Still standing

Well, heck ladies, if you were surprised by my last post, imagine how surprised I was when I saw two lines on the pee stick. I honestly didn't expect that. I just figured I was having a wacky period. My non-reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. Pepper--even though I've seen him every three months for the past year--always asks the same question each time I see him: "And you get a period on your own each month?" And each time my answer is the same exasperated yes. (Dude, read my chart.) Apparently, given my hormonal issues in the past, the fact that I menstruate on my own is surprising to him. So when I started what I thought was my period Friday and then it stopped on Saturday, I thought that perhaps it was the start of me not getting a period on my own as Dr. Pepper assumes should be the case for me. So, hey, let's pee on that stick, I thought. It's the only one I had so I figured I'd use it to get rid of it.

I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing as the two lines appeared within seconds of the pee creeping across the window. I had to leave the bathroom, go fold clothes, try to wait the requisite 3 minutes. But it was still there when I went back in. And I still am in shock. Utter and complete shock, and terror of course. Your kind words are greatly appreciated, and a few even gave me a chuckle (Cricket and Brenda, thanks for that).

My second beta and progesterone will be done this Thursday morning. Yesterday's progesterone was a not-so-whopping 10.2 but the nurse said my doctor likes to see anything over 10 on an unmedicated cycle (which is what they told me the first time w/J so I know the nurse wasn't just blowing smoke up my ass) so no supplements for now. With J, my initial prog was 10.4 and I then got to enjoy p4 suppositories until 12 weeks. I'll know if I go this route again given the results of Thursday's bloodwork.

And in what seems like a cruel joke, my first ultrasound has been scheduled for June 30th--yes, more than 2 weeks away (when, if all continues, I will be 6w6d). Apparently, it's the only day my RE will be at my satellite location for the rest of this month and he wants to be the one to do the scan the first time. Yes, he did this last time too but I didn't have to wait so long (5w6d was J's first u/s, followed by a second to see if we had a hb at 7w exactly).

Until then, I'm just trying to stay positive, to keep thinking NBHHY. I can't stop the fear, the worry, but I am trying to keep it at bay. Trying to pretend I'm normal, that this is a normal process, that I can get through this day by day. I still don't really believe it--I feel fine, sure I'm a little tired now and then but my boobs don't hurt, no nausea, and so on. When all is said and done, I guess my heart is just afraid to open up to hope. Because then--well, then there will be something very real at stake...something that will take a piece of me with it should it all go bottoms up.