/ The RE's Muse: Just when you thought it was safe

The RE's Muse

After 4 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 1 miscarriage, and 19 months of high risk pregnancies, hubby and I now have two little women in our lives--one a toddler, the other not far behind. Buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Just when you thought it was safe

to take down your hurricane shutters, back comes Jeanne. And it seems she's hell bent on following the same path as Frances. Lucky me, lucky us. Ah, life in paradise. Today I waited almost 45 minutes to get gasoline, yet again. And it will only get worse in the next two days.

This time, I'm not sticking around these parts. I'm heading down to dear SIL's house in Broward county; hubby wants to stay here with our fertile friends with whom we shared our previous hurricane experience three weeks ago. I simply cannot subject myself to that torture again...at least not so soon. So I will go 90 miles south of home tomorrow night with our dogs and vital belongings (fertility meds, sharps, prenatal vits, legal documents, medical records, and so on) while he stays here to have quick access back to assess any damage. Gee, and just think--there's only 68 more days left 'til hurricane season ends (Nov. 30th--also, not so coincidentally, our wedding anniversary--we got married that day 'cause there was no way I was going to do it during 'season' and let a hurricane ruin a perfectly good party).

I'm still waiting on AF to show up. Tomorrow marks 4 weeks post-D&C and I know it can still be up to another 4 weeks for that bitch to make her appearance. Today though I could have sworn I felt some inklings of cramps here and there, maybe 5 or 6 times in all. But you know those 'precursors,' don't you? They show up a day or two beforehand, quietly zing you from time to time, and then go away when the big boys show up. Today I also had--and brace yourself for way TMI--two horrible diarrhea instances--one at work (let's hear it for the bathrooms farthest down the hall that no one uses--yea!) and one later at home. Now, for me, that's usually a sure sign that AF is on the way. Apparently, all that progesterone is really good at clearing out the old pipes.

Once AF makes her appearance, I can figure which weekend we'll be going up to see friends in Atlanta next month. Then I can also estimate when our next cycle will begin, the one in which we get back up on the horse, start the dildocam footage and Gonal-F shots again, the one in which Hope makes her triumphant return. I picture her like Lady Godiva, naked and astride a horse, sitting tall, doe-eyed and beckoning me to join her for the ride.

I do believe that I have become a Hope junkie. One taste of success, one +HPT, one BFP, and I'm wanting that back again. Now that I know I can (kind of) do it, I want a shot at it again. Maybe next time will be it, maybe next time the baby won't be chromosomally abnormal, maybe next time I can dare to dream again. But, just in case, I'll take it one day at a time from now 'til ?

To that effect, I bought a scroll-type 'placard' at Hallmark the other day and hung it where I can read it every day. It says:

Have hope,
Be patient,
Take courage,
Find peace.

Personally, I think it may have been the best 98 cents I ever spent (it was $3.95 marked down 75%--score for the day!).

So, even though Jeanne is coming this way, I'm going to try to live that mantra. And even though there's no guarantee I'll ever get pg again, I'm still going to try to live that mantra as we go forward with the next cycle. I'm not going to look farther ahead than that 'cause you never know what might happen next time.

You are a part of the reality behind that mantra...that placard. Thank you all for giving me courage and helping me find peace. I hope I don't let you (or me) down.


At 9:24 AM, Blogger amanda said...

What is it with hurricanes and Florida this season? Stay safe, Dee. I think your attitude is great, and I really like your new mantra. Don't you worry about letting anyone down. I don't think it's possible. You're one awesome lady!

At 5:14 PM, Blogger Julianna said...

My best friend just went back to her home near Palm Beach only to face the same fate as you. Unbelievable!

Good luck to you!

At 12:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The hurricanes are such as metaphor for IF, aren't they? AF didn't arrive for me anywhere from 4-12 weeks post D&C. Not the news you probably waned to hear, just wanted to let you know there is nothing wrong with your body, it just takes time. Time. How I hate time sometimes.

the middle way

At 12:43 AM, Blogger Jen P said...

Gosh, another hurricaine?! Jeeeez. I hope Jeanne treats you well and just blusters by and heads out to sea.

And I really wish this next cycle is so amazing for you. I really liked the visual of Hope as Lady Godiva...she's kinda like that. Exotic, alluring, and generally having Hope involves a heck of a lot of chocolate.

Best wishes for the weekend. And good on you for escaping the torturous fertile hell. You'll be in my thoughts. Lots of luck in the hurricaine.

At 12:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darling Dee, you are already so patient, courageous and hopeful. I am praying hard that soon you will be granted joy and peace.
What's the deal with these hurricanes? Seriously, girl, is relocation an option? This is just crazy - I can't imagine the stress of living in the middle of this triple whammy.
Hoping you and yours see this one out OK.

At 9:51 PM, Blogger NSR said...

Dee - Hope you are doing ok! Thanks for sharing the Hallmark saying. It is very inspiring.



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