NICU day 2

We learned this morning that the MRI shows Daniela suffered a small stroke--either before, during or immediately after delivery and they're not exactly sure why. It's the reason she's now experiencing the seizures, which are still ongoing even though she's receiving a fairly high dose of phenobarbitol.

We spent about an hour and a half there last night around 1 a.m. or so and will go back this afternoon and again tonight. I'd stay there all day and night if I could. Leaving there without her is the hardest part for me; I just keep thinking that she's all alone with no one there to love her...but A assures me that those nurses love those babies or else they wouldn't be in the line of work that they are. True I imagine but just not the same, I'm sorry.

The neurologist did say that she expects her to make a full recovery from the stroke (though she said this followed by "G-d willing"). I spoke with our pediatrician this morning to give her the update as she hadn't spoken with the neurologist yet. She was wonderful and went out of her way to tell me about another patient in the practice who had suffered a similar stroke at birth or shortly thereafter and the only after effect he now has is a weaker right arm. Oh, how I hope that's the worst of our long-term effects.

They're now awaiting all of the culture results to see if either a bacterial or viral infection was the cause of the stroke. Monday will be 72 hours, which is the full course of time for the cultures to grow, so if they're negative then, infection is not the cause. They came back negative at 24 hours so far so we'll see. There is some possibility that the nuchal cord caused the stroke, or perhaps they may never exactly know why at all. It all comes down to putting the puzzle pieces together. They will repeat the MRI on Monday to see how her brain looks.

She's on the ventilator now so she's officially a level III patient (highest level of care). She stops breathing when she seizes which is the reason for the ventilator.

I am trying to be strong, I really am, but it's just so hard. I'm already an emotional person--regardless of pregnancy hormones but now that I imagine those are starting to crash, it's only getting worse. Last night--her first in the NICU while we were at home without her--was the worst, I was afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid I'll miss something though I know I won't. The NICU will call if anything changes or any emergencies crop up. We've been told that this is not life-threatening so that was somewhat reassuring though my mind is all over the place and I can't help it when that "what if" thought comes up. I shove it off as quickly as possible but it's there, lurking in the shadows, waiting to grab me at my darkest moments.

I don't know how I can get through this. I continue to put one foot in front of the other and I know that I can and I will get through this but it's just so so emotionally draining. I can't stop crying. A is being so incredibly supportive. I apologized to him for the fact that I can't be strong right now, that he has to be the 'rock' of our relationship--even though I know he's hurting too and she's his daughter too and he's just as scared, and every other emotion you can think of, as I am.

Thank you, all of you, for your kind words and everything else. They help so much...more than you can imagine. I certainly need all the help I can get, now more than ever.

I just keep chanting in my head, please please please let her be okay. I've never wanted anymore else more than I want this....she just has to be okay. Please, just let her be okay.