The RE's Muse

Time for me to fly (aka post #297)

2008-11-12T15:23:00.008-05:00

I think the time has come to 'shut 'er down'--"her" being this here blawg.

This space was a much needed refuge for me when I was deep in the throes of infertility hell. It was back in early 2004 that I first came upon that founding mother, Grrl at Chez Miscarriage, during a G00gle search and discovered the world of infertility blogs. I 'met' some wonderful women here, all of whom knew firsthand the exact misery I was going through (you ladies all know who you are) and were able to help me keep my head up and keep moving forward. I hope I was able to help any and all of you at least half as much as you did me.

Now, over 4 years later, I'm chasing after two toddlers and trying to stay afloat as a partner, wife, best friend, daughter, etc. If anyone had told me back in 2000, when we first started trying to conceive, that this would one day by my life, I'd have called them a liar (but in a nice way). Today, eight years later, I have everything I ever wanted and then some...alas, but without enough hours in the day to enjoy it all.

I think it's time for me to go, to move on from this place. Sadly, blogging has taken a back seat to just about everything else in my life these days.

I'll still be around in the comments section, checking in on you. If anyone is interested in staying in touch, feel free to give me a shout at themesas @ gmail dot com. I'm also on Faceb00k so, if you're on there too and we're not yet Faceb00k friends, holla at your girl :-) and I'll give you the lowdown on my real name (which most of you probably know already) so you can find me/I can find you and we can keep the romance alive.

Wishing you each love and peace on your journey through this crazy world.

Thank you for sharing the ride with me along the way.

They thank you too...for helping their mom be a better person and mother.

It's pouring

2008-10-22T15:55:00.002-04:00

About 2 days into our South American sojourn, both girls were hacking like long-time pack-a-day smokers. Chalk it up to the smog and heavy pollution of the continent's 3rd-highest capital city. I'm sure the fact that we were staying with friends, whose home is at about 9,600 feet above sea level wasn't helping either.

As for me, I weathered a 1-day headache the day after we arrived as I 'adjusted' (and I use the term loosely) to the altitude. Knocked on wood for the slack the universe threw my way.

Back home, 8 days later, both girls were still hacking their lungs out. Friday found us at the ped with D. Dx, upper respiratory infection, 10-day course of antibiotics. She, being somewhat little and easily ~~swayed~~ restrained, is generally agreeable to taking the med.

Sunday finds J feverish and grouchy. Monday found her with a 103 to 104.4 degree fever. Again to the ped. Dx, sinus infection, 5-day course of antibiotics that she has been fighting taking...and I mean FIGHTING, hands, legs, feet, you name it, tooth and nail.

You haven't really hit a low in parenthood until your husband has forcefully held your child down, arms pinned under his legs, prying her mouth open so you can give her 1/2 teaspoon of a vile-tasting liquid that she insists on spitting back out at you.

Good times are being had by all.

Post #295...and I'm leaving on a jet plane

2008-10-03T15:03:00.004-04:00

Okay, make that "we're" leaving on a jet plane...tomorrow, actually.

That's right, the whole Dee clan is picking up and heading to points south, in South America that is, for a whole glorious 8 days.

4 days in the mountains (9,000 feet above sea-level, I shit you not), followed by 4 days on the beach. Hello sea-level old friend, we meet again.

I'm hoping that the altitude sickness I had last time we journeyed to this same locale (10! years ago--can't believe it's been that long) does not see fit to strike again. It was manageable last time; this time I'll have the demands of two toddlers to tend to...and, oh yeah, the mister too, so correction; make that three ~~toddlers~~ family members to tend to.

Hoping like hell we (meaning A and I) survive the 3-hour flight with the girls. Hell, hoping we survive the drive to Miami just to get to the airport. Speaking of which, bet you didn't know that Miami has won the "rudest drivers" distinction the last two years in a row?! Now you do :-)

Wish us luck, we may need it, despite the fact that we have armored ourselves with new toys, snacks, and a portable DVD player and DVDs. Let's hope it's enough.

Goals...I gots one

2008-09-17T14:02:00.005-04:00

Alas, it is not all princess dresses and Disney trips in the Dee house, but it is a good life most days :-)

So much so that in honor of an upcoming milestone in my life (4-0!) next Spring, I've committed myself to ~~struggling through~~ participating in this....Disn3y Princess Half Marathon.

Mind you, I'm not going to actually RUN in the marathon, hells no. With 38G breasts, running and I do not get along. I'm going to walk it--but hey, I do have to keep up a 16-minute mile pace in order to stay on the course and not get pulled from the race.

My training commenced on Sept. 8th, 6 months to the day the marathon takes place. I've got 6 months to prepare and get serious. This is the second week and I am feeling great. I've been walking three to four days a week, anywhere from 3.6 to 4 miles each outing (clocking around a 15-minute mile). I've also cut my sugars and carbs way back to, like, almost nothing, and have upped my protein exponentially. Down three pounds so far, more to come I imagine.

Losing weight is not my motivation in this endeavor. Getting healthy and fit is. Reality smacked me upside the head last week when I realized that, theoretically, my life could already be halfway over. Wow, just, wow.

I'm inspired, and happy, and looking forward to challenging myself. I'm going to be 40, me! (holy crap, how did that happen?!), and perhaps in the best shape of my life by the time it rolls around in March. I'm looking forward to seeing what I can do. I've set my mind to it, now I just need to make it happen.

Any big goals you've set for yourself recently? Or am I just crazy? ~~No wait, don't answer that.~~

Growing pains

2008-09-11T15:42:00.007-04:00

Tomorrow, Miss J leaves for her first trip without Mommy & Daddy.

First thing in the morning, she is heading to her aunt's house and joining them for a three-day jaunt to Disn3y W0rld. It will be her second trip to the park (we went for Xmas last year) but it is the first time she will ever be on a trip without us. Talk about a weird feeling.

Surprisingly, I'm not worried. As a matter of fact, I'm excited for her. I think she's going to have a great time. Besides, as many of us know firsthand, your kids are always better behaved for someone else.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that my 'first' baby is 3 years old (okay, she's 3 years and 3 months) and my 'baby' is 19 months old. Last week, the "baby" dressed up in the princess dress that J wore for Halloween last year...and it fit, perfectly. Witness the picture of both D and J (below right) taken just last week...versus the picture of J on the right, taken last year October. Wow. They really do grow up quickly, huh?

And now, she's going off for a weekend without us. Sigh. Next thing I know, I'll blink and she'll be leaving for college.

For now, though, this weekend, A and I will be parenting only one child. Whatever shall we do with ourselves?

Hear hear, eye eye

2008-08-26T15:15:00.005-04:00

J's surgery last Friday went off without a hitch. (Note to self: Find out if it's wrong to laugh heartily at your child, stoned off her gourd and talking nonsense, while under the influence of medication.) To say her hearing has improved would be an understatement; now let's just hope we've seen the last of the ear infections.

This past Sunday found me at the emergency room...for which child you ask? Neither. For moi.

I had been battling (what I thought was) a sinus headache for a few days. I saw the ENT at J's pre-op appointment last Thursday and he scoped my sinuses, declaring them clear and saw no indication of why I'd been getting the headaches.

Fast forward to this past Sunday and I woke up with what may well have been the worst pain I've ever experienced...this from a gal who's birthed two babies from her 'underneefy bits' (with epidurals and all, but still). The headache got so bad, I had to go to the ER. It physically hurt to move my eyes, I was nauseous, it felt like a steel band was squeezing around my head at eye-level. I was miserable.

So, the ER...talk about a clusterfuck. Apparently, the new MO at my local ER is that you get triaged, preliminarily treated, sent back to waiting, treated some more, sent back to waiting, maybe get assigned to an ER bay, and then ultimately be discharged or admitted. In my case, this meant that I got triaged and temporarily assigned a bed while they inserted an IV, then was told to go back out and sit in the waiting room (with the heplock in my arm) for the next person to come get me (for a CT scan) about a half-hour later. Got scanned, then was returned to the waiting room yet again before being called back about a half-hour later and assigned to a bed/bay in the actual ER. There went 7 hours of my life I can't get back.

Long story short...migraine. First one ever. Relief was not immediate; in fact, I still have some lingering 'eye' pain today that is slowly tapering off. I ~~hope/pray/cross my fingers/sacrifice small animals~~ imagine that it will finally leave sometime in the next day or so.

There is one interesting factor that coincided with this migraine. Back last week, A and I bought a new memory foam mattress topper in an effort to make our bed softer. We let it air out for a day and then put it on our bed last Monday (the 18th). I woke up the following morning with a slight headache of the sinus variety, or so I thought. That headache plagued me off and on all week long until I was finally convinced (on Sunday morning) that the link between the onset of the topper and my headache was too strong to be coincidental. The ER docs think it may be very possible as well.

I promptly pulled that bitch off the bed, had A roll it up and stuff it back in its box (no small feat since it came vacuum-packed), and I returned it to C0stc0 today. I couldn't get it out of the house fast enough.

Now, if only I can get rid of this slight lingering headache; it too cannot be gone fast enough.

Rain, rain go away

2008-08-21T13:13:00.003-04:00

It has been raining here since Monday evening. I'm talking deluge after deluge. The rain gauge in my yard maxes out at 8 inches--it has been full to the brim all week so no telling exactly how much rain has fallen here. It has to be at least a foot to a foot-and-a-half, if not more. The yard is like a small lake with at least 4-6 inches of standing water covering about a-third to a-half of the acre and a quarter we call home.

We need the rain, that much is for sure. Alas, the lack of blue sky can get a girl kinda down and that is where I'm at lately. Add to that the fact that I have had an incredibly painful sinus headache off-and-on (more on than off), along with a low-grade (99-100 degree) fever for the past 3 days, and I'm one unhappy camper.

J goes for her pre-op consultation this afternoon and I've managed to tag myself onto her appointment time so the ENT will check my sinuses after checking out the mini. Wouldn't you know it though, my sinus pain seems to be letting up today.

As of right now, she is scheduled for surgery tomorrow morning at 7 a.m. I've managed so far not to think about it very much, for--if I do--I'm liable to freak the fuck right out. Please keep her in your good thoughts. Even though it's a minor procedure (ear tube insertion and adenoid removal) in the grand scheme of things, she's still my baby, and I'm still worried.

Perhaps the sun will return tomorrow, to take the gloomy edge off....

It's official...

2008-08-13T23:58:00.003-04:00

My big girl is SO not a baby any more. Tonight, I saw that her last two remaining baby teeth (the second molars) have come in. Sigh. She's got a full set of choppers in that mouth, at least until they start falling out in a couple of years' time.

I think even she realizes the truth these days.... The other day, she turned to me and said, "Mommy, I'm not a baby any more."

I replied, "Yes, it's true you're not a baby any more, but you'll always be my baby no matter how big you get."

Her reply?

"Yes."

Truer words were never spoken.

Three words

2008-07-30T21:14:00.000-04:00

Code brown. Tub.

Requiem for my head

2008-07-23T15:46:00.009-04:00

By the time you're reading this, I may well be dead.

Okay, not really, but--at this point--I think death would be better than this summer cold/flu/plague I've got. It started with A, then decided I'd be a good host so it jumped ship last weekend. Along the way, it also decided to visit J, whose 102 degree fever broke yesterday afternoon, and D, whose 102 fever seems to have broken sometime overnight. It is a rockin' good time in our house right about now...just in time for our upcoming weekend in Chicago, sans kiddos.

We leave Friday evening, returning Monday, and my sinuses could not be more stuffed up if they tried. That should make for a lot of fun on the flight there and back. Oh well, small price to pay for a grown-up weekend, i.e., Jimmy Buff3tt concert, Cubb1es game, and the like. Let's just hope my head doesn't explode before then.

P.S. Speaking of stuffed heads, with all of the ear infections J has endured so far this year, and the persistent fluid in her middle ear/horrible tympanograms, we have been given the go'head by the ENT to have tubes put in her ears and her adenoids removed (they are significantly enlarged). My poor big girl. The surgery date is August 22nd. I'm trying not to think about it right now.

She's crafty

2008-07-16T21:58:00.007-04:00

Why yes, yes I am.

Back in college, I was almost an art major but decided I liked money too much to be a starving artist...so I was an English major instead. Haha. Yeah, obviously money wasn't my first priority. After graduation, I went to work in publishing, and the rest is history.

Alas, I was stagnating inside, no creative juices had been flowing for the past few years. Last year, my SIL sucked me into the world of scrapbooking and I've slowly been wetting my feet in its waters. I've since expanded into other avenues whenever I can, i.e., a little 'me' time, doing mosaics, decoupage...trying a little of this and a little of that. Boy, does it feel good to get my creativity fired up again.

Here are two projects (actually one) that I recently completed. I bet you can see my inspiration. What do you think?

The thing is, they are really so easy, anyone can do it. I actually have written instructions if anyone is interested. I love mine 'cause I'm a big ole' softie like that.

Times like these

2008-07-08T15:22:00.006-04:00

We live about 20 minutes or so from a lovely beach on the state's east coast. I bet you think that would make us regular beach-goers, yes? Well, as it happens, while we love the beach, it seems that something always comes up on weekends that prevents us from packing up the sand toys and zipping down to the shore.

So...where does the family that lives near the beach go for vacation? Why, they go to another beach, on the state's west coast!

Here are some delicious scenes from our semi-"staycation" last week. Sadly, they illustrate that I no longer have any babies in my house; now I've got toddlers, and who says they don't look alike?! Okay, granted their coloring is completely different, but I think they're definitely starting to resemble one another the bigger D gets; case in point:

Yes, this is my 17-month old girl still toting a (plastic, BPA-free) bottle! Not to worry, weaning to come...and soon, promise.

Thankfully, we kept that fair skin protected with lots and lots of sunblock, as D can attest :-)

Ah, my bathing beauties...how much richer my life is with you both in it.

I don't know why but, when I contemplate the divinity that is my life nowadays, I can't help but think of the F00 Fighters who said it best when they sang,

"it's times like these you learn to live again

it's times like these you give and give again

it's times like these you learn to love again

it's times like these time and time again"

Gasp...

2008-06-18T23:16:00.003-04:00

Look who turned three years old today:

Really people, where does the time go? Didn't I just bring her home from the hospital, like, yesterday?!

I couldn't make this up if I tried

2008-05-30T13:45:00.006-04:00

Last weekend, el husbando and I ~~abandoned the girls~~ left them in the competent care of their aunt and grandmother while we romped off for an adults-only weekend with friends in the panhandle of our lovely state.

While away, A did not shave his face so, when we returned home late Monday afternoon, he was sporting a good bit of scruff on his face. We arrived home with dinner for the family so they could eat before hitting the road back to their house.

When Juliana saw her daddy, she exclaimed, "Daddy--you have hair on your face!"

"I sure do," he replied.

Then she turned to me, stared hard at me for a few minutes, realizing that I did not have hair on my face so what could she say about me; and instead said, "Mommy--you have hair on your 'gina!"

Cue crickets in the room.

Hot fun

2008-05-28T14:05:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the radio silence. We just got back from a whirlwind four-day weekend in the Florida panhandle where, I'm convinced, everyone from Alabama, Georgia, and Louisiana were on vacation. Oh, and let's not forget Tennessee too. Thankfully, that meant most were heading home northbound, while we were one of very few heading southbound, making for lighter than usual traffic--as did the roughly $4 per gallon gas prices I'm sure.

Things here are cruising along into the dog days of summer in these parts. In the past two weeks, we had 9 days of 90+ degree temps. Factor in the humidity and well, it's been a little unbearable. And just think--summer doesn't officially start until a little more than three weeks from now.

With summer coming, J started taking private swimming lessons back in February. That kid was a water lover before and she's a fish now. Alas, in the midst of the lessons, however, she has come down with a series of ear infections. I'm talking back-to-back. Finish a course of antibiotics, get the all-clear at the doctor and then, bam, a week later, another ear infection.

Needless to say, her swimming lessons are temporarily on hold while we get her ears on the road to recovery, so to speak. Sadly, no more of this chlorine-y goodness for some time to come:

With three or four ear infections so far this year (I've lost count honestly), fluid has remained in her middle ear, leading to some conductive hearing loss (the good news being that it's reversible once the fluid is gone). I'd noticed she had been having some trouble hearing and her preschool teacher mentioned it as well. A visit to the ped last week resulted in a spectacularly failed tympanogram, so we go back for a follow-up next week, after another 10-day course of antibiotics.

At this point, I'm tempted to just ask the ped to forego any more antibiotics and go with PE tubes. We've got some good friends who had them put in for both of their kids and their ear infections stopped completely and haven't come back since--despite the fact that the tubes have since fallen out of both kids' ears. It is a procedure that takes only a few minutes and needs no IV, etc., just a few whiffs of gas and voila! done! Anyone with any experience with PE tubes in your child's ears--good? bad? indifferent?

Calling all travelers, help

2008-05-07T16:32:00.009-04:00

For those of you who've traveled internationally, i.e., from the U.S. to a foreign destination, with small children, here is a question I'm hoping you can help me out with:

What did you do about car seats at your destination?

We are journeying down to see family in South America this October (it's been 9 years since A and I last traveled there--thanks to civil strife and general danger--hey, can you guess which country we're traveling to?!), and we are wondering if we should bring our car seats for the girls.

We have purchased each girl their own seat on the plane and they're each large enough to sit in them without a car seat. Alas, we're not exactly sure about bringing the car seats for in-country driving after our arrival. Add to that the fact that the country we're going to may not have any companies that provide rental car seats should we opt to go with a rental car--hell, it's been hard even finding a rental car company, so we may just go with taxis for local transportation and...we've come full circle on the car seat issue.

