/ The RE's Muse: Where mild panic sets in

The RE's Muse

After 4 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 1 miscarriage, and 19 months of high risk pregnancies, hubby and I now have two little women in our lives--one a toddler, the other not far behind. Buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Where mild panic sets in

* I preface this by saying I am a worrier by nature but NBHHY--no bleeding, etc.--so I am sorry for any alarm caused you by this entry's title but after you finish reading it, you may see why I'm in a mild state of panic *

So we went to last night's "cheat" session ultrasound, hoping to find out himorshe's gender and just say hello since it's been a few weeks since we last saw the growing tyke. First things first, the gender was inconclusive. At first the tech thought it was a girl, then a boy, then said he didn't know as we're just now at the time where gender can be seen but that a definitive answer would be apparent between 22 and 24 weeks. Thanks for nothing.

Oh, wait, no, thank you for the small heart attack you gave me prior to that when the first sentence out of your mouth after taking a look at himorshe's head on ultrasound was "Did your triple screen test come back okay?" WTF? Were you insinuating that something was not right with the baby's head and perhaps you wanted to make sure the test results were okay/not okay so as not to slip and tell me something I might not already know? The tech training with him took the head measurement and it came up about 4 days ahead of the baby's actual gestational age--did that mean something? I don't know. They then remeasured it and it came out 1 day ahead of actual gestational age--which, of course, I assumed they did in order to cover their tracks--perhaps lowering the number arbitrarily--and change the larger measurement that perhaps is indicative of some sort of problem. You know, CYA and all. Or it may just be that I'm being a paranoid freak about this.

And add my thanks to the tech-in-training with him who started out the session by putting the ultrasound transponder too high up on my belly so there was no baby to be seen on the screen. It took her a while to migrate the unit downward and get the baby in the picture. A said as he watched that, the only thought going through his head was that I was probably starting to freak out and think the worst as no image of the baby came up on the screen for a minute or two. Actually, what I was thinking was along the lines of "Hey dumbass, the baby's not yet anywhere near my belly button--how about I show you where the fuck to find it or at least point you several inches to the south, rocket scientist?"

So now, because of this debacle, I am on pins and needles waiting to find out the results of my integrated serum screen/triple screen--which I won't get until my next OB visit on Feb. 15th (but I will be calling today--8 days after the second blood draw for the test--to ask when the results are known and clarify if they'll call me with them or go over them at my next visit). Of course, I'm now expecting to hear that it's abnormal and something is very wrong with the baby. Because nothing can be easy in this.

I see the perinatalogist on Jan. 31st for the level 2 ultrasound where perhaps we'll get to learn the baby's gender and we'll get all the measurements, etc., that may show all to be okay with the baby--or not. My mind keeps trying to visit this topic and I keep kicking it onto something else. In the shower this morning, the brain really wanted to dissect the possibilities of what could be wrong and what it would be like to have to make the decision on whether to end the pregnancy if something horrendously bad shows up. I made it change gears, asked myself what the odds were of this happening--but I don't know the answer. I just know that far too many bad things have happened to incredible women in this community for me to think it couldn't happen to me.

So, thanks ultrasound guy, for fucking up what until now had been a relatively worry-free phase of this pregnancy for me. Here I was just drifting along, thinking happy thoughts...foolish, naive infertile that I am. Oh, and thanks also for helping me waste about 2 hours of my life that I can't get back. Had I known what a farce last night would have been, I'd have saved myself and A the trip, the trouble, and now the worry. Oh--wait, here's the kicker, I got a card for a free return ultrasound at my convenience--with a suggestion from the tech that I come back around 22 to 24 weeks for a definitive gender ID. Here's a suggestion for you: get some sensitivity training or at least learn how to voice your questions in a more neutral manner. Thinking before opening your mouth will also help, fuckstick.

Now excuse me while I go off in my cave for a bit...I'll be in there, breathing into a paper bag periodically until next Monday's level 2.


At 10:12 AM, Blogger Jenn said...

