/ The RE's Muse: Heart takes gold and silver

The RE's Muse

After 4 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 1 miscarriage, and 19 months of high risk pregnancies, hubby and I now have two little women in our lives--one a toddler, the other not far behind. Buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Heart takes gold and silver

Okay, so in honor of the Olympics, as far as bad days go for me, yesterday my heart won the gold and today it took the silver.

It is done, just like that. Yesterday I had a baby growing in me, today I do not. And that's okay, really. I understand that bad things like this can and do happen. I know that for a while I will question if I can find the strength to carry on and try again. But I also know that I can and will, that I am stronger than I think. I'm not ready to quit, not just yet. There's still some fight left in this dog (hmmm... maybe that should be '...in this beeyatch? Appropriate use of dog gender term, yes?).

I believe that, for me, my five weeks of joy and happiness was worth the heartache and pain. And that is what will help me jump back up in the stirrups when it's time. My post-op is 9/16 and I will know then where we go from here. Until then, I may lay low for a bit but I'll post from time to time. I have so much to work out in my head and soul, yet so many questions I want to ask you, so much I need to know to help me move on. But I also need to hibernate, reconnect with me, and slather my husband with love for his incredible support when I know that he must be hurting too; in short, find my joy and happiness again. It is there in the shadows, waiting to come back out. So I will laugh and cry--much, read trashy books, start working out again, and return to the oceanside--the one place where I truly can relax (okay, so I'm a Pisces--go figure--plus I live in south Florida).

And I want you all to know that your comments mean the world to me. I am so honored that you shared your love and comforting thoughts with me when you each have gone--and continue to go through--so much of your own good and bad. To know that you are out there, caring for me and my pain blows my mind, you who don't know me personally yet know more about me than just about any of my closest friends. I am grateful to know that I am not alone and, for this, I thank you. You each give me the strength to carry on when I think my spirit has been irretrievably broken.

So I will eventually pick up the pieces, get out the duct tape, and put my heart back in my chest (right after I find and corral that fucker--seems it ran off and bum rushed the stands after winning me those medals; haven't seen it since--I think it's out celebrating at the Plaka--or however those partying Greeks spell it).

Thank you, every last one of you, for your strength and grace...you are each my heroine.


13 Comments:

At 7:13 AM, Blogger Barren Mare said...

I have it on good authority that the whole universe is held together with duct tape. I hope it can help you patch things together until you can start to heal. Take care, brave girl.

 
At 10:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are amazing. I am sorry beyond words that you are going through this, but I know your strength will see you through this one. Hang in there, and you're right - don't give up hope, not yet. Mourn what you need to mourn, get that duct tape, and when you are ready, piece yourself back together again. I am so sorry for the pain, I know how deep and huge it can be - but you are right: nothing in the world can take away those five weeks of joy from you. Nothing.
Wishing you strength, peace and oh so much love,
Menita
(lifesjestbook)

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger Julie said...

I am thinking of you. What a gutsy woman you are.

 
At 3:58 PM, Blogger amanda said...

You are such a strong and amazing woman. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger lwteacher said...

I am so sorry. I can understand what you feel. I've had two blighted ovums myself. And...I have extra duct tape, if you feel the world is falling apart.

 
At 2:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I've cornered the market on duct tape in my little world, far away from you. Just let me know if you need any, I'll be happy to send some along. Sending you prayers for strength.

xxoo,

Emily
http://scrambledeggs.blogs.com/scrambled_eggs/

 
At 12:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Dee,
I wanted to answer your questions, but I couldn't find your email-- so I'll post them here.

Advanced maternal age is a blurry number. Typically, though, it seems to be 37 or higher. PGD with recurrent miscarriages is a personal choice. My RE reccomends PGD after 3 recurrent m/c's that were due to chromosomal abnormalities. I tend to go with him on this, as I think we could have avoided my 4th m/c if we had done this.

Now I need to go back and read your post from today.

Marla
The Middle Way

 
At 12:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so wise to take this time for yourself. I will be thinking of you.

Marla

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger April said...

My heart is so heavy for you right now. Take time to grieve, to reconnect and to heal. Remember we'll be here for you throughout all the time if you need help or just someone to listen.

I don't know exactly where you are in S. Fla. I'm in Hollywood - and work in downtown Miami - and I don't know how happy you are with your doctors, but if you need a referral, please feel free to email me and I'll be happy to send one along.

My heart and thoughts are with you both.

 
At 6:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Still here, still thinking of you.
Hug,
Menita

 
At 8:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and hope you are doing ok.

Nina

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Pazel said...

Dee, I'm so sorry! OMG. Your poor heart. I have imagined what it must be like to lose a baby, especially last week as I was in the emergency room, but it's not the same as actually losing one. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something more. Something I could give you, like a rose or warm socks and blanket. I would help you to the couch, to rest and not get up for awhile. I would fetch you something comforting to eat and have a cool drink with straw close by for you to reach. Don't get up, just sleep and rest. Tuck you in, then tiptoe out as you fall asleep. I'm so sorry my friend. I hope for good things again for you.

 
At 10:50 PM, Blogger Heather said...

I just found out about your loss, and I am so sorry. I'm thinking of you, right along with everyone else.
Heather
One Pink Line

 

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