Coming clean, kind of

Okay, I've reached the point where I'm tired of my infertility being a dirty little secret, tired of carrying this load of shame by myself. So I've decided to share more about what I'm going through with my closest friends. Yep, I've decided to come out of the closet...well, okay, maybe not all the way but I'm peeking a leg out.

Of course, I rationally know that there's nothing to be ashamed of, that infertility is a medical condition but dammit, why is it so hard for me to speak up about what I'm going through? I guess in my mind, doing so is the willful acknowledgement in public that something is "fundamentally" wrong with me (since it's female factor in our case). Why this cloak of shame? Maybe it stems from the American reluctance to embrace our bodies and our sexuality (in direct opposition to the European model) or maybe it stems from my own fucked up self-perception. Either way, it sucks. Sure, I know it's a personal decision to come out or hide one's infertility but that doesn't make it any easier. Everything has always been orderly and controlled in my life each step of the way--college, career, marriage...yet, the next step eludes me. I can't control this and it's eating me up inside. Which is why I'm making an effort to share more with those closest in my life. I can't go it alone, I'm just not strong enough.

I guess I'm wallowing in self-pity. Better buck up and get back on the horse or, in this case, the white pony come CD 1 in the next week to 10 days. Yeehaw....