/ The RE's Muse: NICU day 4

The RE's Muse

After 4 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 1 miscarriage, and 19 months of high risk pregnancies, hubby and I now have two little women in our lives--one a toddler, the other not far behind. Buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Monday, February 05, 2007

NICU day 4

I love the circled wagons gals, thank you so so much. G-d, does it help.

Things seem to move in slow motion in the NICU. Daniela had another EEG this morning and we're waiting for the results to be read. However, we had a nice nurse on duty this morning and she was kind enough to whisper to me (one of those "you didn't hear it from me"s) that the tech told her (on the sly as well) there was no seizure activity noted during the EEG. Hurrah! What lovely news. That makes it almost 18 hours or so with no seizure activity noted (knock wood). Perhaps that means that it's starting to taper off as the doctors anticipated and that her brain edema is decreasing also as anticipated.

The MRA is about to be done shortly. I just called to give them permission to do the test (it seems they forgot to get it from me when we were there earlier) so hopefully it'll be done in a little while.

Everything else is pretty much status quo. She remains on the vent but entirely on room air. She's taking a good deal of breaths on her own despite the vent. She's still loaded up on phenobarbitol and heavily sedated. Grandma came with us this morning and finally got to see her newest granddaughter. Grandmas are good about not seeing the tubes and machinery, you know?

As for how I'm doing, I'm trying to hang on, I really am but I often find myself whirling and swirling in a sea of doubt. Did this happen because of something I did? Something I didn't do? Could it have been prevented? All that time she was quiet and didn't move alot in utero, had she already had the stroke and that's why she was oftentimes so sedate in there?

I'm trying to put on my "happy" everything's okay face in front of Juliana...whose favorite thing to do nowadays to ask mama to sit on the floor with her and play. It's one of our daily routines. Alas, the floor is so incredibly uncomfortable on my battered girl bits that it's been all but impossible but I'm trying. She's been home with her grandmother here for the past 4 days. We took her to daycare this morning to get back to her normal routine and she was devastated. A said it was the first time he came close to losing it, walking out of there to the vision of her burying her head in her teacher's neck, crying in a soft manner. When he came home and told me that, forget it. I was a goner, yet again.

So much swirling and whirling. Crying. Trying to hold it together, wondering if I'm riding the slippery slope of PPD downward or if it's just the hormonal post-delivery crash. I'm not sure which it is.

I remember when my biggest concern during this pregnancy was whether or not I could love a second child as much I love Juliana. Many of you reassured me that I would. And you know what? You were so right, so incredibly on the mark. I realized when she came out that I loved her from the second I found out we were pregnant. Absolutely amazing that love.

Last night as we drove home from the hospital, A said to me "When I see the look in your eyes when you look at her and how you dote on her, I fall in love with you all over again." By g-d, I don't know what I ever did to get this incredible man in my life, but wow, did I win one in the husband lottery.

16 Comments:

At 5:58 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

What a sweet husband, doting on you doting. That comment will probably carry you on though whatever comes.

How was Juliana when picking her up from daycare? Had she forgotten it all?

Hurrah for nurses and techs with loose tongues!

 
At 6:24 PM, Anonymous Menita said...

So glad she's doing so much better. And Juliana will be fine : ) Comes with the turf of being a big sister.
About PPD: don't stress out worrying about it - you have enough on your plate. If it comes, it comes, and nice little pills and nice doctors will see you through it. Not that I'd know...

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger Cat, Galloping said...

I'm glad today's news is a little bit better. Still thinking of you constantly.

 
At 8:34 PM, Blogger Chebbles' Mama said...

I love the super-secret news of the no seizures. And oh, I remember the girly bits. You're incredible for sitting on the floor... maybe a donut pillow on the floor would help, maybe??? You guys have been on my mind all day today, and I'm so happy to hear the good news.

 
At 8:34 PM, Blogger WriterGrrl said...

Oy, that was the worst, coming home to my other kids and trying to pretend like everything was normal. I'm telling you, just getting out of bed is a HUGE accomplishment. You are getting through each day, one day at a time, and that is great. Thinking of you lots.

 
At 8:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad your news is a bit better today. My girlfriend's husband began having seizures as an adult. Tests revealed he had had a stroke in utero. He is on medication and is fine. I wonder if the more people hear your story, the more common you will find it is. Jill

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger lagiulia said...

I'm glad you had some better news. There are so many ups and downs in the NICU, it's always so good to get an up. I love what your husband said. What a sweet, sensitive thing to say during this chaotic time. Juliana's desire to play with you on the floor is so cute. It's tough having one at home while the other is in the hospital, and I'm so glad you have help.
I too wondered about PPD, but I really think it is hard to distinguish between that and just the enormous stress of your situation right now. It sounds like you're doing an amazing job for your daughters right now, and I hope that others will do an amazing job taking care of you, too. You are a wonderful mom and an amazing woman.
Much love and strength to you, my friend. You still have our prayers.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger ThreeBees said...

So glad to hear everything continues to improve. Thinking of you and your sweet babies . . .

Much love to you. You have a wonderful husband and you are both incredible parents and partners. Hang in there sweetie.

 
At 10:01 PM, Blogger Cass said...

Menita sent me. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. And so glad that at least some of the time you have such wonderful (and reassuring) nurses in the NICU - I remember that made such a difference for us.

 
At 10:40 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

I know you always talk about the Golden Ticket, but I do believe you found one the day you met A. Juliana and Daniela were bonus tickets ;)

I wouldn't call it PPD I would call it "I want my baby home syndrome". But if it is PPD or you are nervous about that talk to the doc. You are going through incredible amounts of stress. Being hormonal is allowed.

I give you credit being able to put on the shiny happy face with Juliana. I have a hard enough time doing that when my period is here...I can't imagine doing it whilst going through all you have on your plate right now.

Thinking of you! And thanks for taking the time to keep us all posted. I check my bloglines constantly.

 
At 11:18 PM, Blogger Jbeeky said...

Hi,
I came by through Shaken Mama and want to send my great thoughts and prayers for a healthy road from here!

 
At 11:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

glad today's news was better. thinking of you and your family --

--jenn

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Heather said...

I agree with Amanda. Don't even think about PPD until you have darling Daniela at home with you and doing well. If, at that point, you're still feeling lousy, then maybe consider PPD. But for now, I think it would be more suprising if you weren't feeling pretty scared and low. However, it sounds like Miss D is starting to come around, and that is wonderful news. And that husband of yours? Amazing.

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger Cathy said...

Sending good thoughts your way.

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Lizzy said...

I stopped by via Babes in Blogland...wanted to lend you all my support and let you know we're sending good vibe out into the universe for Daniella and your beautiful family.
Your strength is inspiring.

 
At 6:22 PM, Blogger TinaBellina said...

I've been lurking for a while now so I'm sorry it took something like this for me to make my presence known. I read Shaken Mama's write up about beautiful Daniela and knew I had to break my silence! I am so glad your wonderful little girl is making progress and I will keep the good thoughts & prayers & wishes coming your way.
P.S. I think both your husband and you are lucky to have each other.

 

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