Add to the mix the fact that the country we'll be in may not have the most rigid safety laws regarding things like seat belts and whatnot for either adults or children...(did you know that, yes, it is indeed physically possible to load a family of four or five on a moped or scooter? witnessed personally by yours truly--on numerous occasions at our South American destination).

We've always taken our car seats when we've traveled domestically by plane and rental car upon arrival, but this is our first international trip with las ninas. We're still trying to figure out the logistics and I am stumped, can you tell?

We've got a full travel roster this year so I'm planning planning planning early. Outside of this trip, we've got: A and I (sans kiddos) taking a 4-day weekend to see friends in Pensacola later this month--whoohoo, let's hear it for a 10-hour car drive (good thing we really love these friends!), followed by 5 days in Sanibel with the girls in June, a 3-day weekend in Chicago in July (Buffett! Cubbies!), our annual 4-day adults-only trip to Key West in August, then 8 days of family fun in South America in October, and ending with a 4-day jaunt to the world of D!sney in December. I can't wait for our vacation 'season' to kick off. Mommy needs a break...as I'm sure you all do too :-)

Advice on the international travel car seat question will be greatly appreciated, as will any general snarkiness or 'geez, Dee, get a grip...it's five months away'-type responses. Why yes, I am anal, thanks for noticing.

The view...

2008-05-06T15:38:00.005-04:00

is just one of the many reasons why I love where I live. All of this, a mere 20 minutes from my door. Yes, it really is this color IRL.

This picture was taken less than an hour ago. Today is one of those perfectly beautiful blue sky days. We get a lot of those around these parts :-) Alas, the water is not always this calm. Being on the Atlantic side, the waves pick up when it's windy...and, as you can tell, today is not windy in the least. It is hot, muggy, still-aired...and summer doesn't even officially begin until next month! Looks like the dog days are already upon those of us not too far from the Tropic of Cancer. Summer is my absolute favorite season, as if you couldn't tell.

Dropping like flies

2008-05-01T14:49:00.007-04:00

This week both kiddos are ailing. J has a ripping ear infection and D was diagnosed with a sinus infection this past Monday. Today was her 15-month well check appointment and that brought a new diagnosis: ear infection. Other than that, however, she was declared well within the normal range with height, weight, and head circumference all coming in around the 50th percentile. She's got a four-word vocabulary presently (mama, dada, baba, and doggie--essentially, all of the vital things in her current world) and a mouthful of teeth, way more than J ever did at this age, with her 12th tooth currently coming in.

My weight is also dropping...hooray! I'm now down almost 18 pounds in a month. I feel so much better and, big newsflash, I self-weaned off the P'zac. Figured I was feeling like myself again (have been for some time now) and that if I started to feel 'dark' again, I'd end my little experiment and start popping that little pill again. So far so good though. I've had a little more irritation with things the kids do (and the things that A doesn't do) here and there but I think that's pretty normal as a parent.

Let's see...other big news? The main water supply pipe to our house cracked last week, flooding part of the garage and the floor to J's room which butts up to the garage. Fast forward: a huge plumbing repair bill along with a couple hundred extra dollars to replace drywall and the pergo floor in J's room. A nightmare that is still ongoing. The flooring was a special order so it won't be here until next week. J, in the meantime, is camping out in our spare bedroom/office on her princess blow up bed.

In happier news, last week I paid a small fortune (and three hours of my life) to have my hair permanently straightened via thermal reconditioning (aka Japanese hair straightening) and, OMG, I love it! For the first time in my previously curly-haired life, I absolutely love my hair!! It is like someone else's hair now resides on my head. It looks so polished and neat that, at times, I still can't believe it belongs to me.

Now I feel like I look nicely put together on daily basis. Haha, good thing the appearance is far better than the reality--because, really, we all know that behind the scenes, with small children in the household, there really is no such thing as 'put together.' It's all about hanging on by the cusps of your fingernails and making the best of every day, with many moments of love/fear/joy along the way.

Here is just one such moment recently (complete with shiny straight 'new' hair, mine not hers, LOL):

Yawn

2008-04-24T12:10:00.008-04:00

Things are so boring around my neck of the woods these days. Don't get me wrong, though, boring is good.

So, what's new you ask? Actually, there are several "new" things that I'm very happy about lately:

The lovely Toffee is pregnant with #2 from, ahem, good old fashioned lurving; who knew that still happened in this day and age?! (Sorry T, just had to share!).
Sweet Sarah has also found herself to be with child #2, also conceived the good old-fashioned way--and she has her first doctor visit today :-)
The wonderful Mean Mama had her meanbabyboy earlier this week. He came into this world at a little over 31 weeks along and is doing well. A-d-o-r-a-b-l-e.
The beautiful April should be welcoming Julian any day now. She had her membranes stripped the other day and is looking forward to his arrival!
And last, but in no way least, the beautiful and talented Shaken Mama welcomed gorgeous daughter #2 earlier this month. Go check out the lusciousness that is Baby V--aye, the head o'hair and general yummy-ness of that lass! Nom, nom Shaken Mama.

What else, hmmm, let's see. Ah, yes. I'm down 13 pounds since April 1st. My body seems to remember and like being without carbs and sugar :-) but there are still more pounds to come off, and definitely before our primo beach vacation in late June. Plus, well, you know, it's all about setting a healthier example for my shorties and loving myself/my appearance. If mama ain't happy....

Holding out

2008-04-15T15:34:00.004-04:00

Okay, internets, I'm coming clean. I've been holding out on you (and no, not with a surprise pregnancy announcement--I'm done 'birthin' babies' over here)...remember back when D had the febrile seizure/911/PICU pneumonia thing at the end of December? Yeah, back then. She was discharged on January 1st (happy new year!).

Remember how A and I were supposed to go to NYC in early January for a little adult R&R? I dropped the subject after that so that y'all wouldn't flame me for still going despite the recent drama at hand. So, two days after my wee one was discharged home, A and I were on a plane northward bound, sans kiddos.

Now before you go nominating me for mother of the year, let me just say that I spoke with D's attending physician upon learning she was going to be discharged and asked what his opinion was about the trip. He was all for us taking it, said that he didn't anticipate that she would have any more problems (if so, he said, they wouldn't have been discharging her)...and so, we went, leaving the girls in the very competent (and CPR/first aid-certified) care of my MIL for four glorious days.

The doctor was right, we needed that trip to regroup and reconnect, not to mention get our fill of delicious food (BG--Osso Buco was the best Italian meal I've had outside of those in Italy, and Orchard Corset? boobs up to proper position once again) and such.

Now, you may be asking yourselves why I'm bringing this up now. Well, here's the thing: on our last night in NY, we stopped for a few quick drinks at M!ckey M@ntle's on Central Park South before heading back to our hotel. When I went to use the restroom, the door slammed shut much harder than I intended and I attempted to stop it. And stop it I did...with my left middle finger. As in smushed, completely, in the door jamb. As in instantly black and blue fingernail. As in, now, almost three months later, that nail is finally falling off.

My final 'souvenir' of our NYC trip, gone.

Scaling back

2008-04-04T16:22:00.003-04:00

Back in the day, aka before kids, I took it upon myself to finally lose the excess weight that had been piling on since I graduated from college. So five years ago, aka two years into the TTC struggle, I went low-carb (and stepped up my exercise) on my-then RE's recommendation and shed 60 pounds in 10 months. I felt great. I was no longer tired, irritable, had more energy, yada yada yada.

Fast forward to now. 5 years and 2 kids later. Life gets in the way, demands on my time are all-consuming, exercise and low-carb have taken a back seat to convenience and speed. 50 of those pounds have since come back after two pregnancies and eating just about anything with no limits...eek. I've only myself to blame.

Anyhoo, as of April 1st, I have returned to my low-carb lifestyle, and on Monday, I'll start a new exercise regimen. So far, in four days' time, I have lost 5 pounds, most of it likely water weight...but still, it's a start and I'll take it.

I'm determined (and looking forward to three really kick ass vacations this year--in June, August, and October, all of which will require a bathing suit and/or skimpies--which for me is just about anything besides capris and a t-shirt). I've done it before, I hope I can do it again, under a new set of variables--kids, time constraints, what not.

Wish me luck. I think I'm gonna need it.

Gifts

2008-03-18T13:57:00.006-04:00

Tomorrow I turn another year older. Friends and family asked me for a birthday list so that they might come up with some gift ideas for me and I obliged...but really, could any gift top these two that I have already been given?

Here's looking at me...another year wiser (haha).

I'll Take PTSD for $100, Alex.

2008-03-02T23:56:00.005-05:00

Today I had a "breakdown" of sorts that was completely unexpected and unanticipated.

There we were, us three 'girls' in J's room. Me--putting away J's clean clothes from the laundry basket, and J and D playing on the floor about 5 feet from me.

Fast forward a few minutes, and they're about 8 feet from me, now out of my immediate line of sight, playing by the door to J's room, while I am standing in front of J's closet, hanging clothes.

A few seconds later, A is yelling at J to 'Stop it NOW!' and there is crying, lots and lots of big little girl crying.

Apparently, J got the idea in her head to shut the door to her room, however, there was one obstacle to accomplishing this goal (besides the removeable foam piece we have near the top of the door)--D's hand in the door jamb. There was poor D, standing by the door with her hand near the hinges being crushed across the palm.

A got J (so many letters to keep straight, huh?) to stop pushing the door within a few seconds, and D still had not cried. No sirree, she was still getting her initial air intake to rev up for the big screaming cry (you know the one where the baby is so upset that her mouth is wide open though no sound has yet to come out for she is still in the midst of sucking air in only to scream it out what feels like minutes later?) before all hell broke loose, from both girls. Poor D, hurt, and poor J, scared.

The door edge didn't break D's skin but it left quite a healthy indentation. I was somewhat mortified by its appearance, but was holding it together (though barely). Then...A asked me if I wanted to take her to the hospital. Instantly, I was transported back to the last go'round of hospital visit--to the 'did they do this to their child?' scenario--and I just broke down and bawled my eyes out, all while holding poor, crying D who wanted mama's comfort (thankfully, she stopped scream crying about 10 seconds after coming to me).

Never mind the fact that we could easily explain/confirm what happened to D and that it was a complete and utter accident at the hands of her big sister, I was a wreck at the thought of having to tell ER or urgent care docs what had transpired. All I could think was, "What if they think we did this to her?"

Yeah, so, think I've got some lingering issues from what we went through with DCF from December 27th to February 8th?

Methinks perhaps yes.

Oh, and as for D's injury, she was using her hand and fingers completely normally within seconds of the accident. Within a few minutes, we witnessed the indentation vanish completely before our very eyes. Manipulating the top of her hand, we felt no broken bones, nor did she wince or cry, etc., in any way to indicate pain. One immediate phone call to SIL in peds, and we knew what signs to look for to indicate anything broken--D had/has none of them. All that she has to show for her pain is a line of red irritated skin about two inches long and a quarter-inch wide on the top of her hand.

Jesus gay, I need a drink...and more pr0zac.

Scenes from a Sunday

2008-02-16T02:01:00.007-05:00

Ah, winter in south Florida...how I ♥ thee. Before the bugs and humidity of the summer set in, we actually have a few truly ~~enjoyable~~ bearable months.

Last weekend. Beach. Pool. Need I say more?

Huzzah

2008-02-09T00:09:00.000-05:00

Case . closed .

Weekend fun

2008-02-04T02:07:00.001-05:00

Really, I'm sure that no words are necessary for this picture but I'll run at the mouth regardless. Beautiful day, beautiful girl...life doesn't get much sweeter.

Oh, but wait, yes, yes it does. DCF called me the other day and are tentatively scheduled to come by our house for a peeksie either today or tomorrow. Apparently, as the case worker tells me, the child protection team is eager to close the case.

"Yeah, me too," is an understatement.

My last baby...

2008-02-01T09:06:00.001-05:00

isn't so much of a baby anymore. Happy first birthday lovey girl!

So close

2008-01-29T00:21:00.000-05:00

T-minus three days and counting until D turns one. Where did the year go? From this to this in only 365 days...

Wow.

On a lighter note....

2008-01-18T13:42:00.000-05:00

it's all about the cute around here.

No news is no news

2008-01-15T23:46:00.000-05:00

To keep you abreast of the goings-on in my neck o'the woods, last Thursday's visit to DCF with J was an unmitigated success. They were reassured by her very healthy and happy appearance and A and I left there feeling much more reassured than we have since this whole nightmare began a few weeks ago.

As far as I know, we're still under investigation, however, I believe there is only one remaining piece of that puzzle and that is a home visit by the case worker. When we saw her on Thursday, she said she'd be contacting me sometime in the coming weeks to set up a date/time...I took it to mean very good things when she told me that there is no urgency to scheduling the visit. A mere formality perhaps? Hopefully, once it's done, this debacle will be done as well. We'll see.

In the meantime, we go on about our normal lives, albeit with a lot more specialist visits for D lately. She's seen the opthalmologist, hematologist, and neurologist all in the past week. No one has any answers about the febrile seizure--it may have been just an isolated incident given how quickly her temp spiked due to the viral pneumonia and how high it went. She may never have another one; however, since she's had one, and given her history at birth, she's now at a slightly higher risk than normal kids for another febrile seizure going forward should she become feverish.

As you can imagine, I'm under doctor's orders to immediately dose her with both Motrin and Tylenol at the first sign of fever and call our ped. I have also been given a rectal Diastat kit to administer to D should she have any seizures whatsoever. It's essentially Valium administered through the backdoor for quickest absorption and an end to the seizure underway.

D is still slightly anemic and the hematologist expects her to remain on an iron supplement for another month or so. Apparently, when kids (I don't know about adults in this case) deal with a viral infection, it often drains their hemoglobin levels so anemia results. It takes up to a couple of months to rebound so D is essentially being a normal kid in this regard. No worries.

Other than that, the show must go on...D's first birthday is on February 1st with the big party on February 2nd, and it's full steam ahead. I can't believe it's been a whole year already! Where did it go? A and I have a friendly wager going as to whether or not she'll be walking by then. She's thisclose and actually took her first unassisted steps today.

Nothing like taking your time (J started walking at 10 1/2 months; D, not so much) but it does seem like taking time seems to be a theme around here lately, as in, this investigation sure is taking time to be completed...but that's alright, cross their t's, dot their i's, and before long, they'll close it, knowing with 100% certainty that we had nothing to do with D's injury. My heart says it was from one of the handful of "cruising" accidents that she's had the past few months.

Of course, you know what this means now right? I'm watching that girl like a hawk as she makes her way around. No rest for mama.

My tax dollars hard at work

2008-01-08T12:48:00.000-05:00

The fun has yet to end, friends.

Today I got a call from DCF telling me that, because of the unknown nature of D's head injury, they would like to see J in their office later this week for an evaluation. You know, check her over for bruises, contusions, and the like...'cause we're all about the child beating 'round these parts.

Sorry if my bitterness is coming through but this bullshit has gone on long enough. I feel dirty, like someone out there thinks we actually could have done this to D. Like A was saying to me earlier today, what sucks is that because our society is so judgmental, someone in the system probably thinks we did this. This is so offensive to me on so many levels, mostly personal ones.

Talk about a waste of time and taxpayers' dollars. There are tons of children in my county (and around the nation/world) who are being genuinely abused and they go unnoticed, uninvestigated, unknown. Here we are, with two children who are so NOT abused, but because of the unknown factor, we're made to feel like bad guys.

The good news is that, once they "evaluate" J, they'll see that she's fine, no marks, no abuse, nada. Just lots of love, kisses, and one happy 31-month old girl, to go with the happy almost-1-year old little sister they've already seen.

The other good news is that D had her opthalmology consult yesterday and the doctor pronounced her "clean as a whistle" meaning that she has no optical evidence of 'shaken baby syndrome.' Score one more tick for mom and dad in the NOT GUILTY category.

In the meantime, I sit and worry, with a bad taste for the system in my mouth--for the ridiculousnous of it all, for the unspoken blame, for the way we're being made to feel.

Jiggity jig

2008-01-01T22:01:00.000-05:00

First of all, thank you all sooo much for everything...for your kind words, your thoughts, your prayers, all of it.

The best news is that Daniela came home today; to say that we are thrilled is an understatement. The docs seem to think the febrile seizure was likely an isolated incident brought on by the viral pneumonia they diagnosed while she was in the hospital. Given her history, however, they have put her back on phenobarbital as a precaution since she may be predisposed to future febrile seizures going forward. She'll continue to be followed by her neurologist and we'll see what happens in time.

Secondarily, by having the seizure, Daniela sort of did us a favor because, by taking her to the hospital, we learned that she had a head injury--however, how she got it is a mystery to us. It's a subdural hematoma in the right temporal area and this is the small bleed that showed up on the MRI. It was NOT caused by the febrile seizure.

This is an injury typically seen in abused/shaken children, drunks, or traumatic injuries. While it can happen from a trip or fall, it doesn't typically happen that way. We're inclined, however, to think that that is how it may have happened, as she is currently cruising all around and has taken a few good falls in the past couple of months and has also been bowled over by J once or twice when she's run around the kitchen island and not seen D playing underfoot. Her head injury is estimated to be about a month old.

So, given the nature of the head injury--which she is suffering no ill effects from whatsoever--we are still under investigation by the department of children and families (DCF) as well as the county sheriff's office since the injury is often one of abuse. The DCF doctor, however, met with us over the weekend, interviewed us and he basically told us that we don't have anything to worry about, he does believe us when we say we did NOT inflict abuse of any sort...the sheriff's detective is also under the same perception from his talks with the doctor.

