/ The RE's Muse: Take my breath away

The RE's Muse

After 4 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 1 miscarriage, and 19 months of high risk pregnancies, hubby and I now have two little women in our lives--one a toddler, the other not far behind. Buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Take my breath away

Depressing post ahead...consider yourself duly warned :-)

Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere, leaves me momentarily stunned. You see, sometimes, when I least expect it, I'm reminded that I lost our baby. Friday I would have been 12 weeks along; instead Friday was the five-week 'anniversary' of my D&C, it was also the first day of AF. What can I say? My timing, apparently for once, was impeccable.

Sometimes I wonder if the pg was real or if I dreamed it; it seems so far away and as if it happened to someone else, someone not me--at least not the me that I am now. It all happened so quickly it seems, looking back on it. A surprisingly smooth cycle: only 1 follicle after 8 days of low dose Gonal-F, 2 unremarkable IUIs with 3 rounds of back-up sex at home, didn't let myself stress over it, went to Key West late in the 2WW, got drunk for the first time in years--no lie, implantation happened somewhere along the way, 3 superbly rising betas, 1 early u/s where all was good, 2nd u/s where hope got the shit beat out of her, as did my heart. Did it all really happen?

Sometimes I get angry. But I've also come to understand that, for me, it had to happen...that the baby would not have lived long had the pg progressed to term. But that doesn't make the pain go away, even when I haven't felt it for a while. Still it returns...pokes into my ribs with its sharp claws, makes my head swim and my eyes water, makes me question myself, my choices, my life, and why it has to be so damn hard.

Sometimes the pain is so fresh, so raw, it takes my breath away. I have to wonder if I can possibly go through it again and emerge intact. I'm not intact now, not in the least. An indelible scar has been left on my heart and in my soul. I feel broken at times and wonder what can be done to 'fix' me.

Sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. You see, in those early days following the miscarriage, I did everything I could to delay the inevitable coming of night--I watched TV 'til the wee hours, read, anything that meant I didn't have to close my eyes and try to sleep. The thought of sleeping and then getting up to face the coming day was overwhelming when I didn't know how I could find the strength to go on, to get up, to continue living. I was paralyzed, consumed by my fear; it was all-encompassing. Life was not the same, I was not the same, so how could I just return to my same 'normal' (read pre-miscarriage) routine? I struggled with that one. And now I again find myself struggling with it; it hits when I least expect it.

Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself to breathe, to carry on, to hold my head up high, to put one foot in front of the other. That I'm a survivor, that people have made it through much worse and still they persevere. What is their secret? How do they do it? How can I face each day when I sometimes can't face the night? How do I learn to breathe again?

15 Comments:

At 9:12 AM, Blogger amanda said...

I'm so sorry, Dee. Quite honestly, I don't know how you do it, but I do know that you are one strong and amazing lady. My thoughts are with you.

 
At 10:18 AM, Blogger Stacy said...

Dee, I can't tell you anything you don't already know and sorry seems so inadequate, although I am sorry that your so sad and grieving. Please know your in my thoughts and prayers. If you hang on long enough every down eventually leads to an up. So hang on!

 
At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

In answer to all your questions: I don't know.
I guess the trick is to keep surviving until some day you can begin living again.
I am thinking of you.
Menita
(lifesjestbook)

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Julianna said...

Does it help when you know that people hurt with you? Does it help that you have touched so many strangers with your story, and with your bravery?
Does it help ......no........I know, nothing helps.

I am so very sorry your heart is in shreds. The pain can be excruciating. Hang in there.

 
At 3:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry sweetie, so very sorry. I'm holding you close in my prayers and I hope this pain leaves you soon.

xxxooo

Emily
scrambledeggs

 
At 4:44 PM, Blogger getupgrrl said...

You will make it. You will be different when you get to the other side, but never doubt that you will make it.

Sending you love.

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger Toni said...

There's nothing that we say that makes it better...but sometimes knowing that others are around cheering us on make us wake up and take that first step every day. I'm thinking of you.

 
At 8:45 PM, Blogger chris said...

I wish I could say something more profound than "I'm sorry." I know where you're coming from, I really do. Take care of yourself.

 
At 9:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is their secret? How do they do it? How can I face each day when I sometimes can't face the night? How do I learn to breathe again?

I was going to say red wine, Halloween candy and a vile of crack... but seriously...

You already know the secret. You walk through it, there are no shortcuts, and you let people help you along the way. Eventually, you'll get to the other side of pain. It might still be there, but it no longer feels like flames are engulfed in your lungs. You can breathe without hurting.

Marla

 
At 2:35 PM, Blogger Pazel said...

The pain sounds very acute still and I'm sorry. I've never been in your shoes so I have no advice. Anything I can say would be simply guessing and have a pretty good chance of being something completely stupid. All I can do is send you some love. I'm sorry you had such a loss when you should have had joy. You were robbed.

p.s. The PG&E trucks have still not arrived so they are using borrowed trucks still. So, it could have been him. Last night he said he was as horny as hell, so I bet he would have really liked that BJ.

Smooches.

 
At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang in there. I know that's a cliche, but it's all we can do, eh? I'm thinking of you, and will keep checking in.
hug,
jen
vintage uterus

 
At 9:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know the pain well. Days have turned into weeks that have turned into months. I won't forget about my loss and I won't ignore my heart when I need to cry or talk about it. I can go weeks without a melt down and then a scent, an image, a certain outfit, a certain meal reminds me and it all comes rushing back. My way of dealing is accepting I may always feel this way. Certainly I wish it would all go away - the pain, the memory, the disappointment. But it truly is out of my control. All I can do is honor how I am feeling, feel the feeling and then let it pass in its own time. I wish, oh how I wish, that I could take your pain and suffering away. Know that you are not alone and that you are loved.

I know this is unsolicited, but I wanted to share the following organization with you - The National Share Office . Utilizing this resource has been very helpful for me.

Moogielou
Fractured Fairytale

 
At 5:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are no words. No words to express how sorry I am, how much I wish this hadn't happened, how much I wish you had never experienced this pain, this tragedy.

You will make it to the other side. Grrl was right...you'll come through it, stronger and changed. And your friends will be there along the way.

All my love.
Mandy

 
At 7:57 PM, Blogger Dee said...

God, how I love you women. I want to thank each of you for your caring, your words, your love (I could go on and on but you get 'it'). How you inspire and how you give me courage and strength. I can get through this and I will and, you're right, I'll be different when I get to the other side....

I'm feeling okay today and a little better each day; apparently all my AF-induced hormones reared their ugly head this month. I knew my first period after the loss would be hard but I guess I didn't know just how hard, it kind of snuck up on me. Thank you each for sharing your wisdom and experience with me. I couldn't think of a more wonderful group to have at my side than y'all. A million thank yous and

Much love to you....
Dee

 
At 8:21 PM, Blogger Soper said...

Sigh. The worst is when you realize that you penciled all the milestone dates in on your calendar and forgot to erase them until you see "DUE DATE" written with exclamation points and cute little baby doodles, staring at you in all capital letters. I'm thinking of you. And OMD loves you, too.

 

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