Where mild panic sets in

* I preface this by saying I am a worrier by nature but NBHHY--no bleeding, etc.--so I am sorry for any alarm caused you by this entry's title but after you finish reading it, you may see why I'm in a mild state of panic *

So we went to last night's "cheat" session ultrasound, hoping to find out himorshe's gender and just say hello since it's been a few weeks since we last saw the growing tyke. First things first, the gender was inconclusive. At first the tech thought it was a girl, then a boy, then said he didn't know as we're just now at the time where gender can be seen but that a definitive answer would be apparent between 22 and 24 weeks. Thanks for nothing.

Oh, wait, no, thank you for the small heart attack you gave me prior to that when the first sentence out of your mouth after taking a look at himorshe's head on ultrasound was "Did your triple screen test come back okay?" WTF? Were you insinuating that something was not right with the baby's head and perhaps you wanted to make sure the test results were okay/not okay so as not to slip and tell me something I might not already know? The tech training with him took the head measurement and it came up about 4 days ahead of the baby's actual gestational age--did that mean something? I don't know. They then remeasured it and it came out 1 day ahead of actual gestational age--which, of course, I assumed they did in order to cover their tracks--perhaps lowering the number arbitrarily--and change the larger measurement that perhaps is indicative of some sort of problem. You know, CYA and all. Or it may just be that I'm being a paranoid freak about this.

And add my thanks to the tech-in-training with him who started out the session by putting the ultrasound transponder too high up on my belly so there was no baby to be seen on the screen. It took her a while to migrate the unit downward and get the baby in the picture. A said as he watched that, the only thought going through his head was that I was probably starting to freak out and think the worst as no image of the baby came up on the screen for a minute or two. Actually, what I was thinking was along the lines of "Hey dumbass, the baby's not yet anywhere near my belly button--how about I show you where the fuck to find it or at least point you several inches to the south, rocket scientist?"

So now, because of this debacle, I am on pins and needles waiting to find out the results of my integrated serum screen/triple screen--which I won't get until my next OB visit on Feb. 15th (but I will be calling today--8 days after the second blood draw for the test--to ask when the results are known and clarify if they'll call me with them or go over them at my next visit). Of course, I'm now expecting to hear that it's abnormal and something is very wrong with the baby. Because nothing can be easy in this.

I see the perinatalogist on Jan. 31st for the level 2 ultrasound where perhaps we'll get to learn the baby's gender and we'll get all the measurements, etc., that may show all to be okay with the baby--or not. My mind keeps trying to visit this topic and I keep kicking it onto something else. In the shower this morning, the brain really wanted to dissect the possibilities of what could be wrong and what it would be like to have to make the decision on whether to end the pregnancy if something horrendously bad shows up. I made it change gears, asked myself what the odds were of this happening--but I don't know the answer. I just know that far too many bad things have happened to incredible women in this community for me to think it couldn't happen to me.

So, thanks ultrasound guy, for fucking up what until now had been a relatively worry-free phase of this pregnancy for me. Here I was just drifting along, thinking happy thoughts...foolish, naive infertile that I am. Oh, and thanks also for helping me waste about 2 hours of my life that I can't get back. Had I known what a farce last night would have been, I'd have saved myself and A the trip, the trouble, and now the worry. Oh--wait, here's the kicker, I got a card for a free return ultrasound at my convenience--with a suggestion from the tech that I come back around 22 to 24 weeks for a definitive gender ID. Here's a suggestion for you: get some sensitivity training or at least learn how to voice your questions in a more neutral manner. Thinking before opening your mouth will also help, fuckstick.

Now excuse me while I go off in my cave for a bit...I'll be in there, breathing into a paper bag periodically until next Monday's level 2.