/ The RE's Muse: On the mend...let the countdown begin

The RE's Muse

After 4 years of infertility, 2 surgeries, 1 miscarriage, and 19 months of high risk pregnancies, hubby and I now have two little women in our lives--one a toddler, the other not far behind. Buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

On the mend...let the countdown begin

Okay, so the protesting cooter seems to have ended her days-old standoff and called off the armed guards. Just in time too as I don't know how much more I could have taken before giving in to her demands (strange, though, I don't know what those are/were).

I went for my progesterone bloodwork yesterday and got a blazing hot 7.2. Ha! Blazing, yeah right. The message left for me on the phone tree by the person who reported the test results said it indicated I had ovulated (which is shocking given that it was without meds) and that I could expect my period any day now. Hmmm, okay, so how does she know that? I mean, couldn't she even entertain the thought that maybe, just maybe--however remote the chance is--I could get pregnant on my own? Could she not have said in her message, 'So, if you don't get your period in the next 7 days, call us to schedule a beta?' Nope, I guess not...and maybe I'm expecting too much anyway. I don't even know whose voice it is on the message--and does she even know me or my history/chart anyway? Maybe it's better that she didn't say that anway. After all, that would just feed Hope and lord knows, she doesn't need much in the way to get her expectations flying high.

Miracle of miracles if I were able to get pg on my own. I can't help but hope; it helps me put the fear away when it comes to thinking what we'll do if/when the doc says that our next step is IVF. The physical and financial considerations of what IVF entails have me terrified on both fronts. And then I get terrified when I stop and wonder what we'll do if it works or if it doesn't work and we decide to adopt. I'm no fool, I know there are no guarantees in IVF but, usually, with time and patience, there are guarantees of a child with adoption. Do we opt for one over the other? How do we decide--especially when the financial side is such a huge aspect for us?

Am I ready for either? Say I did manage to get pg. It's not like I could give it back if I changed my mind. Or if we adopted...either way, my/our whole world would change; do I really want that? Am I ready for it? But then, I remind myself that I shouldn't think that way 'cause it could turn my mind against my body and it then won't work for sure, whichever option we go with. I've then gone full circle in my chain of thought...and still the worry is there--waiting, lurking, ever so patient. All I can do is soldier on and try not to think about the realities of what the next step may be regardless of what our outcome is...I tell myself that we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Easy to say, harder to do.

So, back to my test results from yesterday, I've left a message for the nurse to ask my doc if he thinks I'll need progesterone support going forward with my next cycle (injectables/IUI #3--but cycle #1 with this new doc since we moved out of previous doc's city). Can't wait to hear what they tell me since I think that some progesterone support is warranted but I'm no M.D.--however I'd like to think that I know more than my fair share about women's hormone levels and all that associated jazz. Alas, why can't my head be filled with happy oblivious thoughts instead of so much medical jargon and info? Oh, yeah, I know why....


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