One year ago

One year ago today, A and I were in Key West with 3 other couples who are our dearest friends in the world (2 of whom have children they had left with family while the other couple were/are our kindred infertiles). We had rented a beautiful 120-year old, 4 bedroom Conch house for a four-day weekend of unwinding and reconnnecting.

A and I were about 10 days post IUI #5 and I was dutifully waiting for my period to start. After all, it had come like clockwork--only 9 days after each of the four previous IUIs we'd had done.

That weekend found me cramping almost non-stop all over town and running to the bathroom in the house or whatever bar we found ourselves in, checking for the blood that I knew was soon to come. Irish Kevin's, Captain Tony's, Turtle Kraals, you name it--I spent time in their bathroom diligently wiping and scrutinizing the toilet paper for the teeniest show of pink. Since I don't carry a purse around whenever we're in Key West, poor A found himself carrying a pad in his shorts pocket in anticipation should we be out and about when AF arrived.

But the weekend came and went and it didn't arrive. The cramps kept up for a bit, then quit altogether. And then 2 days after getting back home, beta #1 told me that I was pregnant. It was followed by appropriately doubling betas 2 and 3 and a good preliminary ultrasound a few weeks later. It was ultrasound #2, at 6w6d, where it all went to pot. Blighted ovum, no heartbeat, nothing, do you want a D&C or do you want to let nature take its course? The next day found me in outpatient surgery at the hospital for the D&C. The next month found me in pieces, devastated. Such joy, and then such heartbreak: Two polar opposites in a span of 7 or so weeks.

As strange as it may sound, despite the miscarriage, I still have incredibly warm memories of that four-day weekend in Key West. We took so many photos and when I look at them now, I sometimes stop and think to myself, "We had a great time and ohmigosh unbeknownst to me, I was pregnant then" or "the embryo was implanting while we were there," or something else to that effect. It makes the trip that much more special. And even though that pregnancy was doomed (the baby was a chromosomally abnormal boy), it doesn't take away from the trip or the time spent with those we love. Regardless of what happened to us with the pregnancy, it was a wonderful weekend.

When I look back at how much has happened since July 31st last year, I can't believe it. If you had told me that I'd get pregnant and lose it, and then get pregnant again two months later (and not lose it)...and that I'd have a baby by July 31st one year later, I would have said 'no way, not me, the fates don't smile on me that way.' But for whatever reason, they did.

It's a tired cliche but it's true...what a difference a year makes.