/ The RE's Muse: Who am I?

The RE's Muse

After 4 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 1 miscarriage, and 19 months of high risk pregnancies, hubby and I now have two little women in our lives--one a toddler, the other not far behind. Buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Who am I?

Some days I think I've got this mothering thing down pat. And then other days I stop and wonder just what the hell I've gotten myself into.

I'm a type A personality...and I have always been very organized (hello, the list is my best friend!), disciplined, clear-minded, and I had a regular daily routine (work, home, work out, make dinner, hang out, sleep--lather, rinse, repeat). But for the life of me, since Juliana arrived, I can't seem to get my shit together post-pregnancy. I've only taken off 10 lbs. of baby weight (um, yeah, that means all I lost was the weight of the baby/placenta/fluids and nothing more), plus I can't seem to find the time to exercise or even make dinner, can't keep my thoughts straight, and can't remember shit. No lie.

I see other mothers (typically SAHMs at the grocery store, mall, etc.) with their babies and take inventory--they're thin, well-dressed, make up/hair done--in general, they're well 'pulled together,' and this makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. Me--WAHM (with baby still attending daycare full-time), fat, barely presentably dressed (none of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit--WAH!), hair a mess or pulled up in a clip, no makeup, and tired...so damn tired most of the time. Yeah, I'm whining but I just can't seem to get it together and I don't know why. I don't think I'm depressed...I'm actually pretty happy about most things in my life right now but things just seem so disheleved on the personal and home fronts.

Now that Juliana is here, things are different...and I knew they would be so it's not like any of this came as a surprise. I just feel like there aren't enough hours in a day anymore. I just don't feel like 'me' anymore. I'm someone else (I know, I know--I'm a 'mom' now) but I don't know this new person, and unfortunately, don't have time to get to know her.

But I do have the time to get to know the "new" person in the photo above (a person who is ohsoclose to crawling v v soon) and I have to say, getting to know her is the best part of this new reality.


At 12:48 PM, Blogger ThreeBees said...

I know this feeling -- We took a family picture for our Christmas cards and they came out pretty nice. I sent a card to an old co-worker of mine and she said she showed it around the office and everyone thought I looked great -- while it was nice to hear, all I could think is, that I managed to pull it together for ONE DAY -- most of the time, my hair is unattractly pulled back, I'm in grungy clothes and no make-up. I do feel out of sorts still and feel like I can't manage to get anything done -- the dog hair lining my baseboards mocks me. . .

On the upside, my daughter seems to smile bigger when she sees me this way -- probably because mommy looks so weird :), but also because she knows me this way -- and this makes me feel strangely good because I HATE the way I look without make-up and my hair pulled back -- there are so many scars and splotches -- but it doesn't matter to her -- to her I'm just momma and that is worth everything. :)

(Could your daughter be more adorable? Love the pics!)

At 7:55 PM, Anonymous Menita said...

Oh how I hear you. I had the idea that I was going to be SUCH a chic mom....hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!
Fortunately P thinks I am the most gorgeous thing on the planet. I figure I have time to get my act together until she turns into a teen and feels ashamed of me all the time...

At 4:55 PM, Blogger Toffee said...

Oh, I was/am the same way about MY routine. I still get stressed out and have dealt with it by cutting back my work, looking at the mirror and going "good enough" (but wonder when my hair is finally going to stop falling out... good news, some hair seems to be growing back in), my clothes fit differently, my boobs are a strange consistency (I finally weaned last month), and wonder how on earth other moms, especially the ones I see with more than 1 baby do it. Exercise is a distant memory and I made a new years resolution to make it to the gym or walk ONCE a week...so far have not kept it...so on and so forth.

Oh, thanks for the car seat info, I am now the proud owner of the Aloha roundabout. The cover is SO soft!

At 9:30 PM, Anonymous Day said...

Ditto, ditto and ditto.

There's a poem inscribed in a mural at our pediatrician's office - it goes something like "Mama stop flitting from task to task, for the me you now see before thee will soon no longer cease to be." You know, the gist being that they grow up so fast so enjoy them while you can.

And so I kind of commit to giving Simon my all, and though he loves me despite my unmanicured hands and air-dried hair, I miss feeling so "together."

If it weren't for my borderline OCD husband, my house would be a shambles.

Ms J is absolutely gorgeous.

At 9:52 AM, Blogger WriterGrrl said...

Most of the moms you're seeing are on their 2nd or 3rd kid, I'd wager, and have had time to figure stuff out. They drop one kid off at daycare/preschool and have the second one at home. They know they're going out in the morning, so they have to get dressed, etc. Case in point -- last night, I took my baby out to a class on kitchen design. Everyone oohed and ahed, "How old is the baby?" "Three weeks." "Oh, my! And you're out and about already?" "Listen, he's my fourth. For me, this is a treat. It means my husband is home ALONE with the other three." That said, I just discovered today that I have to lose 35 to 40 pounds to get back to my pre-preg weight, so apparently I lost NOTHING from delivery. Yay.

At 9:59 PM, Blogger sherry said...

I would gander a guess that most of those mommies you see in the store? It's all a friggin' act. Either that or they sacrafice something else to keep up appearances. Or, it's possible I suppose, to do it ALL. But, honestly, what the hell fun is that?

I think you're doing a phenomenal job. I'm a SAHM and I can't keep it together for love nor money, and I'm pretty OK with that.

At 10:21 AM, Blogger Amanda said...

I totally related with this post, Dee. I am so right there with you. My clothes used to be neat, and while I have never been a make-up wearer, I spent time on my appearance before leaving the house.

Nowadays the biggest gift I give myself daily is a shower. As long as I get a shower I feel as though I have accomplished something for myself. Everything else is for Julia. I see other Mom's in the stores too and wonder to myself, "What am I doing wrong?" But then all I have to do is hum the song from Julia's exersaucer and she cracks up...full on gummy smile with tongue out...and I could care less that I am wearing my jeans for the third day in a row.

Sure I have a third dog growing in the corner from all of the dog hair. Or I can't remember the last time I did more than spot clean here and there.

But I love every moment with Julia. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

But I am glad to know I am not the only one ;)


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