Oh Dee-- I am so sorry you are going through this now. Please remember that those people last nite are NOT your primary care OBs. They do not know your history and for them to try and give you definitive answers when never seeing you before and in a training environment is ridiculous. That is why some radiologists leave the reporting to the doctor unless they are fully aligned with a practice. Do not give another thought to their incompetence and insensitivity. Wait to hear what your OB has to say. I know once you get to a point like this, it's hard to forget--but your baby needs your good mommy vibes right now. Remember to breathe between now and Monday!

At 10:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

UGH!!!! That idiot. Don't listen to techs. They're simply not qualified. A tech that blurts out girl and boy before concluding he doesn't know is a blurter. He is missing a large and important part of the brain that filters the "stupid wrong thoughts" before they get to the mouth. Therefore, he just has constant verbal diarrhea. If your baby was holding up a sign reading "I am perfectly healthy" he would say I think there might be something wrong.
Only a DOCTOR- you know, medical school? residency? internship? that kind of doctor can tell you when there is a concern. Not some dildo-cam weilding time- waster. Don't fret. The baby is fine, I just know it.

At 11:33 AM, Blogger amanda said...

I'm so sorry that you had to be jerked back into the world of worry. Just remember that the world is full of incompetent people. Sounds like your u/s tech could be one of them. Fingers crossed for Monday's u/s.

At 12:02 PM, Blogger Kristin said...

Don't stress about the head measurement (I know, lame assed assvice) both my kids had very large heads but evrything was and is 100 % fine with them.

Sorry you are having to deal with this unwanted and unneeded stress. Hoping and praying for the best when you have your level 2 u/s.

At 1:20 PM, Blogger Barren Mare said...

Just to say I am thinking of you and sending lots of calming thoughts your way.

At 2:00 PM, Blogger Jen P said...


I'm sorry for the tech's stupid words. The first thing that came to my mind was....HELLO!? Have you stupid ass tech's SEEN a baby??? The legs don't catch up to the head until 26-28 weeks!?!? The head is of course big!!! Stupid ass tech!!

Grrr. Sorry. I had to get that out there. What do they expect? The head has been the source of growth for the past forever and the legs only begin to grow after 14-16 weeks.

This is just what I got out of a pg book so I mean...it's ain't exactly brain surgery to realise that the head is going to be larger for a while.

I hope the worry lessens a bit and the days hurry up and you get your scan really, really quickly.

As for the gender determination...if it's 'apparent' between 22 and 24 weeks? Why then do I have my gender scan at 20 weeks? These techs...truly.

Best wishes Dee.

At 2:45 PM, Blogger E. said...

Well, that's maddening! I am so sorry you're in worryworld right now. I hope Monday's u/s gives you back the calm you need -- but what a shitty week of waiting! Stupid, uterus-losing, insensitive tech...

At 9:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gawd, I HATE, no, LOATHE these techs who toss off assinine comments when they don't know what the hell they're talking about and just upset the patient. If they want to be a doctor, then tell them to go back to school and learn how to read the effing things right. Grrrr....

Thinking of you Dee.


At 11:27 PM, Blogger Julianna said...

That completely sucks, I don't blame you for being fit to be tied. He sounds like he was an idiot.

Hang in there.

Thinking of you.

At 8:58 AM, Blogger Toni said...

So sorry...I hope they gave you a feedback card.

Everything will be okay Dee....

At 12:11 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Oh Dee, what an awful experience. I would be freaking out, too, just because that's what I do. But you're right, odds are it was just a case of you having the random misfortune of an idiot jackass ultrasound tech, NOT anything wrong with the baby. The level two u/s will be very reassuring, but I know it must seem millions of years away right now. Hang in there as best you can; we are all thinking of/praying for you and himorshe!

At 4:54 AM, Blogger Kim said...

Believe me I know how hard it is not to panic over everything. But I have to agree with everybody above - look at the source of the "information". The source is too suspect to take seriously what they had to say - someone who can't even find your uterus probably can't identify much else either!


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