Long story short, it's been five days of nightmare, but the experience hopefully will grow smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror until one day it is but a distant memory. We've got follow up appointments with some specialists (hematology, opthalmology, neurology) in the coming weeks, and an inspection of our home by the DCF lady, but we're confident that the criminal investigation will soon be closed once the DCF doctor's final report is in.

Just so damned happy she's home and her old self again. And so very happy that you all are here to support us in times like these, where terror reigns supreme, where my self-confidence as a mother has been pushed to the very brink--given the fact that my baby had an injury and I didn't even realize it.

I beat myself up about that for a few days but the rational side of me realizes that she had no external signs or symptoms--no bruising, no lump, nothing that would indicate she had taken a significant hit to the head. It still hurt knowing that I somehow let her down by not protecting her...and if I find out this happened at the day care she attends three days a week, well, what can I say?

Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

P.S. Daniela was, understandably, miserable during the first two days in the PICU. Sure, she was cranky, and tired, and slept alot, but--HAHA--because the universe is funny like that, she cut two new teeth those first couple of days as well, making her even more miserable and cranky; you know, because it's not like she had anything else going on.

Words.

2007-12-29T00:07:00.000-05:00

Thursday. Daniela. Hospital. Fever. 102.9. Seizure. 911. 10 minutes. Paramedics. 104.6. ER. Work up. Possible pneumonia. Subdural hematoma. Transfer. PICU. Fever. 104.6. Antibiotics. Work up. Fever. 103. EEG. Labs. Infection. Waiting. Good nurse. Bad nurse. Waiting.

Subdural hematoma, subacute = approximately one month old injury. Fall? Daycare? MRI. Waiting. Possible small bleed in temporal lobe from seizure. Waiting. Subdural hematoma, nature unknown, location = possible child abuse. Parents? DCFS investigation. Police investigation. MRI--still waiting. Skeletal x-ray series. Waiting. Incomprehensible. Unthinkable. WTF?

Daniela. PICU. Infection. Injury. Insane.

Unfounded. Absurd. Simply unbelievable. Who could think such a thing?

Dante's ninth circle of...

Hell.

Reflections

2007-12-21T14:43:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been thinking about my family...or should I say, I've been thinking about the possibility of expanding my family and, well, I'm not too inclined.

At this point in time (10+ months) with Juliana, I suddenly had a bad case of 'baby lust' and thought we should begin trying for #2. Add to that the fact that I wasn't getting any younger (um, I'll be 39 in three months, yikes), and time was of the essence.

Fast forward to today, and D is 10.5 months old, but I definitely don't have that same feeling of baby lust that I had at this point in time with J. Perhaps it's because, with two now, I've realized just how precious my time is when it comes to dividing it between them. Or perhaps it's because I've realized just how hard raising children is and how hard we are on ourselves as moms to make sure that's we're doing it well (notice I didn't say "right" as I don't really think there is such a thing when it comes to raising kids). Or maybe it's because I'm ready for the next/fun part.

I seem to recall something Day might have said about now comes the fun part--something along the lines of now concentrating on raising a family, rather than growing a family.

So, in honor of these deep thoughts I've been having lately, I've begun to give away my baby stuff, giving toys and clothes to others who need them, others still growing their families. I've begun to give away my maternity clothes.

I've begun to let go of the past, the TTC mindset...and have embraced the 'raising part.'

It's lovely here. And I hope each of you still trying soon know this stage firsthand. I think you're gonna like it too.

A D!sney Christmas

2007-12-15T22:15:00.000-05:00

Just some more pics I wanted to share from our trip last week. In a strange way, I can't wait until we do it again, it was that much fun.

At the same time, my SIL, who's a regular Disney-goer and belongs to their vacation club, asked when she could bring J alone with her cousins (they typically go every few months) and I think we're close to permitting it. I figure next summer since I think 3 years old is a good age for the parks, plus SIL works in pediatrics and is a kick ass aunt in general so no doubt J will have a good time. And it's true--at least in our house--that kids always behave better for someone else.

But still, I'm looking forward to our next trip with the girls to the land of Mouse...though it will definitely be during the winter--lower temperatures/humidity and Mickey's very merry Xmas party--what more could a toddler (and her parents) ask for?

Oh wait, right, more princesses.

(Speaking of want--what's up with the Wii?! I want to get one for A for Christmas and have been scouring stores for that thing since early November and nada, bupkis, zip. At this rate, looks like it'll be a Valentine's present instead.) Anything you're having trouble finding for a loved one this holiday season?

A royal good time

2007-12-10T13:01:00.001-05:00

So much to see, so much to do. Mama's feet hurt from all the walking, and my face hurts from all of the smiling and laughing.

I think it's safe to say that J had a great time on her first trip to D!sney World, especially breakfast at Cinderella's R0yal Table. A and I hadn't been to DW in about 13 or 14 years and seeing it through J's eyes was a wonderful reintroduction to the park, as well as An!mal K!ngdom and MGM.

And now, after so much child-centric fun, A and I are taking a four-day "parents-only" trip to NYC in three weeks. Any of you northeastern readers have any particular restaurant, things to do, etc., recommendations for us? We're staying in Midtown at the Omni Berksh!re but are willing to get out and explore all areas :-)

Oh how I'm looking forward to some adult-sized fun.

(Thank you Bl0gger--for not spacing this entry, or the previous one, despite my numerous attempts to do so.--Sorry, dear reader, for the crowded text!)

Guess Why Tinkerbell is So Happy

2007-11-28T14:50:00.001-05:00

A) She's heard that neon green is coming back into fashion.

B) She's just found out that her dress tastes like green beans.

C) She knows that her mother is a sucker for a kid in a cute costume.

D) She's just learned that the Dee family is going to Dis.ney World!

If you guessed D, you're correct!

One week from today, the Dee family departs for the children's inaugural trip to the land of Mouse, a mere hour-and-a-half drive north of us.

What? You don't envy a five-day vacation with a 10-month old and a two-and-a-half year old to a place where larger-than-life characters will scare the utter bejebus out of small children? And we've booked a character breakfast just to make sure we get the complete scare factor experience (okay, so that's not really the reason for it but still...).

I keep vacillating between really looking forward to it and really dreading it. Not sure what the outcome will be but one thing's for sure, it's all . about . the . princesses (both mine and Disney's).

Another first, down

2007-11-11T23:42:00.000-05:00

Sure, there are lots of 'firsts' in a baby's life: first tooth, first steps, first solid food, and so on, but really--for A--today's first may have outshined them all.

Today, we took both D and J for their first ride on the boat...think they liked it?

Pack it up, pack it in...

2007-11-06T22:58:00.001-05:00

let me begin....

Today we got the go ahead to pack It up--"It" being D's apnea monitor.

Like most folks warned me, we have had a love/hate relationship with the monitor. It has been both a blessing and OMFGpulltheplugonthatdamnmachinebeforeithrowitoutthewindow.

D has not had a true apnic alarm on the monitor since back in June (and granted, some schools of thought say that ALL babies have apnic events for a few months after birth since their neurological systems are still learning how to regulate themselves).

Given five months alarm-free (well, you know, except for the FALSE ALARMS, aka 'loose connection' alarms that cause a brief heart attack between the time your ears hear them and your brain computes their tone to be non-emergent, but I digress...), along with the fact that D is on track developmentally, our ped made a call to the neurologist and together they agreed that she was doing so well, there was no need to continue on It.

I have to say, I couldn't make my call to the healthcare company to come pick it up fast enough. It will take a few days for them to come out and get it, but until then, the monitor is boxed up on the floor of D's room, done, ready to go.

And tonight, as I type this, she sleeps just like most other babies...without a monitor.

So lovely.

Here's to 'normal' in all its myriad forms.

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T13:02:00.000-04:00

Sleeping Beauty hopes you and yours have a wonderful time tonight, no matter where you are!

Fall in paradise

2007-10-22T16:07:00.000-04:00

Okay, so nowhere on earth is truly paradise, but I like to believe that where I currently live (and, not-so-coincidentally, grew up) is as close as I can get to shangri-la.

Alas, my paradise doesn't really have any distinct change of seasons...unless you want to count the annual migration of the northern 'snowbirds,' (i.e., part-time retirees who come down just for the winter months), as indication that Winter has arrived. They get here literally the weekend after Thanksgiving and stay until right after Easter (their departure is another indication, this one that Spring has sprung).

And while the official arrival of Winter is still two months away, meaning we've got two more months of being able to go out to eat dinner at a decent hour without waiting to be seated (which will not be the case once all of the snowbirds arrive), for me the arrival of Fall means lazy weekend days spent enjoying the beach, not frying alive on it as is the case during the Summer months.

So, can you guess how we spent yesterday afternoon? (And yes, after this Xmas card photo session, bathing suits were donned and much fun was had by all--particularly the littlest little, who learned that sand tastes good...well, to her it does.)

My (eye) bags are packed

2007-10-09T01:18:00.001-04:00

About those eye bags in the last picture...yeah, a few weeks back we transitioned J from her crib to a full-size big-girl bed (otherwise known as "what in the hell were we thinking?").

We held off as long as we thought possible--waiting until we caught her red-handed jumping out of her crib when she didn't want to take a nap. Imagine A's surprise when he opened her door to check on her and there she was, striding up to him. So, being the ~~suckers~~ doting parents that we are, we made a trip to a big-box kid's furniture store and $2K (I shit you not) later, there went our somewhat restful nights. (Okay, but in my defense at dropping so much $, we expect that this set should last her through the teen years; still, talk about sticker shock.)

Sweet tender mercy, what I would give for 7 to 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep. Between J getting up out of bed, or calling out to us, or walking into our room, and the little one waking up once a night for a bit of a nosh, I am plumb wore out.

Our (11th) anniversary is next month. We've come up with a wonderful way to celebrate--we're going to go out to dinner, just the two of us, and then stay the night at a local beachfront resort...all in the name of sleep. I can think of no better way to mark the occasion.

Decadence, I tell you, decadence.

Where does it go? aka happy 8 months baby!

2007-10-01T16:23:00.000-04:00

(Picture taken earlier today. Why, yes, I am tired, thanks for noticing.*)

Thank you for being a fighter. Thank you for gracing us. Thank you for so much...but, especially, thank you for that glorious smile, little girl.

Happy 3/4 year to you!

P.S. Those blue eyes you're looking into? No, not mine, obviously. Those came courtesy of my MIL; A, J, and I are all of the brown-eyed variety. D, not so much. Lovely, as is the rest of her.

P.S.S. * Post forthcoming about J's recent transition to a big-girl bed, to be known as "Why Mommy's (Eye) Bags Are Packed" or some other such fitting title.

Indulge a gal, will ya?

2007-09-19T21:54:00.000-04:00

So in a blatant borrow from Decaf, Please (http://decaf-please.blogspot.com/), this is something I thought was pretty neat. If you've got a minute to spare, please head on down to the bottom of this here blog page and 'sign' my guestbook.

Oh, and if you're also so inclined, pop on over to Decaf, Please and throw a little love and congrats Dawn's way--it seems that our dear gal recently saw two pink lines, after a non-medicated natural cycle!

Pink and Yellow

2007-09-13T22:48:00.000-04:00

While in Michigan, Sept. 1st.

Bloodied but not beaten

2007-09-06T14:30:00.000-04:00

So we survived our trip. Surprisingly, J was relatively good on both flights (actually, she slept most all of the return trip--however, said sleeping was done entirely on me despite the fact that we purchased her her own seat). There was only one small twenty-minute area on the flight to our destination that made me wish for a black hole to suck me out of the plane and magically transport me somewhere, anywhere, else but there. I think even she knew she'd had enough at that point as she turned to A and said, "Daddy, enough airplane."

D slept most of the way on the flight there and back, which is pretty much what we expected.

While we were away, the little lasses charmed our distant family members--many of whom had not seen J since she was D's age and who had not yet met D. She obliged them all with many smiles and laughing. Well played smart baby, well played.

Getting through security wasn't too painful. I went through with 5 filled bottles of formula each time and nary an eyelash was batted. They also had no issues with all of the little people liquid accoutrements we required (phenobarb--hurrah, we are now done with it for good!, infant's tylenol, infant's motrin, teething gel, toddler toothpaste, yada yada yada).

Alas, not all was golden on the trip. J basically took no naps whatsoever during our away time and was reluctant to go to bed at her usual time. There was a lovely "I want my Daddy" tantrum during the quiet wedding ceremony that saw me carry her flailing self off into the field away from the (outdoor) setting all while keeping an eye on D, happily chewing on her toys in the stroller back at our seat. Alas, Daddy was a groomsman so he could not indulge J just then--or for most of the evening for that matter. Good times.

D continued/s to wake up most nights, sometimes 2, 3, or even 4 times (on one rare occasion) a night. CIO was enforced last night. What can I say?

I'm tired, oh so tired. But that is to be expected of life with a toddler and a baby. I figure I'll get some sleep again one day...some day off in the distant future. Or perhaps I'll just get enough sleep when I die.

DT and Leaving on a Jet Plane

2007-08-26T16:53:00.000-04:00

So, remember that big four-day hospital scare back in June? The one where docs thought D might have had bacterial meningitis following her reaction to her 4-month vaccinations? The one that I never want to experience anything like again?

Yeah, that one. So our pediatrician had to go with the thought that it was a reaction to the pertussis vaccine, part of the DTaP shot. So she decided that, going forward, there would be no P in any of D's future DTaP shots.

True to her word, last week (at just over 6 1/2 months old), when D got her 6 month vaccinations, that shot was merely a DT. Which is kind of a bad thing, because pertussis (aka whooping cough) is back on the rise in this country but the doc wants to do what's best for D, and if that means not getting it, then so be it. I'm alright with that decision.

I'm happy to report that D had no reaction to any shots this time, just some minor sleep disturbances (that have yet, unfortunately, to resolve themselves). She weighed in at an impressive 18 lbs., and 26 inches long, with a lovely noggin circumference. All on track, between 75th and 90th percentiles.

This week, the four of us are going on vacation, one that involves a two-hour plane ride. Did you catch that? The four of us? Two of whom are a 26-month old, and an almost 7-month old? The last time we went on this same trip to see family, it was just 3 of us, and J was almost 7-months old--the exact (and I mean, to the week) same age that D is now. It wasn't too bad (after all, we had a ratio of two parents to one child) but nowadays, well, let's just say that J is fully embracing her terrible two's--along with her terrific two's. But it's hard to know on a minute-to-minute basis which one you're going to be graced with.

I've got tons of new small toys and a DVD player/movies (and child-sized headphones) purchased specifically for this occasion. They are all in hiding. She's never seen them and won't until we're on board. Thankfully, J is a big fan of airplanes ("Look Mommy--airplane high up in the sky!" just about every time she sees one). I'm hoping the novelty of actually being on a plane high up in the sky will go a long way as will all those new toys.

Alas, like they say, "what goes around, comes around." Therefore, for every dirty look I ever gave a parent with a baby coming on a plane I was on, I'm sure going to get it doubled back at me. For every time I rolled my eyes and made annoyed faces at a screaming baby or toddler in the row ahead of me, I'm going to get mine. And for every chant in my head of "please don't sit by me, please don't sit by me" I ever thought as an approaching mother or father and child/ren came my way on a plane, it's going to come back to bite me on the ass.

If there's such a thing as travel karma when you have kids, I'm fucked.

P.S. If any of you lovely gals have traveled with your small fry/fries recently, just how much liquid (specifically, formula) can I bring through security? I've heard that it can be more than the 3 oz. if you have babies/children but you have to let them know about it all. Any truth to that? Or am I just basically screwed any way I look at it? Plus, any other tips you can share to help make this trip as good as can be expected?

Weaning

2007-08-06T22:39:00.000-04:00

Ah, no, not weaning from the breast. Sorry--but that's not what I meant (especially since I did not bf this go'round--flame me if you must).

Daniela is officially being weaned from the phenobarbitol. Hooray! We are currently almost halfway through a 6-week reduction plan of her dosage. By Labor Day, she'll be done completely with the medication.

Happily I can report that we have not witnessed any seizures as her medication levels decline (side note: the last seizure she had was at about 5 days old or so if memory serves me right).

One more hurdle to come: getting rid of the apnea monitor. So far no idea when this will take place, no discussion has been had on the subject since her 4-month doctor visit. 6-month visit (more like six-and-a-half month visit) is later next week so we'll see what comes up then.

But in the meantime, I'm thrilled with the current state of progress...and the rolling over, and the babbling, and the generally just being okay (so far, knock on wood and everything else). I lurve okay.

Giving up the ghost

2007-08-01T00:54:00.000-04:00

Well, I did it. I went ahead and packed up (almost) all of my maternity clothes this evening and put them up for grabs via Freecycle. I had a response almost immediately and tomorrow the lucky recipient will pick them up. "Lucky" because, man, had I racked up a nice stash of clothes between 2005 and 2007! There are currently two giant bags (think baby shower gift bags, sized for large items) awaiting their new home.

I say "almost all" of them because there are a few things I kept--a handful of really comfy cotton t-shirts that are fitted so they manage to flatter the post-baby bod. I also kept one dress. It's just that I absolutely loved it--I wore it at my shower and to our 10th anniversary weekend dinner back last Fall. It has some lovely memories associated with it and I really loved the pattern, the color, everything about it. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll see if a seamstress can convert it into a non-maternity model.

