Joy and pain

I think I now know why operatives of certain countries employ sleep deprivation as a form of torture. Really, if you ain't getting enough sleep, everything else sucks...compounded many times over. We're still--as to be expected--having good nights and bad nights. Lucky for me, it seems that Juliana likes to get a little early morning sleeping in after her last nighttime feeding. Of course, I do the 'bad mommy' thing and put her next to me in bed (blast me if you will but it works for us for now) right after that feeding and she's out like a light for a couple of hours--which buys me some badly needed shuteye as well. I know lots of folks, parents, doctors, general opinions, etc., are not to let your child sleep in bed with you but, people, I'm desperate here for some sleep. And hey, if Dr. Sears let his kids sleep with he and his wife, that's good enough for me at this point. I don't plan on--and am not--doing it every day/night.

Other than my chronic sleep issues (and in case you're wondering--yes, it seems a human being can function just fine on 3 or 4 hours of sleep daily), breastfeeding for me continues to have its good and bad sessions as well. I think the thing that has me flummoxed at this point is the fact that I'm a very modest gal (not that you'd know or expect this given the number of medical folks who've seen my cootchie over the past 4 years or anything but still...). I am not one of those women who can simply whip out my boob and breastfeed my girl in public, I just can't do it--covered or not. Therefore, I'm tied to the house or my car for the most part (but she seems to hate nursing in the car)--or I have to head out to run errands immediately after feeding her and hope she stays asleep while we're out and about (not that we've done this much--only twice). I guess this makes me feel, to a certain extent, like I'm a prisoner in my own home.

When I made the decision to breastfeed, I did it knowing that it's best for baby. Anything I can do to help her be healthy, I'll do. But honestly I'm also a selfish person, childless for all my life, never knowing what it's like to have to give of myself 1,000% and completely nurture and care for a completely dependent human being. And I'm not complaining about having to do so, really, but I just don't know for how long I can continue the breastfeeding if I want to still have time for me. Plus, I'm really not--in all honesty--digging the breastfeeding thing. I don't think we're bonding per se. My boobs are so big that Juliana and I aren't making face/eye contact when she eats. I have to angle her sideways and she stares contentedly (or blankly--I'm not sure which) at my skin it seems.

I know plenty of women who have breastfed (especially since they had no issues doing so in public) and made time for themselves; me--not so much it seems. My original goal was to breastfeed Juliana to 4 weeks. Now that I'm staring that milestone in the face, I'm thinking of pushing it to 6 weeks. Then I'm considering pumping exclusively to bottlefeed her breast milk until I go back to work at 12 weeks. From there, I may move her to formula...I just don't know. The good thing is that A is supportive of whatever decision is made. After all, he's of the mindset that a happy and healthy mama makes for a happy and healthy Juliana and I couldn't agree more. And speaking of happy, my crying has all but stopped and I no longer feel completely overwhelmed when A leaves for work each day. Perhaps I'm becoming more comfortable with my new roles.

Tomorrow we take Juliana back to the pediatrician to see how much weight she's gained--hoping she's at 6 1/2 pounds by tomorrow. She's certainly been hoovering down the milk lately and looking bigger to me. In the next few days, she may outgrow the preemie diapers and move into newborns. And as of yesterday, she actually fits into one of her newborn onesies. Up until now, she'd only been able to fit into the preemie clothes. Sigh...I guess they really do grow up quickly.