/ The RE's Muse: Back to basics, kinda

The RE's Muse

After 4 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 1 miscarriage, and 19 months of high risk pregnancies, hubby and I now have two little women in our lives--one a toddler, the other not far behind. Buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Back to basics, kinda

You may have noticed (or not if you're new to these parts) that there isn't a whole of talk about my infertility here nowadays. After all, I got lucky, I got a 'golden ticket,' a miracle, a BAY-BEE! And believe you me, I don't ever forget that for a second.

Back in my teens and twenties, I swore up and down I never wanted to have children. I mean, I proclaimed it 10 ways from Sunday--never, not me, no sir-ree, etc. Mind you, I got married at 27 and was still swearing up and down I never wanted kids. But then something changed. I don't know what or how or when. In my mind, I could see A as a father and knew he'd be wonderful at it. I didn't have as much confidence in my own capacity to be a mother but knew I'd do the best I could.

By the time I was 30, I was ready to give it a go. Who'd have known that it wouldn't just happen? And then, when it didn't, and when three different RE's didn't know what was "wrong" with us, why we weren't getting pregnant, I became all the more determined. After all, aren't most of us raised with the notion that if we work hard enough at something, we'll eventually get it? So A and I pressed on...and on. You all know the drill: the tests, procedures, surgery, drugs, ad infinitum. Throughout it all, I remembered those years of proclaiming up and down that I didn't want children, and figured I was getting my (former) wish and being punished. Yes, irrational, but when you're in the grips of a fight for one of life's most fundamental aspects, rationality takes a back seat.

And then, a diagnosis by our fourth RE. Shortly thereafter, pregnancy, miscarriage, and pregnancy again, followed at long last by a baby. I remember always saying that if I did get pregnant, I wanted a boy. Again, I swore it up and down. But then, a bad quad screen and an amnio put it all into stark perspective for me. Turns out that I didn't care if it was a boy or a girl, so long as the baby was healthy and alive. Cliched, yes, but it took the terror of waiting 10 days for the amnio results to bring it all home for me in black and white. I will carry that knowledge with me always.

Why we got lucky when others who are so incredibly deserving are still fighting to get their miracles, I don't know.

All I know right now is that trying for a second child feels right to me, to us. J brings us/me more joy, love, and happiness than I ever knew I had the capacity for. Sure, there are some shit days where I just want to tear my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs, or perhaps go for a long drive and not return, but those are few and far between so I'll take the good with the bad.

The point of all this is to say that, at 37, I find myself at the edge of the cliff, looking down. I'm about to jump into the abyss, the trenches of IF, once again. We'll see what happens. Fools that we are, we'll try on our own for a few months, see where that takes us. And if it takes us nowhere, we're back to Dr. Blood to reevaulate. Ultimately, if a second biological child isn't in the cards for us, then so be it.

I'll go retreat under my rock now so as not to be pelted with the jeers of those still waiting, still trying, still hoping for baby #1. But before you cast that stone, please know that I'm just as scared, just as hopeful/hopeless, just as wishful as you are. And I'm hoping like hell that we all get what we wish for, be it a first child, a second, or more. Infertility isn't cured, and it isn't any less terrifying, the second time around.


At 3:43 PM, Blogger Cat, Galloping said...

I don't think that anyone, with or without the golden ticket, would begrudge your wish for another child. It's great that you are grateful and appreciative of what you already have... doesn't make you greedy to want more. Good luck! Here's hoping the old-fashioned way works.

At 3:44 PM, Blogger Heather said...

Best of luck to you, Dee! I'll be here on the sidelines rooting for you. And stay out from under that rock, do you hear me? We wouldn't be here reading if we weren't interested.

At 4:04 PM, Anonymous amanda said...

I hope you get what you wish for, too. Good luck, Dee.

At 9:15 PM, Blogger Pam! said...

Please don't crawl under a rock and hide. After 7 years of infertility I too was finally blessed with a son born last July... and at age 36 will be trying again. We too will try on our own for a few months before going back for another IVF. I'm sure this will bring back all of the fears, frustrations, worries, and pain. There are all sorts of infertiles and we all need support and understanding. Luck to you and yours!

At 11:19 PM, Anonymous Frances said...

Take my hand my friend, and we'll go over that cliff together. Again.

At 12:56 AM, Blogger Becky said...

Your true friends and allies, will do nothing but hope and pray with you on this new journey. You get any rock throwers out there, I'll get my cousin Guido to hunt them down and break their thumbs. Trust me, I know people.

At 2:16 PM, Anonymous Menita said...

Darling, it would only be greed if your trying for a second deprived someone else of their chance. And it sure doesn't work that way.
Good luck!

At 9:01 PM, Blogger kojak said...

I've always wanted to be a father and will be one when I get married.

At 11:59 PM, Blogger Toffee said...

Keep writing and broadcasting from atop the rock...it gives so many people hope. And if you strike gold again, it will give those who wonder if they only get one shot, a glimmer of light in the darkness

At 4:36 PM, Blogger ThreeBees said...

I hope that you get all you wish for. Much luck to you and A the second time around. :)

At 6:56 AM, Anonymous Jennie said...

As I sit here still on the ttc#1 bench, I find myself torn between taking my eyes off that beautiful photo and reading the newest post.

If you take that leap and try again know that only a very shallow person could/would begrudge you having another. there is no limit on the amount of babes born so you arn't doing anyone out of a baby.

I wish you every luck in the world and hope this time round it's easier than last time.

At 11:16 PM, Anonymous sherry said...

Oh, Dee...

Good luck to you. Don't hide!!! It's not greedy or selfish. Quite normal, I think. If we didn't have the twins, I think I'd be feeling much the same right now.

Good luck and keep me posted, girl!

At 8:17 AM, Blogger Miss W said...

We were all with you through your struggles to get to #1 and we'll be with you still as you get to #2.

Interesting, though, how those of us who had to work for it feel guilty at the thought of trying again after we've been successful while those with no fertility issues just jump right in as often as they want.

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Carol said...

I'm the same age and in the same boat. Best wishes to you!

At 12:37 AM, Blogger Kether said...

I'm rooting for you, too!


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