

At 11:20 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

After a miscarriage, you never completely believe its going to be ok. Keep the doppler for the last little bit. It will be a sanity saver.

At 1:09 AM, Anonymous Jessi said...

Delurking to say - the last two weeks of my pregnancy were the hardest. She had very little space left to move and it almost killed me to have to wait for her to get the hiccups to make sure she was ok. Keep it. Technically they will probably charge you the full $40 for the month so you have nothing to loose and your sanity to save! (You'll need it when she gets here!)
Good luck with everything!

At 6:47 AM, Blogger Jen P said...

Just wanted to send you a little message to see how you are. And to remind you, as if you need it!, that you're getting so close! 10 days!

She's here in 10 days!!

Best wishes to you!


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