This purging of the maternity wear means that I'm finally beginning to embrace the reality of life after infertility. I do believe my baby-making days are over and I'm cool with that. After all, I struck gold in the kid department: two little misses to run after, tend to, and smother with kisses.

Ah, such riches, ones I never in a million years expected to have.

This new place is kinda nice.

From sleeping beauty...

2007-07-27T14:09:00.000-04:00

...to bathing beauty in five short months. How fast time is going these days! This pic was taken during D's first trip to the beach a few weeks ago. The day was a little overcast but that was a good thing, seeing as how when the sun is out in full force here, it literally takes minutes to broil alive at our beaches. We brought the umbrella and had a lovely time...

with the exception of getting hit by a rogue wave while I had my back turned and was holding D. A was a few feet away, holding J, and we were talking while looking at the shore, backs to the small waves that had been rolling in regularly. All of the sudden, I see it at the last second and jump up somewhat to spare D the impact. I take the hit, come up a few seconds later, minus my sunglasses clip (a magnetic clip that came with/sits on my prescription eyeglasses) with D perfectly dry. I watched the roiling surf helplessly looking to see if my clip would float up even though it's not buoyant. I took a few steps and A told me to kiss it goodbye. Talk about putting a damper on my day, especially when it had been so lovely up until then.

I took a few more steps and my left foot steps on something on the bottom. Wait, it can't be. Yes, indeed, I plunge a hand down and come up with my sunglasses. Talk about the fates being on my side. And like that, the day was redeemed.

See, that's about the extent of exciting things to happen around these parts lately. Outside of someone starting solid foods last month (loves squash and carrots, while green beans make her very gassy--to the point of discomfort gassy), and sitting up on her own like a champ. Every day my heart soars more and more with love and pride for my girls, just when I think it can't get any fuller.

This time is precious...and fleeting.

In the words of Billy Joel, these are the days to remember because they will not last forever.

Enter the princess

2007-07-11T16:22:00.000-04:00

For the past few weeks, J has been dramatically throwing her pink satin-backed blankie over her shoulders, satin-side out, wrapping it closely around herself and saying "Look mommy, I a princess!"

Since she asked to go poop on the potty yesterday all by herself (not once but twice--yippee!), I gave her a little present afterwards: this princess tiara and earring set.

Think she liked them?

Swamped...

2007-07-06T22:36:00.000-04:00

...both literally and figuratively. It has rained (and by that I mean, rock the rafters thunder and lightning) every day for the last week. A good portion of our yard is under 3 - 4 inches or so of water.

I also find myself swamped with managing the household tasks, working from home, and taking care of the little ones. Luckily, J is in "school" full-time but D is home with me for at least the next 7 months or so. As she gets older, she wants and (for now) needs more and more of my time, which means that my work and personal life are suffering. In turn, that then leaves me little time for ~~wiping my own ass~~ blogging so radio silence abounds.

Know that I'm here, checking up on y'all, but unable to comment very often :-( thanks to the late nights spent trying to work after the girls each go to bed.

And since you don't come here to listen to me bitch, time for a girls!girls!girls! update. D started rolling over tummy to back this past week. Whew--another milestone reached on target. I worry because if any lingering trouble(s) from her early stroke/seizures are going to happen, it/they will show up in developmental delays between 3 and 9 months (or so I'm told). So far, nothing; knock on wood it continues that way. Personally, I'll feel much more relaxed about it come 12 months or so but, until then, the A-Ds help tremendously.

Miss J, on the other hand, has recently started talking about boobs and 'ginas (seems she recently discovered hers while in the tub one night)--as in, "Mommy's boobs!" (said while sitting on my lap and looking down my shirt), followed by her picking up two small plastic balls, holding them to her chest and saying "Juliana's boobs!" followed by her maniacal laughter. Bath- and/or shower-time finds her making happy exclamations of "Juliana wash 'gina!" or "Juliana wash hiney!" So proud of herself and rightfully so...

after all, "a clean butt is a happy butt."

And with that pearl of wisdom, I'll sign off for the evening.

Two fast

2007-06-18T09:59:00.000-04:00

Today my big girl turns two. Where did these past two years go? How is it that time, which once stretched on eternally during summer break as a kid, now flies by with such abandon?

Her party was this past Saturday and I'd say the bounce house/waterslide combo was a hit, at least in her opinion, and mine too. It was a lovely sunny day and the rain predicted by the local weathermen never made an appearance. In short, it was beautiful, all of it...

but not quite as beautiful as my two-year old "big" girl in all her glory. Boy, do I love that kid...me, the girl who once swore up and down she didn't want children EVER. Clearly I was out of my mind at the time I made that statement. Years later, I'm still out of my mind but now it's with love.

Telegraphed terror

2007-06-10T23:23:00.000-04:00

Tuesday night rushed to ped ER with D, she has high fever, heartrate over 230 bpm, stop.

Blood taken, white cell count through roof, xrays of lungs & CT scan of brain done--negative, spinal tap done, stop.

Results come back "possible" positive (WTF?) for bacteria, stop. Docs think she has bacterial meningitis, stop.

Admitted to pediatric hospital from ER Wednesday, stop. IV antibiotics started while cerebral spinal fluid grows culture in lab for three days, stop.

No meningitis after 72 hours of culture growth, discharged home Saturday night, stop.

2007 can suck my ass, stop.

No seriously, how much more can be thrown at us this year? stop.

Laughing, insanely, stop.

Apparently, some dirty fucker in the hospital lab needs to wash their hands better before handling children's cerebral spinal fluid, thereby contaminating the sample with their staph, necessitating docs to think D is very sick, stop.

Dirty-handed dumb fuck, stop.

Chunk it up

2007-06-05T21:27:00.000-04:00

Today's four month stats:

14 lbs., 11 oz.
24 1/2" long

To say she's chubberific would be an understatement but still falling nicely in the 75th percentile for weight, 50th for height.

She got four shots/one oral vaccine and she's being a real bear tonight. Looks like her 11-hour nighttime sleeping (yes, I know how lucky I am--have been since 7 weeks old!) may be on hiatus for a few days--let's hope not, but at this rate, it's not looking good for me. Knock on wood, mama needs some beauty sleep; life with two under two kicks my ass most days.

Scenes from a Sunday

2007-05-31T16:46:00.000-04:00

So, can you guess what we did this past Sunday? If you said baptized the littlest one, you'd be correct. It was a beautiful day overall and these two--oh, I could just eat them both with a spoon.

Sorry things have been so quiet here. There was the funny story last week about the septic system that backed up into all of the showers/tubs in our house...oh wait, not so funny. Yeah, it's been that kind of week around these parts.

Back with more soon, promise.

The girls made it unscathed

2007-05-18T21:59:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the radio silence. Seems our phone lines crapped out (no phone, no fax, no internet!) and the big national phone co. had to come out to take a look-see. Turns out that our house was the only one affected--until the technician opened up the network box and everything in it basically turned to dust--effectively taking all of our neighbors phones out of commission too. Oopsies...and it ended up taking the phone company a few days to rebuild and sort it all out.

So--today was the big mammogram day and everything came out just fine. No lumps, no bumps, no nothing, just a rack that survived the smashing. And you know what? It actually wasn't bad at all. Yes, there was some discomfort but that was the extent of it. Nowhere near as bad as I had made it out in my mind to be. Of course, then again, these are 38G boobs so there was a lot of tissue to smush so it couldn't really get too 'flat,' if you know what I mean.

Turning our attention back to the real girls in my life (as opposed to "the girls" on my chest), they are thriving. J's vocabulary is exploding--every day brings a multitude of new words, sentences, mimics, and more. She's also a first-rate comedienne as well as a screaming toddler fully embracing her terrible twos. But man, this is truly a fun age.

As for D, she continues to be HUGE! For real. Earlier this week, she was at 14 lbs. even and this was at 15 weeks old. J didn't even come close to that weight until she was over 5 months old. We saw some friends this weekend and their 1-year old daughter weighs 18 lbs.--so you can imagine the size of my chunky monkey in comparison. I want to eat D's cheeks with a spoon, they're just that delicious.

The biggest news of all around these parts the past week was the fact that I got a pretty kick ass Mother's Day gift--D shared her first laugh with me early on Mother's Day morning. Talk about an amazing way to start the day, and a memory that will live on forever in my heart. A sweet sound, a sweet day combined with two sweet girls, one sweet husband, (oh yeah, and now a pair of sweet lump-free boobs)....

Life doesn't get much better than that around these parts, nor do I want it to (that's not to say it's all wine and roses around these parts as we have our share of bad here and there but the good...it's just so good). And yes, this English major can be so profound with the words, no?

My lovely lady hump/lump

2007-05-07T15:54:00.000-04:00

During a lovely lengthy shower last week, I had the distinct displeasure of finding a pea-sized hard-ish lump in my right "under"boob while soaping the girls up. Today I sawDr. Hot at my ob/gyn office and left the office with two scripts--one for a breast u/s, the other for a mammogram. I tried to read his face as he was feeling me up but he had his poker face on, damn him.

Am I scared, yes? Thinking about it, not so much. If I spent all of my time worrying about what this might be, I might never leave the house, preferring to spend my time anxious and self-diagnosing. With that in mind, there will be no Dr. Google in my future. Instead, I will simply expect this to be a minor blip on my radar until I am told otherwise when the results are read by a trained physician.

For now, I'll go with a clogged pore/sebaceous cyst type of thingy (I had one removed last year that was about four inches below my breast and this one appears to perhaps have a small clogged pore in it that will not produce anything but discomfort if I try to squeeze it--yes, I'm a freak).

U/s and requisite boob smashing scheduled for May 18th.

2007 sure is off to a kinda crap start, huh? On the positive side, we've met our out-of-pocket deductible for our health insurance (was there ever any doubt?) for the year: $3,000. Now all forthcoming claims will be paid at 100%. Thank you NICU.

Laissez les bon temps rouler.

Chompers

2007-05-02T15:00:00.000-04:00

This morning, J had her first ever dental visit. Yeah, the screaming and what not? That was a lot of fun. The hygenist told me she had been working with kids for 17 years. Of course I had to ask if she preferred the yelling, kicking, thrashing, etc., of the wee people to working with adults and she replied, "Any day." Masochist.

So, do you think it's a bad sign when your kid's dentist advises you to start saving now for the orthodontic fund?

J's teeth are pretty malpositioned and crowded, esp the bottom. There's a chance her permanent teeth may not come in as badly as the baby teeth have but we'll have to wait and see.

Both A and I had braces (me as an adult, he as a teen) so we both have no doubt that J and D will more than likely need them one day as well. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

As for D, she saw the dr the other day for a lovely case of goopy eye. At 3 months old, she's up to 13 lbs., 2 oz. and firmly in the 75th percentile weight-wise. Thankfully, she's been at that ranking all along or else I'd be worried that my kid was giant...because, really, the rolls, they're everywhere. You've got to push a couple of extra ones out of the way ~~if you get what I mean~~ when it's time to wipe the bits clean.

Apparently, I gave birth to a miniature female version of the Staypuft Marshmallow Man.

But cuter, and with more rolls...though just as white.

You'd never guess we live in the Sunshine State by looking at her. Feh, like I'm one to talk.

She gets the last laugh

2007-04-26T15:36:00.000-04:00

So, um, about that ~~vagina that hates me~~ yeast infection? It's taking not a one day course of D!flucan to kill it, oh no no, it's taking a seven day course.

But the best part of all? I got my period (yes, again!) yesterday.

Hahaha, silly vagina. I will win. Oh yes, I will.

My vagina hates me

2007-04-18T23:50:00.000-04:00

Yes, you read that right and what proof, you ask, do I have that it hates me?

Well, dear reader...

First there was the postpartum bleeding, you know that turned into several episodes of postpartum hemorrhaging with a fun late night side trip to the ER. Five weeks of postpartum bleeding--okay, I'll give you that...it's not out of line to bleed for five weeks after passing a watermelon out of your vagina.

But then, to add insult to injury...five weeks to the day I delivered, I got my first postpartum period...and bled for three (!) more weeks.

So that makes eight weeks of bleeding.

But wait, there's more.

Following the eight weeks of bleeding, I got what may have been the worst yeast infection ever. If I could have scratched off all of my labial skin, I would have. One coochie cream insert later and things get back to normal...or so I think.

A week later...hello, postpartum period #2. Five days of fun...though never more than spotting and sludge. Not normal.

Fast forward 10 or so days...woke up with very sore throat a few days ago. Go to ENT yesterday, he diagnoses strep. Start 7 day course of antibiotics...today is day #2 on them and already my vagina has started the insane itching. Hello, yeast infection #2.

Between the bleeding and the itching, I think my vagina has given it's two-week notice.

And with that thought in mind, above you'll find a photo of the two best things my vagina has sent into the world...big and lil' sis... (and my vagina would like you to know that 11-week old lil' sis currently weighs half as much as her 22 month-old big sis does (!): 12 lbs., 13 oz. vs. 26 lbs.)

Glad that's over

2007-04-13T23:58:00.000-04:00

Yes, I did in fact make it through A's absence this week. And I'm happy to report that both nights had minimal scream time (10 minutes or so) from J. I didn't do anything different than usual--though you all had such great suggestions! Sadly, we've tried all of them before and nothing has helped. Oh, well, I guess this too shall pass. Ahhh, I love the terrible twos (even if we did enter them a little ahead of schedule).

D threw a small wrench into the plan Wednesday night by staying up later than usual (1 a.m.) and then passing out blissfully after five (!) lovely spurts of projectile vomiting. It seems that our big girl gorged herself over the course of the evening (I just figured she was hungrier than usual courtesy of a growth spurt or just because). She did the same thing last night but then returned to her regularly scheduled programming tonight (down at 10:30, will sleep until at least 5:30 a.m., if not later). I don't know what I did to get so lucky in the sleep dept. with this one but I'll gladly take it. 10 weeks old yesterday. Holy crap...chunkles is growing up (my new nickname for her majesty).

This roly poly baby is a new concept for me. J was born on the small side (5 lbs., 13 oz. and came home at 5#7) and pretty much stayed that way all along. She never fit into clothes sized for her age, they were all too big. She didn't fit into 12 month clothes until closer to 15 or so months and still sizes small in most clothing. Yeah, D...not so much. Sister is already fitting into the 3 month clothes and outgrowing some labeled 0-3 months.

The little rolls on her arms and legs are dee-lish as is her tiny little double chin. Alas, the neck roll not so dee-lish. It tends to get 'cheesy' and stinky given all the spitting up.

Wow. It still blows my mind to think that I'm somebody's mom. Heck, I'm two somebodies' mom. But you know what? I'm finding that the 'stories' I've heard are true: it is possible to love two children, one as much as the other. I remember wondering while pregnant how could I love the second child as much as I love the first (in fact, I remember asking it here). "You just do" was the most common response I got to that question.

Now I know just how true that is.

Oh, the screaming...a call for help

2007-04-09T12:26:00.000-04:00

No, not mine.

Bedtime for J has become a ritual in patience. From 12 weeks on, she's been a champion sleeper--going down easily and staying that way.

For the past month or so, more times than not, she will put up a fight when we tell her it's time for bed. Ultimately, though, we prevail and down she goes. Until lately that is.

Now when we put her into her crib, she screams...and screams...and then screams some more. In the case of crying, flame me if you will but we've always done CIO and that method usually finds her petering out within 10 minutes max. But with the screaming, oh no, it goes on and on and on. This now means that either A or I will have to go into her room and sleep on the floor next to her crib to get her to stop screaming and ultimately go to sleep. During the frantic ear-piercing screams, she scrabbles and scrabbles up the posts of the crib, trying to climb out (luckily, so far no success). It is not pretty.

Here's the worrisome part. This Wednesday, A is going out of town for business for two days and two nights. There is only one of me, and two small children, one of whom I have no doubt is going to scream bloody murder when it's bed time. One whose screaming typically wakes up the littler one, who then needs to be soothed back to sleep, or occasionally, fed. Trouble is, one of me, two hands/arms, two children who may need me at the same time. Normally I can manage this (it's not pretty but I get it done). But for two nights? People, it may get ugly. I may not get any sleep. I may be a wreck.

I am dreading Wednesday and Thursday nights. Dreading with a capital "D."

Any hints on how to deal with the screaming? How to alleviate it going forward? And yes, on particularly bad nights, we've tried putting her in our bed, but once there, she wants to play, or rifle through our bookcase, or just generally be anywhere but in the bed.

I am at my wit's end with this and have no idea how to handle it. It's only getting worse recently. I know she's exploding developmentally and also dealing with D's arrival and that either or both can cause sleep disturbances, but this goes way beyond that. This is not a sleep disturbance. This is all-out screaming with everything she's got. At times it's scary and always it is heartbreaking.

Hints? Tips? Valium (for me, not her--just kidding)?

It's all about the chub

2007-04-04T22:29:00.000-04:00

Little miss D had her two-month check up the other day. Girly is weighing in at an impressive 11 lbs., 2 oz., putting her firmly in the 75th percentile for weight. She's 22 inches long, which is in the 50th percentile.

I looked at J's baby book and saw that she didn't hit the 11 lbs. mark until sometime between three and four months old. Looks like her little sister's got some weight on her.

The ped pronounced her lovely, with some residual left arm weakness (that she's currently receiving physical therapy for), and a "big girl."

