/ The RE's Muse: What I want

The RE's Muse

After 4 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 1 miscarriage, and 19 months of high risk pregnancies, hubby and I now have two little women in our lives--one a toddler, the other not far behind. Buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Monday, August 21, 2006

What I want

It seems like it was mere days ago when we brought Juliana home from the hospital. Those early days of confusion--of 'is it night or day?,' when did I last shower, have I brushed my teeth today? They all run together and form a blur of memory. It went by so quickly in hindsight but yet so slowly as we lived it.

Watching her learn to hold her head up during tummy time, her first smile (oh how my heart sang! how all of the late nights and lack of sleep faded in the glory that was that first intentional grin), the very first giggle. Sitting up on her own, holding her own bottle, crawling, walking.

So much has gone by, so many firsts, but yet there is still so much ahead. Some days I wonder where the time has gone, how 14 months have all but flown by. I also look to the future, wondering what it holds for Juliana, for me, for A, for all of us. How will the dynamics of our family change given the dos's impending winter arrival?

I'm excited at the prospect of parenting another child. More cherished memories; I'll get to be witness to another round of firsts, and another piece of my heart will forever be worn outside of my body.

I always wondered if I'd be a good mom. Having a crap mom does that to you, makes you question your own abilities. When I stop and think about what it is that I want most of all in this whole mothering gig, I have to say that I want my daughter (and the dos, be it male or female) to be proud of me, to know that I did my best, to know more than anything that I love them unconditionally and always will...

and that's a fact.

3 Comments:

At 10:19 AM, Blogger ThreeBees said...

I don't think there is anyway that your kids couldn't know that about you. . . you are great mom and I think that will always shine through to them!

 
At 5:03 PM, Blogger Miss W said...

You just *had* to make me cry.

If complete strangers can "see" that in you, then I have no doubt that your children will as well.

 
At 9:22 PM, Blogger DisneyBaby said...

Oh you brought back memories of the first few weeks with a newborn. I actually kept a daily diary of my every move because I kept forgetting everything I had just done. When did I last eat? Or when was the last time I brushed my teeth or took a shower? I kept a notepad and each page had the day and date so I wouldn't forget. And if I did, I could go back to that page and go, "Oh yeah! Tuesday."

Those were dark and scary times. Having PPD certainly didn't help. Here's hoping this next one doesn't go as badly!

 

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