/ The RE's Muse: All's quiet on the home front

The RE's Muse

After 4 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 1 miscarriage, and 19 months of high risk pregnancies, hubby and I now have two little women in our lives--one a toddler, the other not far behind. Buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

All's quiet on the home front

Thanks for sharing your POVs on whether or not to tell so early on. It looks like we will not be sharing the news with family for a while. After speaking with DH about it, I realize that I'm just not comfortable telling them yet. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch. For now, I'll keep this wonderful secret between us and our 6 closest friends (those who knew about our treatment, etc.) -- and all of y'all great gals -- for the time being.

There's just so much that I'm worrying about right now, it can't be healthy to worry so much. It leaves my mind for a bit and then comes roaring back louder than ever. How to turn it off? I don't know. I keep telling myself that it'll be okay, it's good, my betas were doubling just like they should, even slightly ahead of schedule (every 1.28 to 1.4 days). But now--well, now there have been no more betas since the third one and I miss their reassuring progression. Now I wait until that first u/s on Monday and wonder what the doctor will tell me. Did it implant in my uterus? Is it ectopic? Will it make it? Will I make it? I just don't know...and that scares the hell out of me right now. My slight spotting stopped on Monday. My nausea and sore boobs fluctuate though and right now, both are not as 'pronounced' as they've been in past days--is that normal? Does it mean it's failing? What does it all mean? Maybe nothing but I just don't know. I need to make this all rational and I can't, it's impossible.

I tell myself that if I just make it through today, I'm one day closer to a preliminary answer. Four days more until Monday and maybe I'll get some slight peace of mind until the next u/s, if we get that far. I am going to drive myself completely crazy in the interim. I don't mean to complain about this when there are so many other IFs who deserve to achieve their dreams -- but, for me, once an IF, always an IF. Bad news follows us around like the cloud did Schleprock (children of the '70s, remember him?). Do I dare to hope, to dream, to plan?

3 Comments:

At 9:34 AM, Blogger amanda said...

I'm glad you made a decision on the tell/don't tell dillema. You have to do whatever you're comfortable with.

I'm a worrier by nature, so I understand a bit. I haven't had to worry about this particular situation, but I know if I'm ever in your shoes I'll be worrying tons, too. This is my opinion on that. You're going to worry. If you didn't, they're would be something wrong with you, so don't worry about worrying. You know what I mean?

I sure hope the weekend flies by for you and that you can get some reassuring news on Monday.

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger Pazel said...

CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so excited to find another Barren Bitch to share pregancy with. When is your EDD? Mine is 4/12. I'm jealous because your u/s is on Monday and mine isn't until Wednesday. I have to know that everything is okay. I know you know about that.

As for telling, we will tell after our first u/s. Reason one is that we're terrible at keeping secrets. We just can't. Reason two is that we will feel somewhat safer then. Of course if things don't work out after then, it will be obvious that something is wrong, so they will know then anyways. Might as well let them share the joy and the misery. Of course I will not tell work outside of my boss until later, if I can help it.

In the meantime, buy yourself a pregnancy magazine if you don't feel that you are at the book level of confidence yet. I did today, and it felt as if I was coming out of the closet, if only to Safeway.

 
At 11:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Dee,

Found your blog through Pazel's. First, congratulations!
It's great to read that a fellow Barren Bitch is pregnant and that things are progressing so well.

And you're right, once an IF, always an IF. It's as if panic becomes a knee-jerk reaction for us, isn't it?

Best of luck, and I'll be checking up on you.

Menita
(lifesjestbook.typepad.com)

 

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