She's chubbier than J ever was, with rolls and munchable pudge all over--and the cheeks, well, you saw those for yourself :-)

After getting her shots at the ped, I knew we were in for a rough night and I was right. She has not slept through the night since (and she had been doing it for two! straight! weeks! prior) but is now doing about 6 hours or so at night. I'm hoping she gets the memo about the Dee family liking to get its sleep on and resumes her previous schedule sometime soon. Until then, I'll be the harried mom walking around with the dark circles under her eyes...oh wait, did I perhaps just describe most moms?

Zzzzzz

2007-03-28T14:52:00.000-04:00

Things here have been so alarmingly normal that I haven't felt like boring y'all with the mundane details of it.

I'm actually (gasp!) enjoying these early weeks and savoring every day. It helps that a certain chunky little person has started doing two very important-to-me things: 1) she started sleeping through the night last week, doing anywhere from 6 to 9 hours at a stretch and 2) she started giving me real honest-to-goodness smiles as evidenced by the attached photo.

Those two things have gone a long way toward helping me feel really good, along with the A-Ds, of course--and the fact that I've lost 27 lbs. of pregnancy weight with 13 more to go to get to pre-baby weight. Early on, I called it the "NICU diet;" nowadays I just call it "slow going." No hurry...I try to follow the adage of 9 months to put it on, 9 months to take it off (and then don't beat myself up too much if I still don't have it all off by 9 months). At least that was how I approached it after J was born.

Tomorrow D will be 8 weeks old and I find myself wondering where the time is going.

And yes, I'm even boring myself with this post.

A gratuitous thank you

2007-03-20T21:10:00.000-04:00

Thanks for all of your warm birthday wishes--they helped make my mom's day yesterday!

And while I gave her a break on the sleeping Sunday night, I made her pay for it last night :-) Luckily, I can get away with it because I'm so cute.

They say it's your birthday

2007-03-19T14:10:00.000-04:00

38 years old today...gah.

To celebrate, the world's gassiest baby gave me a break. She slept from 10:30 last night until 4 a.m. when she ate quickly and promptly went back to sleep at 5. She then slept in until 9 a.m. so I got another nice chunk of sleep. Bliss (though, as my SIL said, it's kind of sad when you're excited about 4 hours of sleep).

The celebration continued when she - OMG - slept in the car (she hates the car with a white hot burning passion--virtually assuring that I am, on most days, a prisoner in my own home) on the way to the bank and to the giant reviled retail store for diapers and some various other sundries.

Now she sleeps again while I pack away J's too-small clothes, do the laundry, and catch up on my blogs. So far, one person has wished me a happy birthday. It seems as though the rest of them may have forgotten me (mind you, I didn't even remember it was my birthday until about 10:30 this morning). Man, this birthday rocks...

...maybe not so much.

Happier days

2007-03-12T17:16:00.000-04:00

Things are improving here in the Dee house, perhaps thanks to time, which keeps marching on, or perhaps due to meds, which I keep ingesting. 4 days on the juice and already I'm feeling much better (perhaps owing to the fact that since I've been on this particular med before, it starts working quicker than the 'up to 28 days' advised--or perhaps because of the placebo effect that I think it's working; whatever, I'll take it).

The reality is that I have not cried at all yesterday or today. Surely that is progress, yes? How could I anyway when there is such delicious happiness as this going on in my house?

. (guess who showed up?)

2007-03-09T15:14:00.000-05:00

Today was my postpartum OB appointment and the irony of it all is that yesterday, 5 weeks to the day that Daniela was born, I got my period. Haha...oh, life, you're so funny.

All bleeding aside, the visit was pretty low-key; low-key, that is, if you consider breaking down in front of the nurse taking your vitals low-key.

The appointment started with a bang after I signed in at the desk and was called up shortly thereafter. Hmm...apparently, they did not have any appointment scheduled for me today. This of course caused me to have a mini-breakdown on the spot, tearfully telling the receptionist that I simply had to be seen today. I could have kissed her when she told me she could get me in with one of the other OBs (i.e., not my regular guy). I didn't care as I'd seen this other OB before and she was somewhat familiar with my care/story/etc.

I'm sure the nurse gave her the heads up after she took my vitals because the OB walked in and was immediately concerned, asking me how I was feeling, was I having any thoughts of hurting myself (no), and so on. She had heard a little bit about what had happened to Daniela and inquired as to how she was doing. She took some time with me, asking the right questions and just listening.

It was hard letting it out there but I did it. She gave me a two-week script for pr0zac, saying that she wants me to call her in two weeks time to let her know if I'm feeling any better and, if so, she'll call in the refill then. I couldn't get that script filled fast enough. Let's hope it starts working fairly soon, shall we?

Oh, and to top off the shit sandwich that was my day, when I turned on my car to leave the OB's office, a message popped up on my dash message center--tire pressure very low. So, um, yeah, turns out there's a screw in one of my tires--one of the four brand-new tires I bought at the dealer less than two weeks ago. Looks like I'll have to drive my happy ass back over there to get it plugged.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to head out to take the littlest monkey to the pediatrician. She may have reflux or some other such eating/swallowing/wtf? malady that makes her a screaming inconsolable banshee several times a day.

Yep, never let it be said that I can't roll with the punches, eh?

The.rapist

2007-03-04T23:25:00.000-05:00

Why, yes, really, I'm fine, thanks.

Okay, so maybe not so much. Yesterday saw me undertake my initial "getting to know you" appointment with a therapist (henceforth known as "the rapist"--it's how I've long referred to therapists since A) I'm a geek, and; B) the moniker is sometimes accurate given how you feel after leaving a particularly productive appointment).

Nice rapist lady did agree that I've been through/am going through a lot recently. Can I tell you how good it felt to get it all out, every last bit of it, to cry for all I was worth, to just unload? (Yeah, but I still had more in me when I went to my monthly hair appointment--gotta keep the grays at bay--and my stylist asked about Daniela. She hadn't seen me since about 4 days before my induction so she didn't know what all had gone down. )

And you know you've got "the crazy"* down pat when nice rapist lady tells you that the OB should be able to "give you something" to help you get through this and come out intact on the other side. Why hello PPD and whatever else (PTSD?), nice to meet you.

So, my appointment with the OB this Friday will find me being honest...and taking the hand that has been offered to me, hopefully along with a script for mother's little helper.

May the meds kick in quickly (though, like all good things, it takes time. And yes, I've been on A-Ds before...I had a run-in with clinical depression about 6 years back; P-zac worked wonders for me).

*I kid, I kid. I don't think I'm 'crazy' (not technically, that is).

Floundering

2007-02-27T14:42:00.000-05:00

The tide goes high, the tide goes low. For me these days, there are a lot more 'low tide' moments than there are high tide. And the saltwater flows, oh yes, it does, usually several times a day.

I'm definitely traveling a slippery slope here. One that I'm giving my all to, trying my best to scale it, and I think I can say with all confidence that it's not working.

I'm dealing with some major thoughts and anxieties here. I heard you all on how it'll take time to heal, to find a "new" me, to come to terms with what I've been through recently. Thank you, each of you, for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. It is reassuring to know that I'm not alone and that my thoughts and feelings are somewhat typical given what I've been through. And though I'm not alone, I'm starting to realize that I can't 'go it' alone this time.

My postpartum OB appointment is next week. I think I'm going to have to let it all out. I just know that when he asks me how I'm doing, I'm going to crack and lose it. It's not going to be pretty and you know what? I'm embarrassed to tell him the truth (also, my OB has called me every 5-7 days or so for the past few weeks to see how both I and Daniela are doing and I've always told him that I'm doing "pretty good"). To now turn around and tell him that I'm not processing all of this very well seems to me like admitting failure.

But the truth is, I'm not doing so well emotionally. I've been trying to take things one day at a time, but it's hard when you've got future days to think of--namely, we won't know until Daniela is at least 3 or more months old if she's progressing normally developmentally.

I keep mulling everything over in my head, wondering where things went so wrong, knowing it's likely we may never know where things went wrong (though--and this is the first time I've brought this up here--there is the possibility, and one that can never be proven medically, that a local injection made by the OB into my perineum as Daniela was close to crowning may have nicked her head, gone through a soft spot, and caused the bleed). And know this, if that was indeed what happened (though like I said, it can't be proven), it was an accident, and accidents happen. I place no blame on anyone (other than myself it seems, good lapsed Cath0lic that I am).

Yet, all of my musing and mulling keeps drawing me back to the same question: why me? why us? why after everything else, why this?

Why, why, why...like a petulant child (and believe me, we've got one of those here already, in the form of Miss J who seems to have hit the terrible twos a little ahead of schedule, courtesy, I'm sure, of everything that's going on lately).

Yes, I'm babbling now, aren't I? Back to my point...I'm floundering, trying to make my way. It's just that I think I need a little more help in the form of pharmaceuticals perhaps. We shall see. The hard part is coming...admitting to the OB that I need help. Perhaps the sooner I get help, the sooner I can begin to heal, and to move on, embrace the new chapter of me that's here and that's to come.

I can do this. I will do this.

Trying to find me

2007-02-23T10:59:00.000-05:00

We can be honest here. And being honest here means that I have to tell you that I'm having a bit of a rough time. Physically, I'm feeling almost 100%. Mentally and emotionally, not so much.

No, it's not the new baby, nor is it balancing home life with a newborn and a toddler (though, by gosh, no brainer, it's not easy). It's just...I'm not sure who I am these days.

That probably sounds weird but think about it, I've spent the last 6 years embroiled in the quest to grow our family (aka TTC). Now that we've got two lovely girls in our lives, I'm just not sure where I go from here. It's hard to get rid of the TTC mindset--after all, it's been a huge part of who I am for so long now--and find/embrace a new mindset, that as mom, and to two at that. It's like a chapter of my life, the reproductive years, is now over and I'm not sure what to make of that, how to process it.

Add to that the fact that my experience with the NICU and those first 12 days was so completely overwhelming and something I never in a million years expected to happen, and I'm really struggling. I feel like I was robbed of the 'typical' postpartum/birth/early days experience and really, how do I change that or accept it?

I can't even look at the pictures from Daniela's first hours after birth, it hurts too much. I see them and I wonder if she was in pain and I feel like a failure for not knowing that something was wrong underneath her 'surface.' They remind me how helpless I felt and how helpless I was. I can barely look at the photos from the NICU, at least not from her first few days there on the vent and whatnot.

I'm not ungrateful for what I've got, not in the least. I know how incredibly lucky A and I are to have what we do, to be where we are, and that things could have been much much worse (really, I can't even contemplate that thought) but still I struggle to accept what has happened to us this time...why it had to happen to us and what it means for me.

Who am I and where do I go from here?

Proof that the universe has a sense of humor

2007-02-19T23:21:00.000-05:00

Howdy, how've you been, long time, pull up a chair, sit a spell.

We're about to "GO THERE." Oh, yes, the TMI, the sordid details, the good, the bad, the gross. Ready? If so, join me, won't you? Consider yourselves warned....duly duly warned. We're about to enter uncharted territory on this here blawg.

This past Wednesday, my postpartum bleeding had turned to mere spotting of the darker red variety. Ah, looks like things were slowly returning to 'normal.' I figured a few more weeks of that and then we'd be done.

Fast forward to 8 p.m. this past Friday evening, I'm laying on my stomach (a position I haven't been in for more than 10 months now) in J's room, reading her a book, when all of the sudden I feel like I'm peeing my pants. That's the only way I can describe it, warm, pee-like, odd. So I up and jump to the bathroom adjacent to her room, where I drop my pants and am greeted by the brightest red gushing blood I've ever seen come from my body. After sitting there a few minutes, it relents, I get up, check the bowl and see a lovely piece of what I can only identify as tissue, about 2 x 3 inches. Okay, no biggie. It happens postpartum, flush, leave, think no more of it.

Fast foward to 5:15 a.m. later that night, and I'm woken up out of a sound sleep (well, as sound as it can be when the co-sleeper is on your side of the bed) by that feeling that I'm peeing myself again. My senses are on high alert and I all but sprint over the co-sleeper and into our bathroom. This time, I can feel that it's much worse. I barely make it to our toilet and as I'm in the process of dropping my pants, something I can only describe as feeling huge falls out of me and into the bowl, and in the process it sprays blood droplets on the walls, the bowl ring, and drips a few puddles onto the floor. In the initial spring to the bathroom, I bled through my pad and onto my clothes.

I sit there on the toilet helpless, wondering what the hell it was. I start wiping myself (which proves to be a dumb move 'cause then I can't see whatever it is that came out of me that is now under a mound of TP). I call for A, rousing him from sleep and he comes in. For a brief instant, he lets down his guard and I can see the fear in his eyes when he sees all the blood, but then it's gone. He gets his composure back in check and starts cleaning me and the bathroom up.

I get up but am instantly woozy by the sight of all this blood. Surely, this can't be normal, right? I go sit on the edge of our bed but feel like I'm about to either throw up or pass out or both. I go back to the bathroom and get on my knees near the toilet 'cause I'm about to hurl (now wouldn't that have been someting--throwing up in my own blood-filled bowl? I can't even imagine). After a few sips of cold water quickly brought to me by A, I feel a little better. I get back into bed and promptly call my OB's practice. I get a doctor on call who I haven't seen in two years.

He tells me that he'll call in some mis0ps0st0l because there must be some leftover tissue that my body is trying to get rid of. Hmmm...okay, I've heard and read alot from the lovely ladies in the Barren Bitches Brigade. I know this is not a drug to take lightly, I know it can have some side effects, I know it can cause pain, cramping--some of described it as akin to labor. Yes, I am not comfortable taking this drug without knowing for certain whether or not there is some residual tissue left in me. Call me a baby, a chicken, whatever. I'm terrified of all this blood and of a drug that could leave me in worse shape for a few days or worse, a few weeks.

Mind you, after each of these sudden bright red gushing episodes, my bleeding immediately tapers back off to the light spotting so I'm very confused but thinking that clearly something is wrong 'up in there.' Did a stitch rip open? Did I tear something? WTH could it be?

Fast forward to Saturday evening around 11 p.m. I get up to throw away a banana peel and whammo--same peeing my pants feeling. I run for the guest bathroom and A follows on my heels. I'm in there for a good 10 minutes or so, passing lots of tissue, dripping blood, etc. It's not pretty.

When I'm done, I realize I'm down to my last pad (yes, I know, what was I thinking? in all honesty, I simply forgot to get more earlier that day). So I send A out to the local Walgreen's to pick some up. I call my SIL quickly to give her the scoop on these gushing bleeds and she promptly tells me that she wouldn't take the med without a workup to know what we're dealing with--she tells me to get thee to an ER, stat. Alas, I can't go until A returns from the store because at least one person who knows infant CPR must be with Daniela at all times and my MIL, who's here for the weekend, does not know it.

Now, here's where it gets even more interesting. Not 10 minutes after A has left, I hear the unrelenting jingle-jangle of dog #2's collar as he scratches, shakes, does something in the other room. But then I realize the jingle-jangle is not stopping and I call him to me. He comes and it is clear that something is very wrong with him. He's constantly shaking his head from side-to-side, his rear leg is shaking uncontrollably and patches of hair here and there on his body are doing this crazy stand-up thing. He's been inside all evening, laying on his bed, so it's not like he got into something outside in the yard.

A few minutes go by and he's getting worse. I make a call to the emergency animal clinic and they want him brought in. Again, I'm trapped at home waiting for A before I can go to the ER for me and now before dog #2 can go the animal ER. Scratch that, I'm now trapped waiting for A to get home, then for him to go to the animal ER and get back home, before I can go to the ER.

And that's how I find myself walking into the ER (of the same hospital where I delivered Daniela) at around 1:30 a.m. that night. It's empty so I don't wait long to be called back. And yes, I went alone because A and his bad ass infant CPR self had to stay with Daniela (he and I took a quick course on it before she could be discharged from the NICU).

Six hours later, after much poking (bloodwork, IV) and prodding (transvag u/s and a lovely internal), my uterus is declared "free of remaining products of conception" and I'm given the all-clear to go home. My blood levels are all okay so I'm not losing too much blood. The guess is that there must have been something (PLACENTA--the gift that keeps on giving?) in my uterus and my body eventually cleared it out on its own, sometime before I went to the ER.

I hate to say it, but I actually got home after dog #2 did. Like me, they never did find out what was wrong with him. The ER vet thinks there is a possibility it might be (oh boy--wait for it) a type of cancer that releases histamines which is what caused all of his itching, scratching, twitching and the crazy stand-up hair thing (which was caused by hives). He has an appointment to see our regular vet later this week and have some lumps biopsied.

As for me, I haven't had any more crazy gushing bleeds since Saturday night's (knock on wood) and I'm scheduled to see my OB for a regular postpartum check up in 3 weeks. As a side note, I did call my OB (he gave me his cell phone # after the whole delivery/NICU thing) yesterday and tell him what had happened with me. He said not to take the mis0pr0st0l unless I had another bleeding episode. I gladly went with his advice and the med sits at the pharmacy still, waiting for a pick up that I hope will not happen.

You know, if it weren't for the already-crazy post-pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, I'd be laughing until I was crying...or is it the other way around? Crying until I'm laughing?

'Cause really, enough is enough with this 'when it rains, it pours,' shit.

How she got here (a long--very long--tale)

2007-02-16T11:41:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I figured for posterity's sake, I should write down my birth story. Daniela may one day want to know what her entrance into the world was like. It's going to be hard for me to put it all down but I'll do my best (most likely with periodic pauses to wipe up my tears).

Late in the afternoon on January 31st, my MIL joined us as she would be watching J when we went into the hospital later that night. The four of us had a lovely dinner at a local outdoor restaurant that J adores. I kept thinking to myself how weird it was that this was the last time I'd be eating there as a family of three. It felt very surreal.

