Coming clean, kind of

Okay, I've reached the point where I'm tired of my infertility being a dirty little secret, tired of carrying this load of shame by myself. So I've decided to share more about what I'm going through with my closest friends. Yep, I've decided to come out of the closet...well, okay, maybe not all the way but I'm peeking a leg out.

Of course, I rationally know that there's nothing to be ashamed of, that infertility is a medical condition but dammit, why is it so hard for me to speak up about what I'm going through? I guess in my mind, doing so is the willful acknowledgement in public that something is "fundamentally" wrong with me (since it's female factor in our case). Why this cloak of shame? Maybe it stems from the American reluctance to embrace our bodies and our sexuality (in direct opposition to the European model) or maybe it stems from my own fucked up self-perception. Either way, it sucks. Sure, I know it's a personal decision to come out or hide one's infertility but that doesn't make it any easier. Everything has always been orderly and controlled in my life each step of the way--college, career, marriage...yet, the next step eludes me. I can't control this and it's eating me up inside. Which is why I'm making an effort to share more with those closest in my life. I can't go it alone, I'm just not strong enough.

I guess I'm wallowing in self-pity. Better buck up and get back on the horse or, in this case, the white pony come CD 1 in the next week to 10 days. Yeehaw....

Here goes....

To get you up-to-speed on where things are with me this cycle, I'm happy to report that the "O-twins" (no, not the Olsens) may be working on their own, at least that's according to last night's highly anticipated ovulation predictor (highly anticipated because DH has been out of town on business for the past two days during my potentially important CD 12-15). Or I could just be indulging my Hope addict here.

Mind you, I've taken one or two OPKits in the past with no discernible surge since the 0-girls seem to only work when it's convenient for them and, even though I'm their direct supervisor, I'm completely in the dark when it comes to their work schedule. There's no timecard punch in my uterus, only empty space. I think the girls are also kind of shy in the workplace, probably because my DHEAS levels were so elevated that they were considered the brown-nosing colleagues who relegated all the other reproductive workers to the B(arren)-list. Now that the boys' roll has been drastically reduced (yea!) via steroids, the girls' time to shine is upon them...let's hope they can live up to their performance contract.

The only reason the RE has me doing the kit in the first place is to gauge when to do my progesterone draw. Seems this is one test that hasn't been run on me to date--and I had to remind them of this to get the ball rolling. Since all my other hormone levels have been out of whack, I figure that's what this test will also show us. What's one more piece to add to the puzzle? And we're not talking your standard 500 piece puzzle either, at this point it's one of those monstrous 5,000 piece 3-D puzzles that I've always wanted to try but have been too intimidiated to actually do.

Anyway, when I called the RE's office this a.m. to schedule the appointment, of course their system was down so I'll have to try again later. If I could have called them last night after taking the test to schedule the appt, I would have but they were already gone for the day. This quest for baby has me, like so many of you wonderful strong women, wanting so much and wanting it now. Wanting to know that I'm making the right decisions, wanting to know that I'm moving in the right direction, wanting to know how much disappointment I can stand...wanting so much, yet expecting so little.

I'll be back on the phone to them this afternoon for that appointment, hoping and waiting...and looking forward to my next cycle, provided that no cysts show up on u/s--I mean, I wouldn't put it past those show-off girls to do their job too well and run amok now that the DHEAS boys are slacking off. Ahh...workplace violence, now I understand.