Fast forward an hour-and-a-half later and A and I are parking the car in front of the hospital, then lugging our stuff inside and up to L&D. This was around 8 p.m.

My room was ready (the last one available of the 12 there) so we started getting settled in. At around 9 p.m., my night nurse came in and did an internal. Wowee--it hurt like the dickens. Of course, my cervix was back as high as it had been earlier in the day when the OB checked me and I was still around 1 cm and 50%. The phlebotomist then came in a took some blood for labwork, and got my IV started. I was also put on the monitor belt to keep track of Daniela's heartrate and my contraction rate.

At around 9:30, the nurse came in an placed the Cervidil. Of course, this meant that I had to lie in bed without getting up for two hours. Tell that to my bladder. By the time 11 rolled around, my bladder was angry :-) but grateful it was finally allowed to get emptied! The cervidil did start some minor erratic contractions but they eventually stopped.

My sleep was fitful but I did manage to get some. Bright and early at 7 a.m. the next day, the new day nurse came in to say hello and get my pitocin started. The contractions got started shortly thereafter but they were bearable. I had told her about my previous L&D experience (particularly about how the epidural had worn off because the nurse waited too long to call the anesthesiologist back) and she was great about making sure the same thing didn't happen to me again.

My contractions got stronger pretty quickly and I was doing my best deep breathing to ride them out. When the nurse came back in around 9, she asked if I was ready for the epidural and I agreed that it was about time. If I recall correctly, I was around 3 cm when the epi was placed. Immediate relief.

The relief was so great that I was able to sleep off and on for about the next two or three hours. Then I was starting to feel the contractions a bit more (especially on the left side of my uterus) so the nurse called the anesthesiologist back to top me off. Bliss, more relief...and more sleep.

Shortly thereafter, my OB came by and broke my water. Now we're cooking with gas.

Fast forward a couple of hours and my contractions are strong, and the left side of my uterus is in agony. Apparently, I have a block that didn't take the epidural so I can feel everything there. It's as if the pain is concentrated in this one area and it is intense. I do my best to breathe through it, repeating in my head, "if I can get through this, I can get through any thing." Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn't. Ironic thing is that I don't realize how much this statement will later come to mean.

Throughout all of this, Daniela's heartrate on the monitor is fantastic. She is tolerating my contractions well and all looks great.

At around 3 p.m., my nurse does an internal and declares me 10 cm and 100%. She calls my OB and lets him know. In the meantime, I start pushing when I feel the urge.

Two hours later, with each push, Daniela's head comes to the very edge of my vaginal opening and then immediately retracts back in once I'm done pushing. I'm giving it everything I've got but this continues for almost 2 hours.

My OB tells me that she's close enough that he can help get her out if I want (trying the vacuum extractor) but I decline and soldier on. The nurse points out some minor bleeding I'm having and a few minutes later, the OB declares that "whatever was tearing is done." He gives me a local injection into my perineal area a few minutes later.

I've now been pushing for a little over 2 hours. Daniela's heartrate has continued to look great on the monitor and she's doing well. I'm tired, I'm sweaty, and I'm determined. I push with everything I have. And what do you know? It works, and I feel her head emerge and then her body quickly follow. The OB declares that he's going to cut the cord so he can give her to the nurses quickly. This catches my attention.

A tells me that she's beautiful and that the baby nurse has her and is getting her cleaned up.

As I lay there, first passing the placenta and then as the OB stitches my tear up, I am focused on the fact that Daniela has not cried. I do not hear that blessed sound. I'm tense, the OB asks me what's wrong. I ask why she's not crying. There's no answer given...but I realize that there are now five people over there working on Daniela, urging her to "come on baby." I am beginning to lose it. A goes over and takes some pictures of her on the warmer and brings them back over to show me. She's divine.

Soon she begins to make noise but it's not a hearty healthy cry. It's a weak mewling sound, erratic, and not very strong at all but I figure it's a cry so that must be good, right? The nurses call out her measurements (7 lbs, 19 1/2 inches long) and she's brought over to me so I can hold her briefly. The nurses then take her to the nursery to get her footprints done, eye ointment put in, etc. A goes to see her shortly thereafter and brings me some pictures.

I'm itching to see her again but I'm so numb from the super-duper dose of epidural that I can't walk so I opt to wait until they bring Daniela in to me. They do this around 9:30 that night and A and I get to hold and feed her. She's irritable and somewhat inconsolable.

In a key piece of FORESHADOWING (unbeknownst at the time to me), the night baby nurse offers to let us keep Daniela in the nursery that night in case we want to get some rest. Now, the interesting thing about where I delivered is this--they do NOT allow babies to stay in the nursery. They are a facility that has the babies room in with the mother. The nursery is basically for handling the essentials--weighing, measuring, footprinting, etc.

A and I chat briefly and he's adamant that it would be nice to get an uninterrupted night of sleep. I could go either way and would prefer her to stay in our room. I've waited this long to see and meet her, I really want to spend time with her. But A pushes for us getting our rest and we tell the baby nurse that we'd like to take her up on her offer to keep the baby in the nursery with her. She is kept on the infant warmer in just her diaper overnight. A brings me more pictures after another visit to see her a little later.

A and I each manage to get some sleep. I'm interrupted periodically for BP and temperature checks and to change my ice pack every few hours. But I do sleep and wonder how Daniela is in between.

At around 5:30 a.m., a stranger in blue scrubs comes into my room. She introduces herself as a neonatologist and tells me that the hospital called her in around 4 a.m. She begins to tell me that the baby nurse witnessed Daniela have a seizure around 4 a.m. and she was called in to consult. After her arrival, the doctor herself witnessed another seizure...she's speaking Greek. It's not computing in my brain.

And then I hear more words: transport to NICU, unknown what's causing them, very sick.... and the world stops spinning around me in that instant.

Happy love day

2007-02-15T00:40:00.000-05:00

Yes, I realize I'm a day late but really...I've been kinda busy recently.

And look who's more and more awake with each day that passes....

I've been contemplating sharing Daniela's birth story here but, in all honesty, it really was rather uneventful...until the fateful delivery portion, that is. I'll mull it over and see which way the wind blows, unless--of course--y'all are just dyin' to know all the gory details :-)

There's no place like home

2007-02-13T21:54:00.000-05:00

By g-d, was it nice to sleep in my own bed last night with Daniela's co-sleeper mere inches away. Suprisingly, I slept well and didn't at all mind the 2 a.m. feeding.

The monitor has been quiet with the exception of a few "loose connection" alarms but they're a one beep alert and not some screaming banshee of a beep system. I almost feel like we're back to the 'normal' newborn phase again and that the NICU was a bad dream. Alas, I know that it wasn't and that we've still got a slew of doctor visits ahead of us in the next two months but that's a very small price to pay for the delicious little girl who finally came home with us yesterday.

Despite the fact that I slept well last night, I didn't sleep long so I'm trying to sleep when she sleeps but--just as it was difficult to do when we brought Juliana home--it's even more difficult to do now with a toddler running around.

Speaking of that toddler :-), she's really stepped up the big sister plate. When I pulled up yesterday, A brought Juliana out to the car and showed her Daniela. Her eyes got so big, they honestly did look like saucers. Then when we brought Daniela inside in her car seat, Juliana wanted to touch her feet and her toes, and kiss her face (and yes, we let her do all of those things so she knows that she's a part of her life too and that Daniela is not "off limits" to her).

Today she's helped me feed her by holding the bottle, and also patted her back along with me when it was time for a post-feeding burp.

To say that I cried big sloppy tears of happiness and everything else when Juliana took her first look at Daniela would be an understatement. It was just so wonderful to have that day finally arrive, and to see the four of us standing there. Times like those, I wish someone was there to take our picture but it likely would have ruined the moment.

Another image burned into memory of a day I never expected to have.

Guess who's coming to dinner?

2007-02-12T14:11:00.000-05:00

Yep, today she comes home, just in time for dinner.

We have training on the apnea monitor at 3:30 today at the hospital followed by discharge summary. If all goes according to plan, Daniela should be home in time for dinner tonight.

How I've waited for this day and it's finally here. Now it's time to begin the new process of acclimating her big sister and us to life as a foursome. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared of what tonight may hold. You get used to having monitors and machines around to give you a sense of security when your child is in the NICU.

Tonight, we're on our own. Gulp.

Will post more when she's here :-)

NICU day 9

2007-02-10T21:31:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...perhaps the word "abnormal" should not be cast about so easily by the nurse is all I'm saying.

I met with the neurologist last night and she advised that yesterday's EEG showed nothing abnormal. The only thing she witnessed was some 'depressed' activity in the region of the event Daniela had which was to be expected given that she likely still has some brain swelling. When I asked what she envisioned Daniela's prognosis for recovery to be, she replied "great" which went a long way in reassuring me. Apparently, I was all worked up into a tizzy mentally when there wasn't anything to be worried about. It made for a long afternoon from that phone call discussion with the nurse until when I actually spoke with the neuro.

On the slightly negative side, Daniela did have two bradycardic episodes yesterday where her heartrate dropped significantly (I wasn't there for the first one but I was alone with her last night when the second one occurred--I nudged her gently and her heartrate rebounded nicely--thankfully). The nurse was not sure why these incidents took place but there is the possibility that it was simply a 'blip' on the machine and nothing major. Regardless, the nurse recommended that Daniela be sent home with the apnea monitor for sure and the doc agreed.

Today A and I attended a mandatory infant CPR class (we last took one just before we had Juliana) and A then left to go tend to some stuff he had going on. That meant I got about 4 or 5 hours of straight Daniela time. We snuggled, we fed, we changed diapers--heck, I even got puked on after a meal and then crapped on when she had a blowout through her diaper, the onesie, and two swaddled blankets. Impressive.

Daniela is currently off almost every machine with the exception of the respiratory and heartrate leads. She is in a crib and is feeding on an "on demand" schedule. She's been awake more and more, wakes up about every 2 1/2 to 3 hours for her feeding, and generally is pretty easy-going. She even had her first non-family member visitor today :-)

The plan currently is for us to bring her home Monday (knock wood), probably late in the day. She will be on phenobarbitol for a few months at least as the plan is to slowly wean her from it by letting her outgrow the dose (essentially, the bigger she grows, the less effective the current dose will be until it's basically like receiving nothing medicine-wise). She'll be followed by the neurologist regularly starting at about 2 weeks post-discharge.

As you can see, it's been a night and day of continued reassuring news. More steps forward...hopefully with no more steps backward.

And now I'm off, headed back to the NICU for a late-night rendezvous.

And there's your two steps backwards

2007-02-09T19:32:00.000-05:00

EEG today found no seizure activity but there was abnormal brain activity. I don't know what that means, we're hoping to speak with the neurologist this evening to find out more. The terror is back, as are the tears. Trying to hold it together but lots of horrible thoughts are filling my head; I imagine I don't need to go into detail. I'm sure you get the picture. Of course, there is the possibility that the abnormal activity is from the brain swelling but we'll see.

The earliest she may go home is Monday. We've got to attend CPR training tomorrow (though we did it two years ago, a refresher is always nice) and we do know that Daniela will be sent home with an apnea montior--which isn't available until Monday as the unit that doles out home health goods is closed over the weekend (WTH?).

More news as it's fit to print.

NICU day 8, or the light at the end of the tunnel?

2007-02-09T16:29:00.000-05:00

We just got back from the hospital and the news is wonderful!

Today, Daniela's IV was removed completely. Her phenobarb level has dropped to 34 and all of her vitals continue to be excellent. She has been moved from an isolette to a crib and is wearing actual clothes :-) instead of a diaper and lots of wires!

When we left earlier, they were just getting started on her EEG. If that comes back okay, as they expect it to, we were told that Daniela will be discharged either tomorrow or Sunday. Yippee!

She does have some muscle tightness on her left side (arm) so we've been referred to physical therapy. In addition, she will leave the hospital on a weaning dose of phenobarbitol. I'll have to give it to her twice a day until she either A) outgrows the dose or B) they drop the amt over time until it is all out of her system. Like steroids, you cannot just stop phenobarbitol cold turkey. The level needs to be reduced over time until it is completely down and ultimately out of the system. Daniela's levels will be followed up by the neurologist at her office in a few months' time.

She'll have her normal newborn hearing screen tomorrow and then we just need to bring in the carseat to make sure she gets the all clear to ride home in it.

Last night, I journeyed up to the hospital by myself (first time) while A stayed home to get some rest. I did the 8 and 11 p.m. feedings and got lots of snuggling in...it was beyond wonderful...

So perhaps we'll be experiencing lots more 'beyond wonderful' in the coming two days. It seems like Daniela has been in the NICU for so long now but I realize it's just a little over a week. Lots of mothers and fathers have children in the NICU for much longer and my heart is with them. It's a lot to go through, to comprehend, to digest, and so so very hard. I don't wish anything even remotely like it on my worst enemy (not that I have any of those but you get my point, I'm sure).

Yea for more good news...like milk, it does a body good--or actually, I should correct that and say "it does a mind good."

NICU day 7

2007-02-08T16:09:00.000-05:00

The past 24 hours have been filled with good news for Daniela.

Last night, they began normal feedings and I'm happy to report that she took to the bottle like a fish to water. She's done so well with it that they increased her amount from 10 ml per feeding to 30. They've also begun to wean her off the IV; the volume she's receiving today has been reduced to a third of what she was originally getting. She also has been moved from a warmer to an isolette and she may be moved to a crib tonight or tomorrow.

A and I had the pleasure of feeding her today at both 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. It was divine. To get to hold her, cuddle, burp her (that's my girl!), change her diaper, etc....lovely. She even opened her eyes and we spent a few minutes checking each other out. After all, she's been so out of it, she hasn't seen me in a week so she's probably wondering who the hell the lady with the dark hair is who's all up in her face. We're heading back tonight for the 8 p.m. feeding and some more quality snuggle time. I can't get enough of it, and to see her face without that vent tube in her mouth...it doesn't get much better than that (until, of course, the day I'm looking at her pretty face in the comfort of our own home).

Today, the pediatric hematologist stopped by to tell us that so far the hematology labs that have come back have all been normal. He's so confident that the remaining tests (those that won't be back until next week) will be normal as well, that he noted her chart as such and will call us only if it turns out that something comes back abnormal. Alas, he doesn't expect it to but if it does, he assured us that it would be nothing huge and it would mean only that she'd need to get the lab(s) repeated at 6 months to recheck them.

There was more talk today while we were at the hospital that Daniela may get to come home this weekend. However, I know to take that with a grain of salt and just play it day-by-day.

Tomorrow they'll run another EEG to check for seizure activity and do another phenobarb level to make sure it's decreasing nicely. Thankfully, they were able to get enough blood from her without depleting her supply so no transfusion--yea!!

I know a lot of times, good news in the NICU consists of one step forward, two steps back but we've been the lucky recipients of several good steps forward yesterday and today without the resultant step back. How I hope this continues :-)

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the continued love.

NICU day 6...looking up

2007-02-07T14:42:00.000-05:00

I can barely contain my happiness today--Daniela was taken off of the ventilator at 9 a.m. this morning!

Since yesterday, as she'd been coming out from the phenobarb haze more and more, she'd been showing signs of fighting the tube...so this morning the doc and respiratory therapist made the decision to take it out. Daniela has been seizure-free for more than 24 hours now and has had no additional apnea episodes so she is tube-free. According to today's nurse, she woke up for a bit before A and I got there for our morning visit. She had her eyes open, was looking around--must have thought 'where the hell am I?' and promptly went back to sleep. It was so nice to see her face without anything on it!

She also had a consult with the pediatric opthalmologist today who declared her eyes to be just fine (thankfully, I had been so worried about that) so more good news.

While we were there, the neonatologist came by to give us the results of the MRA. Basically, they were good. The MRA showed no evidence suggesting a stroke (the original MRI showed the brain injury and the call was made that it was a stroke) but that may not be the case based on the more in-depth MRA findings. The only potential wrench I see in this is that the MRA done yesterday they did without contrast dye since Daniela was on the vent. Now that she's off it (knock wood she stays off), it's my thought that they may want to repeat it in the coming days, this time with contrast to see if perhaps that finds something more conclusive. But who knows? The other thing is that the brain injury could have healed itself by now and that is why it did not show up on the MRA.

So that's the big news from my part of the country. Oh, and my crying has tapered off a bit too in this past day. I think I've only had two or three episodes tops, as opposed to my usual twelve or thirteen. I know, I know...good days and bad. But today is shaping up to be one of the good ones.

I can't wait to get back there for tonight's visit.

NICU day 5

2007-02-06T19:26:00.001-05:00

Daniela had her MRA earlier this morning (yeah, finally). Now we're simply waiting for the radiologist to read it and give the neuro the results...who in turn will tell us the findings. I love the trickle down process.

I'm so so happy to say that Daniela has not had any seizure activity that any of the nurses have noted for the past almost 24 hours now. In addition, she's slowly regulating her phenobarbitol levels, meaning she's sort of trying to come out from her haze as her body begins to self-regulate the level from the high 'loading' dose they started her on. Last night's nurse told us that she was trying to open her eyes and today's nurse told us that she's starting to pull at the vent tube...meaning she wants that thing out of there. Can't say I blame her.

The good nurses are the ones who let me change her and take her temperature. We've had a few of those so far, including today's. The great nurses (so far, only one) are the ones who let me hold her. I haven't gotten to do that since Saturday...torture. The mean nurses are the ones who won't let me touch her, change her, or do anything except sit and stare at her (so far, only one). I hate that my time with her is 'managed' by them but I understand why it's done.

The hematology tests start tonight and will continue on into tomorrow and possibly Thursday. There are 16 tests to be run altogether and it's very likely she'll ultimately need a transfusion since her tiny little body can't regenerate blood as quickly as an adult could. We'll see what happens. Those results will rule out any clotting or bleeding disorders as the reason for the stroke.

Like I said, though, we ultimately may never know what caused it.

Today the infection and viral cultures came back completely negative at 72 hours so the antibiotics and antiviral med have been discontinued.

The last good thing to happen today was that A and I met with the discharge planner. She stopped by to meet with us and go over a few key issues for discharge. Obviously, there is some time still to go before they even begin to think discharge, but she ran us through some basic questions and information on what we'll expect as far as consults before we're discharged (basic newborn hearing screen, developmental therapist, pediatric opthalmologist). We're thinking it'll be a week or two before they send her home...how I hope we're wrong.

So today was a good day. It was a rough morning but it got better once we went to visit Daniela. This is not exactly how I expected to spend my maternity leave. I float around the house like a ghost, pale, drawn, anxiety etched on my face, I'm sure. One wrong look at me and I break down crying. I'm trying to stop, I really am, but sometimes I just can't help it. The nights are the hardest...especially at bedtime. That's when doubts and such come creeping in, beckoning me with their negativity, scaring me with their ferocity.

NICU day 4

2007-02-05T16:35:00.000-05:00

I love the circled wagons gals, thank you so so much. G-d, does it help.

Things seem to move in slow motion in the NICU. Daniela had another EEG this morning and we're waiting for the results to be read. However, we had a nice nurse on duty this morning and she was kind enough to whisper to me (one of those "you didn't hear it from me"s) that the tech told her (on the sly as well) there was no seizure activity noted during the EEG. Hurrah! What lovely news. That makes it almost 18 hours or so with no seizure activity noted (knock wood). Perhaps that means that it's starting to taper off as the doctors anticipated and that her brain edema is decreasing also as anticipated.

The MRA is about to be done shortly. I just called to give them permission to do the test (it seems they forgot to get it from me when we were there earlier) so hopefully it'll be done in a little while.

Everything else is pretty much status quo. She remains on the vent but entirely on room air. She's taking a good deal of breaths on her own despite the vent. She's still loaded up on phenobarbitol and heavily sedated. Grandma came with us this morning and finally got to see her newest granddaughter. Grandmas are good about not seeing the tubes and machinery, you know?

As for how I'm doing, I'm trying to hang on, I really am but I often find myself whirling and swirling in a sea of doubt. Did this happen because of something I did? Something I didn't do? Could it have been prevented? All that time she was quiet and didn't move alot in utero, had she already had the stroke and that's why she was oftentimes so sedate in there?

I'm trying to put on my "happy" everything's okay face in front of Juliana...whose favorite thing to do nowadays to ask mama to sit on the floor with her and play. It's one of our daily routines. Alas, the floor is so incredibly uncomfortable on my battered girl bits that it's been all but impossible but I'm trying. She's been home with her grandmother here for the past 4 days. We took her to daycare this morning to get back to her normal routine and she was devastated. A said it was the first time he came close to losing it, walking out of there to the vision of her burying her head in her teacher's neck, crying in a soft manner. When he came home and told me that, forget it. I was a goner, yet again.

So much swirling and whirling. Crying. Trying to hold it together, wondering if I'm riding the slippery slope of PPD downward or if it's just the hormonal post-delivery crash. I'm not sure which it is.

I remember when my biggest concern during this pregnancy was whether or not I could love a second child as much I love Juliana. Many of you reassured me that I would. And you know what? You were so right, so incredibly on the mark. I realized when she came out that I loved her from the second I found out we were pregnant. Absolutely amazing that love.

Last night as we drove home from the hospital, A said to me "When I see the look in your eyes when you look at her and how you dote on her, I fall in love with you all over again." By g-d, I don't know what I ever did to get this incredible man in my life, but wow, did I win one in the husband lottery.

How can I thank you?

2007-02-04T18:49:00.000-05:00

How do I personally thank each of you wonderful women when we've never had the pleasure of meeting in person? How can I accurately convey just how much your words mean to me during this extremely difficult time?

I don't know but I'll give it my best.

When A and I first started trying to grow our family back in 2001, we thought it would be a cut and dried issue. Have sex, get pregnant, simple as that. But for us, as for many of you, it was not. It was a long road, an arduous road, one that you think you're not prepared for, and you're not. But you head down it anyway, doing what you can to get through it, to hopefully expand your family.

Along the way you realize just how alone you are in your journey. How no one else you know IRL (for many of us, that is) is going through the struggle you are. But then you stumble onto the world of blogs, and you come across women who are in a similar situation to your own (I found this world through GetUpGrrl--who is sorely missed). You read the words of these incredible women, these strong women, and you realize that you have something...even if it's just the tenuous grasp of hope...in common.

That's how I felt about discovering the world of blogs, particularly infertility blogs, back in 2004. I continue to come across new-to-me blogs to this day that I can't get enough of. Finally, other people who "get it." Each and every time, I become so hopeful for them, so entwined in their stories, and heck, I even made some special connections along the way. And it seems that some of you feel the same way about me (for this I also thank you).

To have your support now, in this darkest of times for me, is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Please know how much your words are helping me keep my chin up, how they inspire me to keep whispering to Daniela how important it is to keep fighting.

I don't think I've truly conveyed how much your love means to me but please please please know that it does. My girl and I are beyond grateful (as are my other girl and A too). We've had no changes in Daniela's condition today, she's still heavily sedated but doing well. We'll know more in the coming days. Here I was hoping time would fly in the days before I was due to be induced--well, now I'm willing them to fly even faster--anything to get us some answers, some idea of what to expect, as we await test results and more.

I take comfort in your words, your thoughts, your love, your support. They remind me, yet again, that I'm stronger than I think.

NICU day 3

2007-02-04T12:46:00.000-05:00

Not much change to report. Daniela is still--as the nurses say--"snowed under" by the phenobarbitol. Keeping her on a high level keeps her sedate and lessens the severity of the seizures. We've been told to expect the number of seizures to increase now and for the next day or two before they begin to taper off.

The seizures occur because there is swelling (edema) of her brain from the stroke. As the swelling decreases, the seizures should too. They're running some coagulatory studies today (which involve taking a lot of blood, so much so that she may be depleted entirely and require a transfusion for which neither A or I can be donors) to see if a bleeding or clotting disorder may be the reason for the stroke. It's not entirely likely as there is no history of any such disorder in either mine or A's family but no stone unturned, you know?

She's still on the ventilator but breathing room air through it. She has a tendency at times to "ride the vent" or let it breathe for her. They tell us this is because of the phenobarb level being so high and also the fact that she goes apnic when she seizes so the vent then does the breathing for her. But she is breathing on her own a good portion of time despite the vent so that's good.

They're going to run an MRA (a more 'intense' version of the MRI that looks specifically at the arterial and venous structure of the brain--that's my understanding of it) tomorrow and that may indicate whether the stroke (or strokes--there is a possibility she had 2 close together) were hemorrhagic (bleeds) or hypoxic (lack of oxygen) in origin.

The neonatologist and the neurologist are both optimistic that Daniela can make a full recovery from the stroke(s). As they say, her prognosis is good. I hold onto that, a ray of bright in an otherwise dark situation.

While this news lightens my heart, it's so hard not being able to hold her as often as I would like to. Holding her can cause too much stimulation which, in turn, brings on seizures. I got to hold her for a little over an hour yesterday courtesy of our favorite NICU nurse. We adore her. Her counterpart after shift change, not so much. When we went back last night, looking forward to giving Daniela a bath as our favorite nurse had said we could do earlier in the day, mean counterpart nurse never even gave us the option, nor was I allowed to hold her. It about broke my heart. I started to cry and this got her to asking me "what's wrong Mama?"

What's wrong? WTF do you think is wrong? There's a long list of what's wrong--the shortened version: A) My daughter is in here, connected to so many damn wires and whatnot that I can't just touch her like I want and need to. B) This not how this was supposed to be. In a "perfect" world, she would have transitioned well after delivery, not had a stroke, and been able to come home with me, to meet her big sister and the rest of her family. C) Do you know how much I need to hold her, to love her, to let her know that I'm there (A has had a cold the past two weeks so he's opted not to hold her while she's in the NICU for fear of passing it along to her)? Do you know how hard it is for me when you tell me I can't touch her, that she needs to be left alone?

She said she preferred not to let me hold her because of the tenuous IV in her foot (they moved it from her hand yesterday to her foot). Funny thing is, when I held her for so long in the afternoon with nice nurse, the IV was in her foot--nice nurse was the one who inserted it there and she had no problem with me holding her despite the foot IV. It's not like I'm sitting there jiggling my girl around. No, it's more like I sit and hold her, talking softly to her, lightly caressing her hands with their long fingers or just holding one, softly stroking the headful of dark beautiful hair (so MUCH hair!), staring at her in wonder. Urging her to fight, to get better. To hurry up so she can come home with us.

I just want her to know that I'm there, that I'm her mother, that I would never leave her but that I'm not allowed to be there all the time due to hours and regulations. I'm worried that we didn't get to bond for very long after her birth. Will she know who I am? Will she know how much she is loved?

Several of our close friends want to come see her at the hospital. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. I mean, I want them to see HER, not the machines and wires and things all connected to her. I want them to see how beautiful she is, how she resembles Juliana when she makes certain expressions or yawns, I want them to see her for her, not the her who is there on that bed, sick and letting machines function for her. Is that wrong of me? Selfish of me?

I feel like this is killing me, a little bit at a time, inside. Why me? Why us? (or for that matter, why ANY of us who've dealt with IF?) Haven't we been through enough on this journey?

I would gladly trade places with Daniela in an instant, if it just meant that she was healthy and home and that this entire thing was just a nightmare, one that I wake up from and it's over.

Sadly, that is not my reality right now but oh, how I wish it were.

NICU day 2

2007-02-03T12:42:00.000-05:00

We learned this morning that the MRI shows Daniela suffered a small stroke--either before, during or immediately after delivery and they're not exactly sure why. It's the reason she's now experiencing the seizures, which are still ongoing even though she's receiving a fairly high dose of phenobarbitol.

We spent about an hour and a half there last night around 1 a.m. or so and will go back this afternoon and again tonight. I'd stay there all day and night if I could. Leaving there without her is the hardest part for me; I just keep thinking that she's all alone with no one there to love her...but A assures me that those nurses love those babies or else they wouldn't be in the line of work that they are. True I imagine but just not the same, I'm sorry.

The neurologist did say that she expects her to make a full recovery from the stroke (though she said this followed by "G-d willing"). I spoke with our pediatrician this morning to give her the update as she hadn't spoken with the neurologist yet. She was wonderful and went out of her way to tell me about another patient in the practice who had suffered a similar stroke at birth or shortly thereafter and the only after effect he now has is a weaker right arm. Oh, how I hope that's the worst of our long-term effects.

They're now awaiting all of the culture results to see if either a bacterial or viral infection was the cause of the stroke. Monday will be 72 hours, which is the full course of time for the cultures to grow, so if they're negative then, infection is not the cause. They came back negative at 24 hours so far so we'll see. There is some possibility that the nuchal cord caused the stroke, or perhaps they may never exactly know why at all. It all comes down to putting the puzzle pieces together. They will repeat the MRI on Monday to see how her brain looks.

She's on the ventilator now so she's officially a level III patient (highest level of care). She stops breathing when she seizes which is the reason for the ventilator.

I am trying to be strong, I really am, but it's just so hard. I'm already an emotional person--regardless of pregnancy hormones but now that I imagine those are starting to crash, it's only getting worse. Last night--her first in the NICU while we were at home without her--was the worst, I was afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid I'll miss something though I know I won't. The NICU will call if anything changes or any emergencies crop up. We've been told that this is not life-threatening so that was somewhat reassuring though my mind is all over the place and I can't help it when that "what if" thought comes up. I shove it off as quickly as possible but it's there, lurking in the shadows, waiting to grab me at my darkest moments.

I don't know how I can get through this. I continue to put one foot in front of the other and I know that I can and I will get through this but it's just so so emotionally draining. I can't stop crying. A is being so incredibly supportive. I apologized to him for the fact that I can't be strong right now, that he has to be the 'rock' of our relationship--even though I know he's hurting too and she's his daughter too and he's just as scared, and every other emotion you can think of, as I am.

Thank you, all of you, for your kind words and everything else. They help so much...more than you can imagine. I certainly need all the help I can get, now more than ever.

I just keep chanting in my head, please please please let her be okay. I've never wanted anymore else more than I want this....she just has to be okay. Please, just let her be okay.

NICU day 1

2007-02-03T02:32:00.000-05:00

So, my euphoria over Daniela's entrance into this world was quickly tempered by the fact that she did not cry. While I laid there getting stitched up, she would mewl a little but no solid cry. Four nurses worked on her and after a few minutes she was taken to the nursery for them to continue stimulating her. She stayed in there for a few hours and was brought back to us around 10 p.m. We fed her, loved on her, etc., for about an hour or so and sent her back to the nursery (the nurse gave us the option since normally babies room in with mom at our hospital).

We're grateful that we sent her back to the nursery. Around 4 a.m. that night, the nurse in the nursery saw Daniela have a seizure. They ran a battery of blood work and tests from right after she was born until the early morning hours and all came back fine. I later learned that she was born with her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck three times (though all of her heartrates during labor and delivery were completely normal so there is no indication she had her oxygen cut off during labor) and her apgars were not so hot (4, 7, and then 8 at 10 minutes).

After a second seizure early this morning, the hospital called for a neonatal consult and the doctor came down from the big hospital to assess her. The call was made this morning to transfer Daniela to the big Level III NICU hospital.

The transport team came for her around 11:30 this morning. My OB was kind enough to discharge me then, a mere 18 hours after giving birth. He realized that he could make me stay in the hospital and have me stressed out and worried about what was going on with her across town or he could discharge me with the promise that I'd take it as easy and possible but still be able to be see her at the other hospital.

On the plus side of Daniela's health, so far all of her tests (blood-work and ultrasound-wise) have come back completely normal. She's got good color, good tone, etc., however, she's had several more seizures today, even with phenobarbitol (sp?) on board in her IV. The nurses have told us though that the seizures are not the problem since she's medicated and being monitored; it's finding out what's causing them that is the issue. It could be a transient issue that resolves itself and never really has a definitive answer as to why they occurred in the first place or it could be a seizure disorder, it could be a brain bleed/trauma (she was pressing on my pelvic bones for over 2 hours during L&D and came out bruised and battered as a result), or something else entirely.

She had a CT scan and an MRI this evening. Both to check definitively for a bleed in her brain. There is also some loose talk that she may have had a stroke at birth though a pediatrician friend of the family says that if there's any "good" time in your life to have a stroke, during the neonate phase is best as studies have shown newborns/infants are able to regenerate any damaged areas and long-term studies have shown these kids have no lasting effects after age two (in a local study of 16 children).

The specialist will read the CT scan and MRI in the morning during rounds so we should hopefully know more tomorrow morning. There is concern about a possible bleed in her brain though one was not seen on u/s. Apparently, the CT scan and MRI will definitively tell though if there has been any bleeding.

She's breathing on her own, 100% room O2, except for tonight when they had to sedate her for the MRI. Sedation meant intubation but they say that once she comes out of it, they'll likely take her tube out. She's got an NG tube in for feeding but so far she's just getting sugar through the tube.

We've been to seen her a couple of times today. It kills me a little bit inside to have to leave and leave her there, under the lights and surrounded by noise, knowing there is no one there to love her like I do.

I just want an answer, I want to know if she'll get better soon, if there will be any long term repercussions, when she gets to come home. That's all I really want, my girl home with us and healthy. I know it's for the best that she stay there now and get the best care possible in the county. But it just hurts so much. I just want my girl here.

And then 3 became 4

2007-02-01T21:56:00.000-05:00

She's here!

Daniela Marie, 7 lbs., 19 1/2" born at 5:36 this evening after 2 solid hours of pushing (but yea! no forceps) and 8 hours of labor before that. Mom is sore (yes, another "sunny side up" delivery and a second degree tear!) and tired but so in love.

More news once we're home from the hospital in a few days, and--of course--some pictures.

Thank you for all your well wishes--much love to each of you :-)

On the cusp

2007-01-31T11:28:00.000-05:00

This morning's OB appt found my cervix uncooperative. Still only 1 cm and 50% effaced with baby at a -3 station, or--according to the doctor--she's in Port St. Lucie (a reference to a city a good 40 or so minutes north of here). Good news that. It looks like another long "laboring down" process may be in my cards.

To add to the fun, yesterday's last u/s showed her to be face up ("sunny side up," or occiput posterior)...just like her big sister was. Let's hear it for back labor--yeah!! the very best labor of all :-( Who knows? Perhaps we'll even see a return of the forceps for 2.o's arrival (oh how I hope not).

I check into the hospital tonight at 7:30. I'm nervous yet excited and looking forward to meeting her. I'm viewing it in terms of point A (pregnant) and point C (baby here), happily omitting the point B (L&D) that will bridge the other two.

That's the not-so-productive cervical news from sunny south Florida. I look forward to seeing y'all on the flip side in a few days.

And I won't mention that I spent a good portion of my evening last night crying every time I looked at J and/or thought about the fact that she will no longer be "the only one" and thinking that I hope she knows just how much we love her, that 2.0 is not meant to replace her in any way and wanting her to understand that we can love and make time for both of them just as well as we could when it was just her.

Soon, we 3 will be 4.

Terror. Love. Excitement. Love. Nervous. Love. Joy. Hope...and yes, love.

Status quo

2007-01-26T22:56:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm still hanging in there. 2.0 did not "pass" yesterday's NST but once she got on the follow-up ultrasound, she looked great, as did my amniotic fluid. So I'm apparently doing okay on that front and my BP was a healthy 118/80 with no protein in my urine. 2.0 currently weighs an estimated 5 lbs., 13 oz. (the same weight J was born at; apparently--and thankfully--I grow 'em small). All very good news for a Thursday.

Tuesday I have my next and probably final NST. Let's hope it goes well. Then I have what should be my final OB appointment on Wednsday morning. I check in to the hospital that night around 7 or so for "all systems go" time. Hopefully, we'll be welcoming 2.0 the following day (mama would like some uninterrupted sleep that night after check in--oh haha, I'm so funny, more like I'd like some quality time to lie there awake, unable to sleep, nervously imagining what's to come).

In light of the fact that, holy crap, 2.0 should be here in 5 ! more ! days! , tomorrow I've got a hair appointment, as well as date night, Tuesday morning I've got a pedicure and Wednesday afternoon I'm scheduled for a prenatal massage. I'll be buffed, shined and polished for the big day--then again, it's not like anyone will really be looking at the rest of me then, now will they?

Speaking of what they will be looking at, I'd better make sure A helps me out with the undercarriage trimming that afternoon ('cause you know I'll be taking one hell of a shower before heading to the hospital). Sometimes when I stop and think of the lengths this man goes to for me, I realize yet again how truly lucky I am (most days). I can think of no one else I'd rather share this crazy ride with...and to see him with J is absolutely amazing. I can't wait to see him with numero dos.

Heading for home

2007-01-23T09:55:00.000-05:00

What's that you ask? Why it's the first belly shot (taken earlier this week at 36w1d in the master bath that's under rough construction) I've dared to share here :-)

Yesterday's OB visit found me still at 1 cm and 50% effaced so no change there. Alas, the original plan was to induce me this weekend, but the local hospital denied my OB's request since I'd be a day shy of their 37w requirement.

I'm now on the induction schedule for February 1st (37w5d). I'll check in the night before for Cervadil as was the case with J's birth. Now that we have a concrete plan (though it's subject to change if my BP and/or amniotic fluid don't cooperate between now and then), the pieces are falling into place. Arrangements have been made for family to come watch J while I'm in the hospital, a big sister present has been purchased, and so on. Alas, the word "bedrest" was spoken at yesterday's visit. So that's what I'm doing now--laying on the couch, enjoying the 'rest,' and dozing periodically (what a luxury).

There's still a possibility that I could go before my scheduled date. Yesterday's amniotic fluid dropped significantly from Friday's level (15.3 to 8.8). If things change, well, it's back to the big hospital for me and out for 2.0.

Basically, I've got 8 more days to go to induction. A and I are trying to set up a date night for this coming weekend (dinner followed by a show at the impr0v)...after all, we may not get to do that again for another couple of months once 2.0 is here.

I'm starting to get excited and less fearful. When I think about the fact that 2.0 will be here soon, I get a smile on my face. I can't wait to meet this little one and see what she looks like, what her personality is, how J will be as a big sister (she's taken to kissing my belly lately which goes beyond adorable--she walks up, lifts the shirt off my belly and plants one on it).

I'm in the homestretch now and looking forward to the reward at the end.

Please keep sending good thoughts my way for 8 more days of bake time. I can use all the good karma the universe has for me--and thank you for all of your support, concern, and love. They've meant more to me than you can know.

A smile

2007-01-21T00:51:00.000-05:00

Back when A and I were in the deepest trenches of our IF struggle, visiting the RE several times a week, mixing injections, and so forth, I was never able to picture us with children in the future. Four years of trials and tribulations (and while I know that many others have struggled for far longer and perhaps are still struggling), it was time that seemed to go on forever with no end in sight. For me, the cup was always empty and what hope was there that it would ever get filled?

But then, somehow we got a "golden ticket" and she's now 19 months old. It has been the most incredible time of my life. I said it once before, and I'll say it again now...each day, there are images burned into my memory of days I never dreamed I'd have.

Today was one of those days. We took her to meet her tia's horse and have her first horseback ride...the smile on her face while riding? Well, let's just say it made me realize how very much I enjoy watching her see, learn, and experience new things. It's just an incredible feeling, and one I can't really put into words. Today's "first"--I'll remember and treasure it always. Burned into memory indeed. Nowadays my cup is always full, always running over. Six years after we first started TTC, I've got more than I ever dreamed possible. Someone pinch me.

Buying more time

2007-01-19T15:39:00.001-05:00

Well, knock my happy ass over!

Today's NST saw a few variables of 2.0's heartrate (though not as many as in weeks prior), enough to warrant another biophysical profile. If you recall, on Wednesday my amniotic fluid was at 7.7 when I was discharged from the hospital, today's amniotic fluid is a mind-blowing 15.3! Yes, I guess there is something to be said for sitting around on one's ass and drinking water as much as possible :-)

My BP was a respectable 122/86 and urine was negative for protein. I see the OB on Monday for a standard office visit (and yep, I've now reached the internal exam at every visit portion of the ride; good times I tell you) and NST. Hoping like hell that all my (and baby's) vitals are good at that visit as well. We've got a growth u/s for Thursday with an NST Friday and a tentative induction that night or Saturday morning. There is a some speculation that if I and the baby are doing as well then as we are today, we could be allowed to go a little longer. We'll see.

As an aside, in today's local paper I saw that on Wednesday while I was in the hospital, there was one set of twins, one set of triplets and one set of quadruplets born there that same day. No wonder the nurses all kept saying how 'crazy' things were around there.

Today, for the first time in a while, there is no "crazy" in my world. Just me and 2.0, healthy and growing...and that has put a smile on my face and some relief in my heart. Today, she and I are having an excellent day. May it continue for the near foreseeable future.

Don't speak too soon

2007-01-17T19:12:00.000-05:00

That's my lesson for today. I mean, after all, life is what happens when you make plans.

Yesterday's NST at the peri saw 2.0 having a ton of heartrate variables. One biophysical profile later, we learn that my amniotic fluid has gone from 9.5 on Friday to 6.2 yet I don't seem to be leaking (that I can feel, at least). A quick call to my OB on call to update her on the latest info...do not pass go, do not collect $200. Get thee to the big level III hospital down the road, do not eat or drink, you're gonna have this baby.

The family emergency alert goes up so that someone can pick up/take care of J, while A is dispatched home from work asap (a biggie considering he works almost 100 miles from our home). I drive to the hospital, am admitted, blood is drawn, an IV started, etc. A arrives about 2 hours after I'm admitted.

But then...what's that? The OB on call at the hospital (who is affiliated with my practice, though somewhat indirectly--my practice has five branches in our county and I'm seen by the north county group while the hospital OB was from the central county group) doesn't seem to think there are enough reasons to induce me. And the biggest reason not to induce me? The baby is still too young in his opinion and she looks fine on the NSTs they're running round-the-clock on her.

According to the nurse (one of three who will care for me during my time there), the doctors on call all took a consensus and decide that both the baby and I will be monitored closely while I'll be given IV fluids and a repeat u/s done the next day (today) to see if the AFI had improved.

Fast forward to this morning...the u/s tech comes to my hospital room and does the scan. AFI shows 6.0 (can I please get a break?)...but wait, what's that? As she's doing the scan, 2.0 moves, opening up a larger pocket and the tech remeasures--AFI is at 7.7. Acceptable to the M.D. consensus as well as to my peri (who knows about my practice's OB on call, her name is not mentioned in what I'm told).

My peri is on call at the hospital today and tells the nurse that she will personally come by to see me around lunchtime and make a decision but that, ultimately, it looks as though she'll be sending me home so long as she's happy with my appearance, i.e, no swelling, etc.

The peri comes, is very pleased with my appearance, very pleased with baby's overnight NSTs, very pleased with my overnight BPs, and labs. I'm discharged around 1:30 this afternoon (and I won't complain about the speeding ticket I got a mere 3 miles from home, rushing to get home and see J, who I miss so dearly--and no, the hospital bracelets and IV bandages did not get me any sympathy from the cop).

Home I am now and where I remain for now. While not on complete bedrest, I've got orders to lay down as much as possible with my feet up and drink lots of fluids. I'm to attend my regularly scheduled NSTs this week and next...and the peri is comfortable with my OB's tentative plan to deliver me next weekend (on the 27th or later) at 37+ weeks.

Now, please, just let my AFI cooperate to get me there. As the cliche goes, if it's not one thing, it's another.

A lightbulb goes off...

2007-01-15T21:10:00.000-05:00

in the doctor's head.

At today's OB visit, I think he finally realized that I've got a ripping case of "white coat syndrome" when I go to his office. He admitted that I'm baffling him. He said he's reviewed all of my normal BP readings from the peri's office, seen that all of my labs have been normal, and that I have no other symptoms.

Considering these things, he agreed to let me keep coasting on for a few more weeks, asking me to have the nurse at the peri's office call him personally at each of my remaining NSTs to report my BP.

He then mentioned that he's on call this weekend at the big hospital and asked if I wanted to come down and "dance," i.e., be induced. I said I wasn't entirely comfortable with that since I think she stills needs a few more weeks to cook, but I did reiterate that the mister and I really wanted him to deliver me again.

Doc reconfirmed when I'd be 37 weeks (Jan. 27th) and said he was on call at my local hospital that weekend so he could admit me at 36w6d saying I was having high BP readings (he then said he hoped I could pull that off as he didn't want to end up looking like a horse's ass if I showed up there with normal BP) and I'd be induced the following day.

A came with me to the dr's appt and later told me he didn't think I'd have trouble pulling off the high BP readings the day before induction--just knowing I'd be going into the hospital the next day to deliver should put enough fear into me to elevate my BP nicely without any extra effort. Plus, I'm wound pretty tight as it is, regardless of being pg.

Oh, and today I was the lucky recipient of A) the strep swab, and B) a surpise internal check (1 cm dilated, 50% effaced). Luckily, I actually showered before this morning's visit (and had A 'trim my undercarriage' this past weekend); thank goodness for small miracles.

So it looks like, if all continues along as it currently is, we'll be welcoming 2.0 sometime around Jan. 27th or so. Crossing everything I can at such a bold proclamation.

Gulp. Despite the fact that I've gone through L&D before, I'm terrified of what's to come...a certain fear of the unknown in the known.

Another day, another update

2007-01-11T15:40:00.000-05:00

BP today was 137/84, completely normal for me. Urine was clean, no protein. All labwork from Monday came back completely normal as well (yeah, the peri had to call the OB's office 4 x to get the info as they hadn't yet entered it into the computer system). I guess if the OB didn't call the peri, I certainly shouldn't have expected them to call me to advise all was okay with the results. I'm glad the nurse pushed the issue though and got the info for me. Made me rather relieved.

BG 2.0 currently weighs an estimated 5 lbs., 3 oz. and has a head full of hair (amazing that this can be seen on u/s). She's in the 35th percentile and a good size according to the tech. She even went a long way in reassuring me that should 2.0 need to come early, she should be fine. She's practicing breathing in there, measurements are good, and all signs are that she's healthy. Again, relief...

Until Monday's OB visit, I'm sure.

NST tomorrow and I expect normal findings then too, par for the course.

Enjoy the coming weekend :-)

No news is good news

2007-01-10T23:43:00.000-05:00

Today was a quiet day thanks to the fact that I had no medical appointments scheduled. Tomorrow I'll see the peri for a regular office visit (my BP and urine are checked at these, just like at the OB's) as well as a growth u/s to see how big 2.0 now is. I have a feeling that my peri appointments have bought me some time (according to the nurse there, my BP has been fine by their standards and a non-issue to date, unlike the issue it has become for my OB). Mind you, the OB and peri practices are affiliated with one another (same parent company) and they share the same computer system so my OB can easily look up all of my peri visits and see my vitals from each one.

My bloodwork and 24-hour urine results were scheduled to be given to my OB yesterday. So far, no phone call to tell me if anything is amiss...and usually, their radio silence means all is well so I'm flying on that assumption until I'm told otherwise.

My BP checks at home on my cuff have typically been in the 130/80 or 135/85 range, which are actually pretty normal for me. I'm a borderline hypertensive when I'm not pregnant and actually spent several years (back when I was 65 lbs. heavier) on N0rvasc to manage my BP. Losing all that weight meant I didn't need the meds anymore and I've been off them ever since. Part of me wonders why the OB can't just put me on an anti-hypertensive that's pg-friendly and allow me a little bit more time for baby-growing. Instead, he seems very focused on getting her out of me and into the world; straight from point A to point C. Where's my B? Or do I not get a B because I'm a few weeks shy of "term?"

Friday I have an NST at the peri's and I'm not scheduled to go back to the OB until Monday. That day, I'll be 35w2d and will feel a tad bit better should he decide that I need to deliver asap. I'm crossing all crossables that he won't.

I'm flummoxed as to how I can go in for that visit and stay relaxed in an effort to keep my BP down...repeating some sort of mantra in my head? deep breathing? going to my "happy place?" something else? Any suggestions? I was thinking of bringing A and J with me to keep my mind on them but then I wonder if J misbehaves in the waiting room, will that just make me more tense and stressed out? Hmmm, probably.

Yeah, as you can tell, I overthink things...A LOT.

P.S. If you're playing along at home, I was originally scheduled to be induced a month from today if I don't go into labor on my own by then. Sounds like a good plan to me--let's all hope for it :-)

The hits keep coming

2007-01-08T20:50:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so today's BP reading started out at a lovely 160/100...the follow up mere minutes later was 160/90. At least there was no protein in my urine and I had/continue to have no swelling, headache, vomiting, nausea, visual disturbances, etc.

With such a rocking BP reading, I was sent down to the hospital (the big one with the level III NICU) for monitoring--with the admonition from my OB that if my BP didn't come down with bed rest there, they'd induce me tomorrow (34w3d). And by the way--I'm not sure why he thought that the timing was right for telling me that just as he started to take my second BP reading. Uh huh, that's the way to help me bring it down--tell me things that make me panic and then do the reading. Brilliant.

With two solid hours of monitoring at the hospital (while lying on my side) under my belt, I'm happy to report that my blood pressure was declared 'good' and 2.0's NST was 'great.' So I'm back home now, having had the ever lovin' crap scared out of me. Let's just say that this afternoon saw many tears and worry on my part.

I appreciate all of your kind words about the situation (and my jug o'pee had the pleasure of sharing our spare fridge in the garage with A's imported beer, only the finest company for my whiz).

Tomorrow is NST Tuesday, as is Friday and my BP will be read at both appointments. Thursday is the growth u/s (all three of these appts are with my peri and, for the record, my BP has been consistently good while there for months now, even at last week's visit). I'm back at the OB next Monday. For some reason--hmm, wonder why--something tells me I'll probably be sent to the hospital that day too. Because now when I walk in the OB's office, my hackles are up, I'm scared, and that, my friends, simply cannot be helping my BP one iota. Why don't they understand that aspect of it? White coat syndrome at its finest.

With that, I'll bid you adieu for tonight--the BCS game is on and I've got to go watch my alma mater whup up on some Buckeyes. Go Gators!!

Save the drama for your mama

2007-01-05T23:38:00.000-05:00

Wow, two posts in one day.

For many years now, my life has been virtually drama-free and I prefer it that way. I'm past the age when drama was exciting; now it is trying, a general pain, and more...so I generally just avoid it at all costs.

But now? Not so much.

The good news is that 2.0 passed today's OB visit and subsequent NST. Mama, however, did not pass today's office visit. My initial BP was 150/80...a remeasurement a few minutes later was 164/86. I've got some minor swelling in my feet (and I have had no swelling to date, and had absolutely none at all during J's pregnancy). Of course, once they tell you your BP's up, you (if you're me) start to worry 'cause you know what that potentially means, which of course doesn't help with making the BP go down. Vicious cycle that.

My urine was clear, to my knowledge, but I was sent home with orders to slow down, take it easy, and to do a 24-hour urine test Sunday with a visit to the lab for a PIH (pregnancy-induced hypertension) screen and complete metabolic panel on Monday. With J, I did develop true PIH at 37 weeks which is why they induced me the following day.

As of now, I'm at 34 weeks. The nurse suggested I get down to the level III NICU hospital sooner rather than later to pre-register so I'll be doing that tomorrow. Apparently, having gestational diabetes ups the chance of developing toxemia (aka pre-e) so that's the fear now.

The good news in all this is that 2.0 appears to be a good size, or so the doc thinks. While I'm presently at 34 weeks, the belly is measuring 36 weeks (I knew I was dealing with a big kid here--again, thanks GD!). The growth u/s is a little less than a week away when we'll get an estimated weight. Knocking on everything wood that I get there. At this rate, every day is a blessing (and I say that though I'm not in the least "religious"). And though being "a good size" doesn't guarantee healthy, I'm thinking positively.

Four doctor visits next week, my only "free" day is Wednesday...and no, I'm not complaining in the least. If you've got any good thoughts, please feel free to send them my way. And if anything goes down on this end, I'll post asap. Thanks for your concern :-)

P.S. There may be hope for me with my name choice after all...A had apparently been telling his entire family that we were going to go with my #1 name for some time now. So it may be that J picked/picks the middle name. We'll see. For now, it's not such a priority when there's a bigger potential drama afoot.